How much longer in Separated?

[jon2911]

I got set up to IM with W from work. My boss told me he put me on benefits, but he's still getting back to me with the spouse charge. Hopefully today.

W called as I was about to walk into Maundy Thursday service, we had a good talk. She sounded like she wanted to talk more, and told me she wasn't feeling well and had let the rest of the family go to the Ranch. She was enjoying the time alone.

I walked into the service with a lot on my mind. It really feels like a friendship is developing again. The possibility is there for more, but am I really cool either way? I've been chewing on the MWD article, especially one quote in particular:

I gave her space and respected her choice to enter into a relationship with someone else. I never said anything bad about her boyfriend and was always there when he couldn’t or wouldn’t be there.

Wow. That really sounds like the ultimate example of love to me. I may not agree with her choices, but I respect them and give her space, no matter how much they hurt. And on my side, do I really want to be just another guy who wants sex from W? It's a tough thing to think about, because our sex life has been fantastic through all of this.

I had band practice for Easter after the service, but told W I would call her after that. I also helped her get internet through her phone to her laptop, for free. She was very happy about that.

I called around 11:00 and we chit-chatted for a bit. We made plans for the weekend after Easter, and possibly the weekend after that. Taxes being the main reason, but she said we can have fun as well.

Then I told her we needed to talk about something. I told her I was sorry and didn't mean to snoop, but that I'd seen the texts. I really enjoy talking to her, and I'm enjoying the friendship we're developing, but if we're going to have sex I need to know that it's only me. If that means we need to just be friends, I respect her decision. Also, she means so much more than just sex to me.

She started crying and said "what do you want from me?" She asked me that once before, over a year ago. I need to think about a good answer to that. I told her I really want her friendship. Of course, I want a whole lot more than that as well, but I'll be her friend no matter what.

She said she doesn't feel like we're married. It feels like I'm a good, old friend, and sometimes we sleep together. That's all. She said we're much different people then when we got married. I said "I agree. Don't you think that's a good thing? Don't we have a much better time together now then we ever did?" She said yes, and that it's much easier now. Still, she's not ready to start all over again and try to make a M work. The tone of her voice said "yet".

She said "I guess we need to stop having sex until we figure this out". I told her that I didn't need an answer right now, but maybe every time we meet for a weekend we can talk about it, instead of it just happening. She said that sounds good, not a big drawn out talk or anything, but to see what we're both comfortable with.

I said it seems we're in agreement, and she said "my rules are different than yours, and always have been". I call BS on that as far as "always", but she has a point for the present. She said she doesn't want to pressure me into sex if I'm not comfortable. I told her not to worry about that. LOL.

She also said she feels she needs to trust me to not snoop on her like that. I told her that's true, that this really wasn't intentional. I told her the trust thing works from my side also, that she needs to be honest with me and not lie about it if she chooses to see other guys. She won't get any judgment from me. (At least, hopefully, I'm working on it).

We talked lightly for another 30 minutes, and at the end she said softly "do you hate me?" I told her no, not at all. I felt like there was a wall between us, and we had to talk about it.

Overall, I'm encouraged. It seems like we have the kind of foundation that good R's and M's are built on. Whether she wants to be happy or stay miserable is up to her.

I challenged myself to be her truest and most devoted friend. The more I challenged myself and lived up to the challenge, the more inner power I gained.

Friendship........empathy, being there without criticism, being non-judgmental.....this is unconditional friendship.

Believe me, the decision to be a friend, against all odds, proved to be a major challenge. There were times when I truly thought of giving up, especially when the boyfriend arrived. Usually, I would come to this site and vent and request support and information. Michele, and the "family" here, never let me down.