Thank you, CG, for giving us this perspective- admitting how hard it's been, and still is, and reminding us of how to get healthy in the long run. I'm so glad you are hanging around, giving advice and perspective. I've changed my screen name, but you may recognize my thread, linked below. I think we all value your insight as someone who's further down this painful road. To me, you seem like a very strong, very independent woman (even if it doesn't always feel like that to you). I think strength isn't always appearing not to be vulnerable, but allowing yourself to sometimes feel that, and soldier on anyway...
(((CG)))
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
I guess maybe I don't express enough that the past two years have been the hardest of my life. I literally had to pick myself up from the very, very bottom and start over. I know we all have to do that but I also had 2 pretty serious health issues that made it that much harder.
I came to this forum almost a year after my H left and our legal case was in full swing so things were not as fresh for me.
And maybe I should share MY feelings more often but who wants to read that?! LOL!
I know this is not easy. That is a given! I still get very sad and cry from time to time but I have learned how to deal with it and that for me was crucial.
And maybe I should share MY feelings more often but who wants to read that?
(((CG))) I would.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Well, is there something specific I can share that would be helpful? It's not that I am closed off to sharing about me and what I still feel, it just doesn't seem that important I guess. I am not saying I am not important but I am still in C'ing so I guess that is where I do most of my "talking".
I still deal with lots of sadness and hurt and sometimes the betrayal is overwhelming to me. I think the hardest part of all of this is my H is not who I thought he was and even worse, he was the one person (aside from my mom and sister) that I never thought NOT to trust. For reasons I cannot understand he is still very mean to me and simply acts like he doesn't care all the while telling me how great and happy he is. He still acts like his affair was no big deal and that hurts me.
While I don't like it, I have accepted there is nothing I can do about that other than to keep on going. Sometimes it is hard. I have an AMAZING family and very good friends. Thankfully I have never been afraid to do things alone like go places or travel so that is not an issue for me.
I do casually go on dates from time to time but I can't even imagine being in any kind of serious R right now.
Some days I feel like I have been punched in the gut 500 times. I still get scared when I have to go to the dr. and my H is not there. And yes, from time to time I wonder if he thinks of me or misses me.
Told ya... hard on the outside, soft on the inside
I guess maybe I don't express enough that the past two years have been the hardest of my life. I literally had to pick myself up from the very, very bottom and start over. I know we all have to do that but I also had 2 pretty serious health issues that made it that much harder.
I don't mean to diminish any of the pain you've been through- and I have read (and would be interested in readng more!) about some of your struggles, health issues, etc. I fear going through this whole thing myself. But you're still standing and fighting to be whole and happy, which I greatly admire.
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And maybe I should share MY feelings more often but who wants to read that?! LOL!
I know this is not easy. That is a given! I still get very sad and cry from time to time but I have learned how to deal with it and that for me was crucial.
I want to read it. I'll bet you still get sad. I think it would be very weird not to. They've wrecked and trampled on our dreams of a future together with them and we have to grieve that. I'm only at the beginning.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
I do still have to fight each day. I really have no choice if I want to be healthy. The lupus is what it is. The anxiety is my real struggle and when my anxiety is bad, my lupus gets worse so I really do have to work on each day (hour, minute). I never had anxiety in my life (aside from normal stuff that we all have) until all of this started.
First my lupus went out of remission and I was so frightened which led to anxiety along with the affair and legal BS.
There are days where I have to tell myself to put one foot in front of the other. There are days where I am just not sure I can do it for ONE MORE SECOND. But I know I have to.
My mom and sister have spent a great deal of time and effort really learning about anxiety so they are a terrific support system to me. I hid my anxiety (or so I thought) for a long time and now I know I don't have to do that.
I am not sure if you read about my ottoman story. I put an ottoman in my back hall and during the height of my anxiety I used to sit/sleep on it for hours as it was my safe place. It took months of very hard work not to go back there. And I am nervous for tomorrow (I can't believe I am going to say this on a public message board!). I am GIVING MY OTTOMAN to my neighbor. He can use it and don't need it. I am nervous. It will be gone.
I try and really focus on me and my struggles and keep my H very much on the back burner because as I said, there is nothing more to do. And the more I think about him the less detached I become and I don't want to start that process again.
(Sorry FM to "highjack" your thread!!) I DID read your ottoman story, CG. This is HUGE for you. How brave to let go of something that made you feel so secure. That is a great sign of healing, I think.
I was mis-diagnosed with Lupus several years ago (to this day, they still aren't sure what, if anything, is wrong with me, but I have some chronic health problems, too- not nearly as serious as yours, but I am the same- anxiety and stress make them much worse), and I can't imagine what it's like to live with it daily- just the diagnosis scared the hell out of me.
Good for you for using your support network and taking one day at a time. That's all we can do, ultimately, right?
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Juno, are you on FB? If so let me know. It took a long time for me to get a diagnosis and I would be happy to share some of the more in depth tests I had to endure. It might lead down a new path for diagnosing criteria.
If you are on FB and a friend of Flo's look for me. My name starts with a N (N as in say... Nicole and I like yellow!
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
