Maria, I just don't know how I'm trembling and crying. THis has all been a lie. He misled me every step of the way when he said we were working on our M in MC.
OK, I made all the mistakes tonight. This all started by H wanting to talk custody issues.
Thinking of sending this email to H what do you think?
"I do not want you calling me names any more. IF you think I’m a crazy c*nt, keep it to yourself.
We agreed to not talk about things late at night. I asked you to prepare me before talking about delicate issues. I asked you to take turns and listen.
Instead you were going to let this get later before talking - I had to talk to you about not letting it get any later once it was 9pm. You are the one, in fact, that has consistently requested that we don't talk at night, and that you be prepared ahead of time about the topic, especially emotional ones - yet you were going to bring up an upsetting subject with me late and without preparation? I told you I wasn’t emotionally prepared when you brought it up. You didn’t respect it and kept talking. I told you I might not be able to handle this right now given the way it was presented to me – without respect for our agreements and without respect for my feelings of discomfort.
Then when I reacted you blamed me for “freaking out”. After I took a moment to calm down and asked you please to use the communication/listening exercise, you insulted me by saying that I went on some monologue - which showed insensitivity to what I was saying, and not listening.
Then you blamed me and told me that I was the one unwilling to negotioate although you had a hand in making this as difficult as possible for me to be calm and comfortable.
I felt ambushed and set up. Manipulated. Like you wanted me to be upset so you could say “See? You are not willing to communicate.”
After that, it was both of our problem. We both reacted, were mean, did hurtful things out of feeling attacked. We both felt victimized and tricked. We both felt hurt. We both blamed each other.
This can’t happen again.
Also yes we had a talk a coupld weeks ago, but that doesn’t mean you can just say “Oh, now that the separation papers are signed, I’m not interested in you” and have me be ok about it. I feel misled by words you did an didn’t say and I need you to acknowledge that.
While you were saying I was mean and untrustworthy, you were being exactly that to me – extremely mean and hurtful. And I’’m sorry for calling my dad but you were so hard on me I needed some support. I needed to know I wasn’t as crazy as you make me feel I am.
You called me a c*nt at top volume what if S had heard that?"
I was up crying for hours, unable to self soothe. I knew this was wrong. I knew he wouldn’t be there for me and I had to pull it together. I didn’t. I went in at 3am big mistake. I gently asked, Mr. Hope,? (HMMM?) Can I ask you something? (Hmmmm) are you listening?(Hmmmmm) Is that a yes? (nods yes with HMMM)
ME: I’m sorry about calling my dad but you hurt me so much I needed support . Cam I please have an apology or a hug or some nice words.
H:I can’t believe you’re [censored] doing this. Go away. I can’t believe you. This is [censored] bullshirt. I can’t believe this shirt. I hope you rot. I’m not rewarding this shirt. I would have given you a hug if you hadn’t pulled this shirt. Maybe you’re recording this and trying to trick me.
I don’t want him mad at me and blaming me. I don’t believe this is all my fault. I know I had my part in it. But I was hurt too and wantd an apology, I wanted to be made up to. In his mind, I’m totally at fault and deserve to be punished.
I"m so confused. His anger may be justified. H certainly feels it is and I can only validate this. But I can't understand how he feels this justifies talking to me like that. He kept going on about how I talk to my friends and get one-sided opinions, and so here I fear I"m doing it again. But this is that last straw. I can't imagine how he can justify all this in his mind. I know I have lied to him in the past. But that is in the past. If I'm researching how to have custody because I don't think he's fit to have 50% I don't expect him to feel anything but angry about that. I know I made that call without his consent.
But does that justify how he talks to me? Am I just crying wolf?
The only method I know, now that he blames me and justifies the way he blows up at me, is to go dark. I cannot allow myself to be treated this way, even if I"ve made mistakes. Even if I'm to blame. Even if his anger is justified.
And I KNOW he is going to use this night against me as "proof" of why he can't visit S at my house any longer.
Ok you wrote it I read it. Now rip it up and throw it away. Your H is asking for space. You are not giving it to him. That is why he is mad at you. FM has asked you to detach. I think you should do a 180 and go NC. This will be hard for you. But you need to do it for YOU. Until you do this you will continue to get hurt.
You will not be able to please your WH! Stop trying. If you want to save your marriage DB and do a 180!!!!!! Detach/NC
I agree with oldpilot. Calm down, regroup and give him space. What is this asking for a hug? Do you realise how that sounds to an angry (for whatever reason, right or wrong) man?
Btw, your H does not sound as he has detached either. So, dont give him reasons and chances to. K
OK, Space. DO you know how tired I am of giving him space? He's had a year of space.
But ok.
And how does asking for a hug sound to an angry man? To an insulted woman, it sounds appropriate.
What reasons and chances are you referring to? YOu mean if I don't give space? I want to understnad your advice. And I do respect it. Thank you friends. I am very upset with myself for making the wrong choice tonight.
I'm really sorry this is going on. It's total b.s. Take as many days of space as you can get your hands on for YOU, not him. I don't know how many days it is going to take for you to mentally and gracefully deal with this GF thing alone before bothering to speak to him. It might take you WEEKS to get your self soothing fixed enough to deal with all that has been dumped on you in the past 48 hours. Also, I'm not saying he DOESN"T have a gf, if that's what he said. But I can also seem him exaggerating the seriousness and extent of it since he's admittedly dated that other time for VENGEANCE. Just get away from this toxic fool for a few weeks to see what you think and need to do. Don't let him bring you to his level and don't bother pointing out to him his part in it right now. Consider him checked out for a few weeks. Try to go to therapist. Sorry this is happening.
Also, I think you have a lot to be proud of. Over the past six months, you have done a lot to learn and practice the hard stuff in the hardest setting possible under the WORLD'S WORST CIRCUMSTANCES. You are 90 percent better on your issues. Don't beat yourself up that it will take some more months to get to the last ten percent. How many people could make ANY progress under your current conditions? I couldn't. Be very happy of what you've accomplished and tried for you and your S. S will benefit from all your hard work in the future, so it wasn't a waste.
Last edited by flowmom; 04/02/1002:53 PM. Reason: need to rewrite
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
