My H has told me that he was disgusted with and hated himself while he was lying to me when we were still living together. He couldn't see or admit this when he was still angry and felt everything about our marriage and his life was my fault, however. So it does take time, and of course some people just act like they are justified in whatever they do. It is frustrating to be the one to see things more clearly and have to hear the endless rationalizing and blaming, however.
M: 35 H: 34 S: 8 Married: 12 years Together: 16 years Bomb: 11/2/09 Sep: 1/1/10 EA confirmed: 11/2/09 PA confirmed: 3/28/10
feel disgusted by the things they've done? Whether the relationship is saved or not, when the smoke clears and the pain, bitterness, and resentment are gone, do you think they feel genuine remorse for the choices they've made? From the affairs, lying, harsh words, and selfishness.
I think about my WAS and all the things she has done and I can't imagine that she can look in the mirror and feel very good about what she sees.
Thoughts?
To be clear, did you mean a WAS who has had an A? B/c most of the responses seem to include a reference to that.
But if you mean a WAS w/o the A ~ I can answer relative to our experience. When I walked away, I didn't do so easily. I weighed it all out - kids, life, failure, money, future, past, present, feelings, thoughts, what ifs. The bottom line in all of that consideration was that no matter what I did, it was going to hurt someone, everyone, me, him, them. But very little of what I was asking for, saying, and praying for was making a difference. So I left. THAT made a difference. It woke us BOTH up to the state of our M, and happily, we found ways to work together to restore our M - our NEW M.
To your question, yes - I have since had feelings of sadness for what I brought to our family - that I left our home, took children with me, filed. I know these things hurt him and I hate that I hurt him. I hate that I put our children through that. I hate the disappointment my family felt about me when I left.
And yet, had I stayed, had I not made such a strong statement, I wonder if we would be as far along as we are now in our M. We really grew as individuals and as a couple through all of that. I can hardly say I'm sorry I did it. And yet, I regret the pain it caused everyone.
As I look back, I do not see what I did as selfish. I saw it as an act of self-preservation. I never had any difficulty looking in the mirror and still do not.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
And yet, had I stayed, had I not made such a strong statement, I wonder if we would be as far along as we are now in our M. We really grew as individuals and as a couple through all of that.
I completely appreciated this aspect of my W leaving. I have to admit, nothing else she could have done would have had the same effect. I am a better person in every way now. In my case my W did have an A as well, and the damage that did may very well be irrepairable. Our R is essentially destroyed.
As I reflect back on things, I feel an unhappy spouse should use the power of leaving far earlier in the process, before they are absolutely 100% "done", and certainly before another person enters the picture. But it can't be a "trial" separation, as even that term will dilute the power. In the mind of the WAS, it should be "I'm leaving, and I'm staying gone if I don't see BIG changes", but that should be their secret. Then they should set a time period in their mind, like three or six or twelve months, and wait and see.
Marriage counselors should be encouraging this tactic, as it has far more power than any "talk".
