HB-Thanks again for the encouragement. How is your H doing?
You're welcome, Upside. You'll do fine.
My husband is doing well, thanks for asking.
He's starting to get around a little better on his crutches; son is still cooking for him; as well as working full time, going to school, etc.
I'm headed home after this load I'm working on, to spend some time with him, relieve some of the pressure off our son, take him to the doctor for a second cast change; and also to see how his ankle is mending.
He says that he's not in as much pain, so he doesn't take as many pain meds now..and that's good.
Me, I'm working my rear end off to keep our bills paid up; and as always hold out hope that things will continue to go well.
Everything happens for a reason; and I believe things will be fine.
Keep us posted on your husband, and how things go this weekend.
Have a great evening.
Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Last weekend, I finally got to see where my H is living for the past couple of years. It is your average apartment with a couch, a table and a bed. To me it reeked of depression...kind of cluttered, dark and dingy. It kind of made me feel angry to see it, not really understanding why he would choose to live there over being in a nice house with me. All I can figure out is the apartment was his way to escape and not deal with anything.
I went to part of my H's C session the other night. The C told me he was extremely pleased with my H's progress. The C confirmed again that my H loves me and wants our M. He even asked why we aren't wearing our wedding rings. I kind of figured if my H ever moves home, we might start wearing our rings then. I did try on my rings after the C's suggestion but it just didn't feel right yet especially since my H isn't even back home. I think I need to know for sure he isn't going to run away again before I put them back on.
Next week, I am taking my kids on vacation. I have wanted to take this trip for years and was waiting to go with my H. I decided that I don't want to live my life waiting around anymore so my kids and I are going. I haven't looked forward to anything like this in such a long time, I have almost forgotten what it feels like to be excited about something. I have to say I am proud of myself for no longer putting my life on hold.
peace-I hope all is well with you and your kids. Thanks for checking in on me. I'm not so good at updating these days since I am working more.
HB-Glad to hear your H is getting a little better. Hopefully things are improving between the two of you as well. Thanks as always for your support...I know I will be fine. You will too.
Last weekend, I finally got to see where my H is living for the past couple of years. It is your average apartment with a couch, a table and a bed. To me it reeked of depression...kind of cluttered, dark and dingy. It kind of made me feel angry to see it, not really understanding why he would choose to live there over being in a nice house with me. All I can figure out is the apartment was his way to escape and not deal with anything.
This was a huge step on your husband's part to allow you to see where he's been living for the past two years, Upside. He is letting you into HIS world and HIS space that has NOTHING to do you and everything to do with him.
The teenager, that he still is at this point, lives simply, not elaborately, hence the couch, table and bed he's furnished it with. It's a kind of "starting from scratch with less than nothing"; working forward into better things for him...letting you in signifies that he trusts you to see this and not judge him for it.
There are many unanswered questions that you will never have answered, such as, why he's chosen to live like this. He might explain it later, and he might not.
It's my thinking that this "room" holds many dark memories within, things he's sorted out over the time he's lived there. He's making sure, by taking this step that you're willing to accept ALL that he is at this point, just as he's accepting you. Doesn't make sense, I know..but the fact he's allowed you in tells me it seems to be another one of the steps toward coming back to you and that nice house.
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I went to part of my H's C session the other night. The C told me he was extremely pleased with my H's progress. The C confirmed again that my H loves me and wants our M. He even asked why we aren't wearing our wedding rings. I kind of figured if my H ever moves home, we might start wearing our rings then. I did try on my rings after the C's suggestion but it just didn't feel right yet especially since my H isn't even back home. I think I need to know for sure he isn't going to run away again before I put them back on.
Two of the major decisions they should make while within Withdrawal is whether they want to continue with the marriage or not, and whether they still love the LBS or not.
Apparently, the counselor has been told by your husband that (1)He loves you (2) He wants the marriage.
This is yet another HUGE hurdle within the crisis, that must be navigated before the MLC'er decides to continue with the current marriage. This is ALSO good news for you and for him.
He must learn, not only to accept himself, but you, too, and it should be a permanent decision on his part.
I do not believe he will run again, after having made that type of monumental decision. I could be wrong, but if I remember this right, once those two "life" decisions are cemented and settled within himself, the running is supposed to finish in that particular area.
I don't think his homecoming will be much longer.
Enjoy your vacation, you've worked long and hard for it.
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HB-Glad to hear your H is getting a little better. Hopefully things are improving between the two of you as well. Thanks as always for your support...I know I will be fine. You will too.
Thanks, Upside, things are well between my husband and I at this point in time. I'd known I was needed at home; and things are improving between us; something is settling within him once again. We've butted heads several times this week, but it was necessary...can't live with someone and not argue with them at some point. LOL!! He's suffering some pain because of the air cast, he's been trying to put some weight on his ankle, and it's hurting him. I can't help him because I've not gone through this, and so, I'm just watching him go through.
Please do keep us posted on what happens..it looks like your husband is coming along just fine; more work will be done when he comes home. It will be an adjustment for the both of you when he moves back..you may have to dig even deeper for patience and understanding, and the navigation into Acceptance for him will continue to happen within himself as he settles into his new life with you.
I have been keeping both of you in my prayers and thoughts, and watching for updates whenever you can drop by and post them.
May God continue to be with you both as your husband continues toward the finishing of his journey.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
These posts remind me of something that happened to my ex.
When my ex's mother abandoned her family, she moved to Florida. After the divorce was finalized my ex's father sold their home. Ex lived on a beautiful lake house that he loved. During our marriage he would continuously talk about this home and how much he enjoyed living on the water as a young man.
Ex was devastated when that home was sold. They moved to a very small apartment after the divorce.
Ex now has moved to a lake home with OW. It very much resembles the home he lived in as a child. I believe ex is reliving his childhood where he left off after the divorce. Our divorce symbolizes his parents.
It is very weird and sad......but I hope he finds his answers.
Last edited by TRUSTING; 04/05/1006:22 PM.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
My H seems very committed to the R and seems to be spending more time at my home...however, he still can not give up the security blanket of his apartment. He keeps claiming that he needs solitude sometimes and with my kids (and sometimes their friends) here, he can't always get that at my house. Seems like an excuse to me when he has lots of space to escape to. Oh well, I don't seem to have the energy to deal with any of it now.
Tax day was interesting. My H really showed me where SOME of his issue lie. He kept telling me I was "exacting" because we file jointly but keep everything seperate. I reminded him of how he wanted to keep everything seperate and that is why he left and how he still wants to keep things seperate and that is why he has trouble coming totally back. He agreed that he was being a bit hypocrytical...one point for my side...but who is counting!
OP-Thanks. The vacation was too short but still wonderful. We packed a lot in. I can't wait to go back.
HB-I agree that it was huge for my H to let me see his apartment. I went there again last weekend. He is letting me in ever soooooo slooooowly! Just at some point, the process starts to get old. I have to admit, I have lost a bit of my enthusiasm even though my H has been recommitting himself little by little. Oh well, I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Trusting-It is kind of interesting how they can go back to try to recreate their past. Try to let go of thinking about any of that and just focus on what blessing you have in your life. You could probably spend years disecting your H and still never completely figure him out. If you let that go, you will have more opportunity to just live and enjoy your life.
My H seems very committed to the R and seems to be spending more time at my home...however, he still can not give up the security blanket of his apartment. He keeps claiming that he needs solitude sometimes and with my kids (and sometimes their friends) here, he can't always get that at my house. Seems like an excuse to me when he has lots of space to escape to. Oh well, I don't seem to have the energy to deal with any of it now.
He is right, he is still processing, Upside. The fact he is spending more time at your home, is still a good sign that he's coming forward, although a little at a time.
It takes them a long time to come back, and they seem to do it slowly. Just go on with your life as you have; being there when he needs you. The times will come closer and closer together, and eventually he WILL give up that apartment, coming home completely and totally.
Please be patient with him, he's trying hard, but this is hard on him too. Again, it's a fine balance.
I can understand the loss of some of the enthusiasm on your part, it seems to take SO long, but it will be worth it all in the end.
Well, two major changes have happened in my own situation; my husband is back on his feet in physical therapy, and our 23 year old son has bought his first house!
I can see more changes coming in time, but it will be all right, eventually.
Glad to see you post a positive update, Upside.
Have a good one.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
You are doing a great job and it appears your H is slowly coming along. Keep up the good work!
Hearts,
I'm glad your husband is doing a little better. He is lucky to have someone like you by his side. I bet your son is excited too! I remember when the W and me bought our first house. I think we were about that age. They were happy times.
Up - just checking in to see how things are going. You have been through a lot! I hope things continue the way you want them to ---- and that for your sake eventually pick up in speed!
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Upside, just read through your sitch... so happy for you. I know I have trouble with patience, so I feel for you. Just remember the mantra... patience, patience, patience. He has made great strides towards home, I know it's daunting and frustrating. I would give anything to be where you are right now. Remember where you came from - like a mental timeline - and it will seem so much easier to deal with. You're in the home stretch when you look at 2 years - and of course you're impatient at times. You are such an inspiration.
You'll do fine. 
