I do still have to fight each day. I really have no choice if I want to be healthy. The lupus is what it is. The anxiety is my real struggle and when my anxiety is bad, my lupus gets worse so I really do have to work on each day (hour, minute). I never had anxiety in my life (aside from normal stuff that we all have) until all of this started.
First my lupus went out of remission and I was so frightened which led to anxiety along with the affair and legal BS.
There are days where I have to tell myself to put one foot in front of the other. There are days where I am just not sure I can do it for ONE MORE SECOND. But I know I have to.
My mom and sister have spent a great deal of time and effort really learning about anxiety so they are a terrific support system to me. I hid my anxiety (or so I thought) for a long time and now I know I don't have to do that.
I am not sure if you read about my ottoman story. I put an ottoman in my back hall and during the height of my anxiety I used to sit/sleep on it for hours as it was my safe place. It took months of very hard work not to go back there. And I am nervous for tomorrow (I can't believe I am going to say this on a public message board!). I am GIVING MY OTTOMAN to my neighbor. He can use it and don't need it. I am nervous. It will be gone.
I try and really focus on me and my struggles and keep my H very much on the back burner because as I said, there is nothing more to do. And the more I think about him the less detached I become and I don't want to start that process again.
