I'm taking off my ring April 9

[pearlharbr]

Be careful. Everyone here says backslides are no big deal, just pick yourself up and start again, but I don't believe that. Backslides hurt your progress. Too many will completely derail you. It may feel good in the moment but you need to stick to your plan for long-term success.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ummm. Is this where I say: when she asked for a hug should I have said no? (embarrassed grin)

That depends. What would "Old Amy" have done, hmmmm?

If it's the same thing that "new, I'm-Already-Dead Amy" did, then, well, you have your answer.

Puppy

[TrentC]

Be careful. Everyone here says backslides are no big deal, just pick yourself up and start again, but I don't believe that. Backslides hurt your progress. Too many will completely derail you. It may feel good in the moment but you need to stick to your plan for long-term success.

I don't think the occasional moment of weakness is a bad thing, but I agree that too many of them may indicate difficulty in following through.

What I don't want to do is give someone the impression that if they screw up even once, there is no chance for success. No one can succeed under that kind of pressure.

[AmyBel]

Memorial service was good. W was there and came up to hug me afterward and I let her. That was extremely hard and renewed my resolve that I must restrict contact. Mostly because I tend to take my stress out on my body and I can't take too much more!
Got six text messages today. Good grief. Plus there was a little note under my pillow when I got home. (W was home taking care of dog and exchanging clothes while I was with family after memorial service.)
The last text message was a request to call her. I really wanted to but my sister talked me out of it. The only reason I wanted to was to NOT feel like an Ogre. My sister reminded me that I was succumbing to my fear of other people not liking me. Gosh! I thought I was growing out of that. Guess not. Guess that is my lesson to learn!
Anyway. I sent an e-mail saying i can't talk tonight.
so I did good. Why don't I feel better about it?
(Puppy, I'm starting to really look forward to your posts!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The last text message was a request to call her. I really wanted to but my sister talked me out of it. The only reason I wanted to was to NOT feel like an Ogre. My sister reminded me that I was succumbing to my fear of other people not liking me. Gosh! I thought I was growing out of that. Guess not. Guess that is my lesson to learn!
Anyway. I sent an e-mail saying i can't talk tonight.
so I did good. Why don't I feel better about it?

That's easy -- CUZ IT'S COUNTER-INTUITIVE TO YOU, and it's out of your comfort zone!!

Just keep this up, and I PROMISE YOU, Amy, this gives you your best chance to bust this thing.

Puppy

[AmyBel]

Here's the latest: she has published a google doc (shared online for the two of us) listing her topics to address during therapy on Wednesday.

I'm apprehensive about addressing several of them.

1. She wants to attend my graduation from grad school on May 16. Given how much she contributed to me getting this degree it seems wrong to deny that. But I really don't want her there to mess with my emotions. And if we are NOT MARRIED (but separated) she shouldn't be there. What is right and fair?

2. She wants to find a different couples therapist. I think the one we have has us pretty well figured out, but there might be a better one out there... Not sure how to respond. I have been saying: "I feel no need to switch but you have to want to be there. Let me know what you decide."

3. She's expecting to visit me at my internship for a couple of weekends coming up. I think that is an easy "no."

Sad today because my family who came for the memorial service have all dispersed. And here I am alone at home, without my wife and missing all the great things we shared.

And I'm so frustrated that I have to deal with this personality trait of fear of conflict. Wish there was a simple surgery that could remove it!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think they're all a "NO." You agreed to "not act married" during this separation; did she contribute to you getting this degree as your FRIEND or as your WIFE?

It seems to me she is trying to relieve her own guilt (not your job), and to try to enjoy the BENEFITS of being married, without the associated RESPONSIBILITY (monogamy).

It's your call, but I think it's all so much b.s. Why does she feel she gets to steer and control even your THERAPY??

I would suggest responding "Thank you for sharing your topics with me. I'm looking forward to our session with ______ on Wednesday. We can discuss all of this there. Thanks, Amy."

Puppy

[AmyBel]

It seems to me she is trying to relieve her own guilt (not your job), and to try to enjoy the BENEFITS of being married, without the associated RESPONSIBILITY (monogamy).

Puppy

Well... Just got off the phone with her. She called me from her dad's phone. Sneaky! Purportedly because she wanted to hear the results of my eye surgery today and her cell doesn't work at her dad's. But really, because she couldn't wait for the e-mail (that I DID send her) telling her the results of the surgery.

And she's offering to drive me back to my internship "because of your eyes".

You are right. She's trying to deal with her guilt, have me fix it for her.

So now I can't answer the phone when her dad calls. Bummer. I like him. I did tell her it was unfair to call me from his phone. She apologized.

My mom is urging me to end the power of attorney paperwork (what we did since we don't have the benefit of state marriage). I'm reluctant for emotional reasons. I know she's right that I can't have W (who is being alien-like right now) have that sort of power over me.

I feel like I need my sister or mother or puppy following me around coaching me constantly! (I want to thank whoever that was in a previous post who said to have some forgiveness for occasional backsliding. I'm just not super-human. No matter how much I wish it!)

Mom also found the term "cake eating" very very apropos!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Amy,

How long did your phone conversation with her last?

Puppy

[AmyBel]

The first call was 6 minutes. The second one was 8 minutes.
I gave her the report on my eye surgery. Twice because she didn't seem to understand. She reported that our car was repaired. I said I'd see her tomorrow at the counselor's. And we could trade cars there, so I could take ours to the internship (instead of taking her dad's car.) There were fairly long silences where she sniffled and I wondered to myself what to say.

She called back from the same phone two minutes later. (I let it ring for a while before I picked up. But decided to pick up.) She was asking me to let her drive me to my internship. Because of my eyes. I reiterated that the doctor said I was fine to drive. She expressed worry about my well being and my eyes and my safety to drive. I said I'd be fine. I said I'd let her know if I needed her help. She said that if there was anything I needed she wanted me to call her. I said that if there was an emergency I'd be sure to let her know. finally I got her off the phone by saying that we could check in about this at the counselor's tomorrow.

I need to tell her today (at the appointment with the counselor) that she is NOT my emergency contact nor my support person while we are dong a trial separation. She will NOT be the first person I call after surgery. She will not hear about my daily life or my well being. I will rely on other people for that. We are doing a trial separation and that means all wife-like activities STOP.

She's clearly struggling. Her dad called me to say "sorry about my crazy daughter." A dear friend of hers and her cousin both shared disbelief and concern for her. I'm worried about her well being and can't do anything bout it. Gotta worry about MY well being right now. This is super-painful! How do people get through this? I'm really tempted to just walk out on everything myself. Clean cut and all that. But I know that's not fair to our 16 years together and the fact that I do still love her. Just can't live with the alien she is being right now...