Spin Free, can you tell me straight up: do you love your wife and are you willing to do anything to get back romantic love in your marriage? If not, if you are not willing to do ANYTHING it takes, then it likely won't happen.
The short answer is no. I have boundaries of personal integrity that I am not willing to violate. No I won't do ANYTHING for love. (with apologies to Mr. Loaf)
Originally Posted By: DanceQueen
If you are not willing, that's ok. I'm not asking the question because you should or shouldn't be willing. It's up to you. How much value do you place on being happily married again? Is it your top priority in life? DQ
Yes, being happily married is "A" top priority.
What happened. We talked. I listened. I listened some more.
When she was done, I told her that we had agreed to give this thing (teaching) one more year for all the reasons that she knew why. I *was* going to be in a happy, healthy, stable, child nurturing, sexually fulfilled relationship and that may or may not be with her. I was dead serious and she knew it.
I listened HARD to everything that was actionable on my part. I laid firm boundaries on things that I have no control over. (Like when our children get home from school. Minor mind reading that there was just some general venting thrown in there.)
In these past couple of weeks, things have changed dramatically around the house. We are far less short with each other and our sex life has gone through the roof.
I make daily lists of things that need to be done to meet her needs and she has opened up sexually in ways that she never has before.
One of my big changes is that I don't gripe about my students to her anymore. It breaks my heart when they take paths that lead to jail. I have found other outlets for that angst. There are little things that I do around the house that I think serve mostly to validate that I was listening and am willing to do my part.
I think there may have been outside influence as well. Our relationship was going badly. She really thought that I would never leave her no matter how badly she treated me. (had said so to me) She had also told her friends that no one would have me and I'd be back in 2 days. I think one of her single friends disabused her of that notion. I felt rotten knowing how little she thought of me. I think that the realization that I was on my way out the door really shocked her. It has been night and day.
I am GALing. I am enjoying my new marriage. I am working to provide leadership. Her lack of a job is still an issue but we are working through it.
I'll never know what was the biggest contributor, but there have been very real changes in both of us. I know that I was completely detached from the outcome. I wanted a healthy sexual relationship and she was welcome to come along or not. In short, I think that was the crux of the biscuit and shook her out of her "rut".
