Messed up

[jt2007]

I wish I had found this about 7 months ago.
Im not sure if this is the right place to post..let me know.

H discovered facebook and found all old "friends" just as he turned 40. Been married 16 years. H became close to a female friend I didnt trust the relationship. OW was having probs in her marriage. Confronted it and H became distant and threw me out of bedroom literaly when I was sleeping one night. Was made to sleep in daughters room or move out. I was totaly mentaly messed with at this point...didnt know up from down.
H would sarcasticaly say I was everything "right" in his life.

He refused to quit the friendship with the ow and would get emotional over her, and "worry about her" devoting himself to their relationship instead of trying to do anything with ours.

He pushed me to move out after being at stay at home mom for 4 children for 16 yrs. I said NO.
Ended up in domestic violence. He spent 12 hrs there and had instrructed our children to call OW if anything happend to him . I didnt know this...they CALLed her when he went to jail.



Fast Forward..let him back in house because of job at home...made it through christmas and he asked me to move out again said he hated me and he wasnt my husband anymore. Then would say he was sorry then would say ugly stuff again said the OW was supporting me instead of him..she was my biggest advocate. He seemed messed up and to not know what he wanted.

Made me feel like I had the rug pulled out from under me. I couldnt think for myself at all. Except to say NO I would not move out.
Finally gave in to moving out because of our children watching all this while leaving he became physical with me and I left upset. He wouldnt let me see the kids..so I called to police they arrested him for leaving bruising on me.

This is the only time he has ever done anything like this..and I am very confused. He spent another 12 hours in jail and I didnt let him back in the house.


Came to be about a month and I filed for divorce but didnt realy want to. I wanted my husband back NOT the jerk from the past 6 months.
I got the judge to dismiss the case saying I was mentally messed up at the time. I wanted my life back and I didnt want the court involved.

When he came back I left the house and didnt ask for anything. He was very upset that I had filed for divorce and that he felt betrayed from me filing divorce and being put in jail for both times and having to go through all the court cost and time. I begged and cried for forgivness...not sure why..except I wanted my husband back.

He would not stop being friends with the other woman and I had found emails from here saying that she edged it on and that she didnt want to ruin her marriage that she ws trying to get back on tract...he would openly become upset that she wouldnt talk to him and he would take it out on me verbally.

He said he hated all of he past 40 years and would never be happy....IM 4 years younger than him and Had no idea that turning 40 and losing some of his hair would turn him into such a Jerk.

But I dont know if this is realy him now or if its just a phase.

I told him that I would do whatever would make him feel like he would get to have a great life and move past the negative feelings he had for me. I didnt want our family to die.

He felt the only way was to have a divorce so I could never put him in jail for domestice violence again. He was "afriad of me" messing up our only income and lifestyle WE had made over the past 16 years.
He wanted me to have my own career (ow had her own career and 2 kids), instead of being with the kids THAT really hurt me...butI gave in....my kids range for elementary school to 1st yr in high school.

So I gave everything to him the house kids and any money we had. Moved out. Signed divorce papers. He paid for a new car for me and is still supporting me but its not in the papers. Im going to school and doing well in my grades.

BUT Im not sure when his midlife crisis will be over. He has told me that he has no one he is romantcaly interested in...but doesnt have those feelings for me because he felt betrayed by me. (I think is bs because he threw me out of the room 6 months ago..and we still had sex...but said he didnt have romanice feeling s about it back then too)

If I knew it would have been like this I would have let him Have his crises in a totally different way.
Im not sure if we can ever get the fire to our friendship again. I dont know weather to cut it off completly with him or continue to let him have a relationship like we were still husband and wife. I feel like im hurt in a totaly different way then he is. I hate not being able to wear my wedding ring.

Just not sure about the midlife thing and how to go on with it,,,why do I feel like its MY Crisis...when it should be HIS>...

I just need some connection with others that are going through same sort of thing sorry to be so long in the post.

[rr22]

Wow, this sounds like a very tough situation you are going through. You certainly don't deserve it, and I'm sorry it's going on. It's hard to say what you should do right now. You were not wrong to protect yourself when your husband laid his hands on you. Too bad that he doesn't like the consequences of his own actions. You had to do what was best and safest at the time for you and your children. His behavior was inexcusable in every way.

It hurts a lot to have a relationship fall apart. You should be proud of yourself for returning to school because it will help you in the future with or without your H. It's possible your H will come through this midlife crisis and come back to you, but it also seems possible that you will not trust him in the future due to his erratic behavior, violence, and attempts to get together with OW. I think you should think about his temper above all when you think about the future of you and your children.

Can he control it? Will he work on it? He sounds like he is in quite a fog right now. Hugs and luck to you. You sound like a very patient and kind woman.

[Upside]

Hello jt-
If you are looking for a place to connect with others that are going through the same thing, you found it. This is a place to find sanity through out this crazy ride. Keep reading and posting. I know it was my life line in the beginning.

This is time to focus on yourself and your kids and this board can help you do just that.

Here are some things that you could start working on...

-Figure out how to become a better person. Eat better, exercise, learn something new, be the best mom you can be, find understanding of what your H is going through, etc.

-Spend this time reflecting on what you could have done differently in your marriage. That doesn't mean that you take the blame. None of us are perfect but we can always try to improve. This will help you if your M is restored or if you eventually find a new R.

-Find yourself again. Figure out what makes you happy and what you want for the rest of your life.

-Reconnect with family and friends. Start rebuilding your life "as if"...

-Focus on your kids. They need to know that both parents love them and are there for them even if they aren't together.

But I dont know if this is realy him now or if its just a phase.

This is a metamorphosis of sorts. I am no expert but from what I have seen, this could be who your H is from now on, he could go back to his old self but more than likely he will be a combination of both personalities.

This isn't an easy journey but when you make it to the other side, you will find that you are a stronger better person for it.

(((HUGS)))

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Well you will certainly find others here...

Wish you had found this place sooner...alot sooner, but well wishing...I wish I had a pony too.

This is the only time he has ever done anything like this..

Except for the domestic violence call prior to this...

Was this really the only time?

You'll find alot of good support here and resources, for things you might not even envision at this time.

[Cadet]

Welcome to this board, Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Have you read the resources?
I would start with the detach link.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/
The link for the resources:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6668#Post526668

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

[jt2007]

Thank you all for answering. It helps so much knowing that there are others going through similar events.

Upside you are right I need to look at the possibility this is the same thing as XH being a different person, and I concentrate on what I may need to improve.

Jack, looking back he has always had an "anger" prob. towards me and yes its been physical sometimes. But I overlooked a lot because of excuses of bad parenting from his childhood and not haveing coping skills. But Im not going to put up with it anymore. He is not that way with the children but they dont need to see him treat me that way.

I went over to the house today to give them and him Easter gifts,
He ended up cutting the grass and asked me to be responsible for the landscape...which I always was,,,I lol inside. Let him have his "control" trip.
I used a trash can with a liner to put the clippings in and he saw it and kicked the can and yelled at me to leave that he couldnt be around me. Now..I had no idea what happened I asked camly what I did wrong..(usually I would yell back) ...he said that can was for the dog food.
I apologized and camly said I did not want to upset him,,,he aplogized and said that his anger toward me was more and I just had a way that I agreveate him just by being around (not doing anything to cause this)

The more I look back on these things that happen like this..the more I think maybe he delt with his guilt or whatever by just being angry at me.

Not sure if Im on tract with that...but I dont think I need to focus on his anger. I believe I need to focus on what weakness I might have to overcome..so I am not so vonerable to his anger as to take it so personal.
It felt nice to not argue back that he was the one that was wrong, I just knew it inside and It stayed with me and God.

I did my part I think by just acknowledging his feelings at that moment and asking him to please not do it again because It gets him to upset and hurts himself. Nothing about me or my feelings... it seemed to work.

NOT SURE WHY..but it diffused.


Pilot..thanks for the resources I will defni be reading them in the next few days to gain some extra insight.
I need to understand what I'm exactly facing here, so I can try and make some good choices and gain some perspective.

side note*
Is this realy Hell? frekn hard Nursing school (trying not to get kicked out because cant concentrate) --H mlc, missing my children ...having to rearange my life with them...and losing my family ...suppport my self after 16yrs.. trying to find a way to put humpty dumpty together again...uggg...guess the rain it pours thing applies here.

[jt2007]

I just read throught the boards. I cant tell you how much I am thankful for this.

I realy wish I had recognized before that this thinking and thing with H was a MLC.

When reading through the Why they run board...everything there is so true for H.
I couldnt figure out why he kept telling me I was his stepmother.
Im no where near her at ALL.
She gave them drugs, was an alcoholic, beat them, cheated infront of them....ect...

I was hurt everytime he said I was her....I get it now.
I could never express myself and him accept me until he had totaly delt with his childhood past.

I think I made the sitch WORSE for us though. When he was arrested Twice. Because I wasnt going to put up with his anger and ANY violence towards me (this comes from my past childhood, my father was arrested many times)

Now Instead of standing there and not leaving I would have Left...even if I ment leaving my family and no matter how unfair I felt it might have been.
Now he constantly says he could have gotten over the first arrest but the second time after he begged me not to ever do it again..He said that I was worse than his Stepmom for that.

(I know I am not...but Im just trying to get what his perspective is....)



I have already apologized and showed him that I didnt have to go to the DA to get it dismissed.

Im not sure how to piece this one back together..Its his anger and betrayal he feels towards me.
I feel like I gave him his excuse to be ugly to me, which is what he needed all along!

[cat04]

Confronted it and H became distant and threw me out of bedroom literaly when I was sleeping one night.

Ended up in domestic violence.

said he hated me and he wasnt my husband anymore. Then would say he was sorry then would say ugly stuff again

our children watching all this while leaving he became physical with me

He felt the only way was to have a divorce so I could never put him in jail for domestice violence again. He was "afriad of me" messing up our only income and lifestyle WE had made over the past 16 years.

I used a trash can with a liner to put the clippings in and he saw it and kicked the can and yelled at me to leave that he couldnt be around me.

,he aplogized and said that his anger toward me was more and I just had a way that I agreveate him just by being around (not doing anything to cause this)

Now he constantly says he could have gotten over the first arrest but the second time after he begged me not to ever do it again..He said that I was worse than his Stepmom for that.

Jt,

These are all your words. These are all of your H’s actions and words to you, that you have recorded here.

There are examples of physical violence and examples of verbal and emotional abuse.

I got the judge to dismiss the case saying I was mentally messed up at the time.

I begged and cried for forgivness...not sure why..except I wanted my husband back.

Jack, looking back he has always had an "anger" prob. towards me and yes its been physical sometimes. But I overlooked a lot because of excuses of bad parenting from his childhood and not haveing coping skills.

I told him that I would do whatever would make him feel like he would get to have a great life and move past the negative feelings he had for me. I didnt want our family to die.

I think I made the sitch WORSE for us though. When he was arrested Twice. Because I wasnt going to put up with his anger and ANY violence towards me (this comes from my past childhood, my father was arrested many times)

I have already apologized and showed him that I didnt have to go to the DA to get it dismissed.

I feel like I gave him his excuse to be ugly to me, which is what he needed all along!

These are also your words. These are your actions and words and feelings regarding his abusive treatment toward you.

These are all classic responses from a woman or person who has been in an abusive relationship.

I don’t doubt that there are many many more stories like this from throughout your marriage.

You did NOTHING wrong in protecting yourself. Just because HE cannot handle the consequences of HIS actions, that is NOT your problem.

You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for his anger. You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for ruining what you have built together. You are NOT RESONSIBLE for him being unable to control himself and believe me, he needed no excuse to behave the way he has. He just wants you to feel like it is your fault.

I am sorry for being so blunt. If I am wrong, please forgive me, and please let us know, but you have shown a pattern here and admitted that it isn’t the first time, or even the second.

why do I feel like its MY Crisis...

I dont think I need to focus on his anger. I believe I need to focus on what weakness I might have to overcome..so I am not so vonerable to his anger as to take it so personal.

This is ONE of the reasons you feel like this is your crisis.

Because you are facing some very hard truths here. Truths about him, yourself and your relationship.

While you are correct in not wanting to be so vulnerable to his anger…

Do not get to that point just to be able to “endure” his anger…Because you will only be able to do that for so long until you fall back into an old pattern.

When you find that strength that you can say, I do NOT deserve this and I WILL NOT be treated like this anymore, and I AM NOT responsible for his anger and I won’t accept him making me responsible for it any longer…

Not just, I know how to “diffuse” this…

you may feel differently about the entire situation.

Because he WILL need to change this part of him. YOU are not the ONLY one who needs to make changes.

However, you are the only one you CAN change.

You can’t change your H. You can’t get him to want to change.

But you CAN change you…

[jt2007]

Thanks Cat,

There are truths that I do need to face.
Things I need to change about myself for my own feeling good about me\
The one thing I have already done for me was to lose weight this past year. It has made me feel so much better Like I can do more for me and my children.

I was 280 now im down to 130. H was big also and lost weight with me..this was something we did together..It was suppose to make our life better. I think it helped push him into the MLC, and rebeling against our marraige.

I am hoping that in making some extra changes that he can see will bring him around to thinking more about what he is doing and done.

If he continues to act out against me then I need to just let it go.
Let him be with OW and find whatever it is that he needs on his own, even if its not me.

It kind of makes me upset that he would treat someone else differently than he would treat me. I bet if I was mean and ugly to him then he would be totaly different with me..

The OW is loud mouth and bars around and is a teacher and of all things a little older than him. Just totaly opposite of me.

I was an executive secretary for a large famous company (that is who I was when I met him)I let that go so I could be at home and start the family he and I always wanted.
He had potential but had no idea he had it. I built up and encouraged his career for "us", I put alot of effort into his career for him.

I cant believe I have tried to be the "good wife" and he has total disrespect for that. In the begining it wasnt like that..this past few years it has been.

On another note*
I had a nice day with the children today. I went back to the house and H and I didnt talk about anything...we barely said three words to eachother. It wasnt an angry thing but it was like there was dead air between us.

I did overhear him talking to his real mother and he said something about me saying I loved him (i said that several weeks ago and havnt said it since)..and then I didnt hear the rest, wished I could have though.

I think I just want to know whats going through his mind...but he wont talk to me about it at all.
I am trying not to draw conclusions about anything.

In fact he wont talk about anything at all..unless he feels like he doesnt feel well (he is a diabetic) or its something about his work. He never asks about me or how I am doing, unless its about $$.

Maybe im trying to nurse a dead horse...not sure...still trying to figure it out...and figure out how to act towards it.

[cat04]

I am hoping that in making some extra changes that he can see will bring him around to thinking more about what he is doing and done.

Don’t do it for him. Do it for you. He will see them. It takes time but they do see.

If he continues to act out against me then I need to just let it go.
Let him be with OW and find whatever it is that he needs on his own, even if its not me.

Right now, you need to do this regardless of how he treats you.

I am not saying D. I am saying let him go.

It kind of makes me upset that he would treat someone else differently than he would treat me. I bet if I was mean and ugly to him then he would be totaly different with me..

Don’t count on it. This is about way more than what has happened in your M and how you acted.

I am glad you had a nice day with the kids.