How to approach W about OM

[OfficerInNeed]

What are you suggesting PDT?

As far as DBing goes, when something that was working no longer works then I should try something different... I want to make sure when all is said and done I did everything and tried everything. One thing I have not tried yet is to give her even more space by staying some place else for a few days and what for her response but giving our history I am not sue if it will help any

I'm suggesting that her crappy, disrespectful behavior toward you (this constantly picking up your phone and checking it) continues because you allow it to.

The majority of the time she asks for the phone and I hand it over. I have nothing to hide. She is paranoid that I would stray (is that not a good thing? or else why would she care?). Other times my phone is just lying there and she picks it up, which I also have no problem with. It is NOT LIKE I hide my phone and she finds it or the phone is in my pocket and she grabs or the phone is in my hand and she snatches it.

If I stop her from viewing my phone, then she thinks I do have something to hide. If her EA with OM sprouts again or with a different male and I try to view her phone she will say "No, remember when you never let me look at you phone" and that "dysfunctional pattern" will continue. No TRUST will be established.

[QUOTE]Also the passive-aggressive stuff (joking with you one moment, going totally b*tchy on you the next).[QUOTE]

I will give an example:

W: WE should get ITEM for HOUSEHOLD that will BENEFIT us BOTH

Me thinking: Why would she want to get something for the for the house if she is leaving

Me: Sounds good what do YOU have in mind

W thinking: I think I just gave him the thought that I'm staying

W: Never mind, oh and as a reminder I'M LEAVING

Sure it sucks but the more she commits to doing things the more time we spend together which leads to more opportunity for me to put my changes on display.

The more we make our house a home, the more comfortable she feels to be there and hopefully increases her chances of staying.

Don't get me wrong, there are times where I did feel that she had DISRESPECTED me and I let that be known. Such as her down playing the EA and does not believe it to be WRONG that she shared our business with a co-work who is a male. I let her know how I felt about that.

I need to choose my battles wisely. Arguing about the way she feels or the fact she contradicts herself will only lead to more problems. I am then seen as controlling or jerk. In the past I would have left her stuff on the doorstep (and I had before). In the past I would had spoke over her and shut her feelings out completely (which lead to this and the EA). I don't see it as a pattern but more of repeat of what I did to her. A taste of my own medicine. For it to be a pattern would suggest that I would once again repeat my same old terrible behavior. If I maintain a positive energy hopefully it rubs off on her and her spirits start to rise. She is in a state of depression and wont seek professional help, I can't combat depression and reconcile a marriage with negativity.

Also from what I read on many threads some/most of this is "wayward script" and if I give into it than I defeat the purpose of my DBing efforts. This is how I feel but if you can convince me to see it in a different light, I am all for it "whatever works."