Is this piecing?

[alice444]

OK, I made all the mistakes tonight. This all started by H wanting to talk custody issues. Thinking of sending this email to H what do you think?

I think that, as much as you are 100% justified in everything you wrote and that it feels good to write it, that this is one of those that you write here and for yourself, not to him. I've been the author of many of those myself and ended up glad, either that I never sent them at all, or I waited, did some thinking and heavy editing and brought it up in a calmer, more objective way. It's so hard, but I think you'll be glad you did. You are hurting badly right now and sometimes when we are, we don't word things the way we wish we had later, etc.

I was up crying for hours, unable to self soothe. I knew this was wrong. I knew he wouldn’t be there for me and I had to pull it together. I didn’t. I went in at 3am big mistake. I gently asked,
Mr. Hope,? (HMMM?) Can I ask you something? (Hmmmm) are you listening?(Hmmmmm) Is that a yes? (nods yes with HMMM)
ME: I’m sorry about calling my dad but you hurt me so much I needed support . Cam I please have an apology or a hug or some nice words.
H:I can’t believe you’re [censored] doing this. Go away. I can’t believe you. This is [censored] bullshirt.
I can’t believe this shirt. I hope you rot. I’m not rewarding this shirt. I would have given you a hug if you hadn’t pulled this shirt. Maybe you’re recording this and trying to trick me.

(((Hope))) I wish you had my number and could've called me. See my offer in the alt to come here. It's a serious one. Oh, this is the thing I'm afraid of happening to me- that I try to reach out to my H/best friend and he slaps me down like yours did. That is so awful and hard, I just want to curl up with you and hold you for awhile. HE is a jerk and is treating you like "shirt". I'm sorry, I'm sure he has redeeming qualities or you wouldn't have been with him, but it's what I say about my H: he may be a good guy, but he is behaving badly. You do not deserve to be talked to like that or called ANY name. Name calling is NEVER justified, ever. And he's full of it, attacking you when he's the one who has behaved badly- GF, WTF. you should be the one justified in calling him names now (I'm not recommending that, just saying he is trying to blame you when he is the badly-behaving one. Why do we all get sucked into this, me included??)

I don’t want him mad at me and blaming me. I don’t believe this is all my fault. I know I had my part in it. But I was hurt too and wantd an apology, I wanted to be made up to. In his mind, I’m totally at fault and deserve to be punished.

Ok, you are feeling how I've been feeling- and why the F do we care if they're mad at us? If your best friend relayed this convo to you and said her H did all this, would you advise her to be careful so he didn't get mad at her? No. Ok, I doubt he's going to give you anything you want and hope for right now. You need to seek solace and comfort elsewhere, with yourself, your family and your friends. It is NOT all your fault. The most fault that could lie with you is 50% and I'm not even convinced of that. Remember, with 2 people, that is the most you can try to own, ever. Do you see how wrong it is for him to blame you- how is it your fault if he chose to go and date someone? Tell me how you are to blame for that. Even if you did something that made him feel like he was justified, YOU didn't do it. He did. It's like my H hearing me say "I don't want a D", then blaming me that he is choosing to go down that path. Ludicrous.

I"m so confused. His anger may be justified. H certainly feels it is and I can only validate this. But I can't understand how he feels this justifies talking to me like that. He kept going on about how I talk to my friends and get one-sided opinions, and so here I fear I"m doing it again. But this is that last straw. I can't imagine how he can justify all this in his mind. I know I have lied to him in the past. But that is in the past. If I'm researching how to have custody because I don't think he's fit to have 50% I don't expect him to feel anything but angry about that. I know I made that call without his consent.

Ok, you're doing what you need to do to protect you and S. You didn't take any underhanded action behind his back, you are gathering information, which is ok. NOTHING you have done justifies him talking to you, his W and the mother of his S, like that. I can only say he is possessed like all of our S's are and that's how he justifies all this. They make up things, sit and stew in their fantasies, until it all bubbles over and suddenly they're the wronged party. It eases their guilt to blame us- I and you need to keep reminding ourselves of that, ok?

But does that justify how he talks to me? Am I just crying wolf?

NO, IT DOES NOT JUSTIFY HOW HE TALKS TO YOU.

The only method I know, now that he blames me and justifies the way he blows up at me, is to go dark. I cannot allow myself to be treated this way, even if I"ve made mistakes. Even if I'm to blame. Even if his anger is justified.

And I KNOW he is going to use this night against me as "proof" of why he can't visit S at my house any longer.

I know little about going dark but I think you need to do whatever you need to do right now to protect and heal yourself. If it's space or going dark, I say do it. You're right, you cannot allow yourself to be treated this way- it's wrong, damaging to your self-esteem, and hurts your S indirectly, whether he overhears it or not (btw, when you're more centered, I recommend establishing a rule with H of no speaking like this when your S is anywhere nearby. This is very damaging to him).

Ok, so if he won't visit S at your house any longer- believe me, I know how hard you want to hang on and seeing him those few times is your assured way of seeing him still- but, right now, this means that if he can't see you, he can't insult you face to face like he did last night, or make you cry with his anger. If he tries to do it over the phone, you don't have to answer or you can hang up. But feeling cornered in your own house is no good - that's your safe place, a space you need to feel ok. It may be that when the dust settles a bit, that you can- if you want to- still see H but maybe at a neutral spot so he can't pollute your safe space. I find it interesting and bewildering that he still slept over last night. I think he is trying to hurt you as much as possible, and it makes him feel powerful to do so and to do it in your own house, and then invade it by not leaving. Could be all unconscious, but I think that's part of it.

How are you faring on finding an IC? You really need a safe place and person to talk to face to face right now.