As far as DBing goes, when something that was working no longer works then I should try something different... I want to make sure when all is said and done I did everything and tried everything. One thing I have not tried yet is to give her even more space by staying some place else for a few days and what for her response but giving our history I am not sue if it will help any
I'm suggesting that her crappy, disrespectful behavior toward you (this constantly picking up your phone and checking it) continues because you allow it to.
The majority of the time she asks for the phone and I hand it over. I have nothing to hide. She is paranoid that I would stray (is that not a good thing? or else why would she care?). Other times my phone is just lying there and she picks it up, which I also have no problem with. It is NOT LIKE I hide my phone and she finds it or the phone is in my pocket and she grabs or the phone is in my hand and she snatches it.
If I stop her from viewing my phone, then she thinks I do have something to hide. If her EA with OM sprouts again or with a different male and I try to view her phone she will say "No, remember when you never let me look at you phone" and that "dysfunctional pattern" will continue. No TRUST will be established.
[QUOTE]Also the passive-aggressive stuff (joking with you one moment, going totally b*tchy on you the next).[QUOTE]
I will give an example:
W: WE should get ITEM for HOUSEHOLD that will BENEFIT us BOTH
Me thinking: Why would she want to get something for the for the house if she is leaving
Me: Sounds good what do YOU have in mind
W thinking: I think I just gave him the thought that I'm staying
W: Never mind, oh and as a reminder I'M LEAVING
Sure it sucks but the more she commits to doing things the more time we spend together which leads to more opportunity for me to put my changes on display.
The more we make our house a home, the more comfortable she feels to be there and hopefully increases her chances of staying.
Don't get me wrong, there are times where I did feel that she had DISRESPECTED me and I let that be known. Such as her down playing the EA and does not believe it to be WRONG that she shared our business with a co-work who is a male. I let her know how I felt about that.
I need to choose my battles wisely. Arguing about the way she feels or the fact she contradicts herself will only lead to more problems. I am then seen as controlling or jerk. In the past I would have left her stuff on the doorstep (and I had before). In the past I would had spoke over her and shut her feelings out completely (which lead to this and the EA). I don't see it as a pattern but more of repeat of what I did to her. A taste of my own medicine. For it to be a pattern would suggest that I would once again repeat my same old terrible behavior. If I maintain a positive energy hopefully it rubs off on her and her spirits start to rise. She is in a state of depression and wont seek professional help, I can't combat depression and reconcile a marriage with negativity.
Also from what I read on many threads some/most of this is "wayward script" and if I give into it than I defeat the purpose of my DBing efforts. This is how I feel but if you can convince me to see it in a different light, I am all for it "whatever works."
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
The majority of the time she asks for the phone and I hand it over. I have nothing to hide. She is paranoid that I would stray (is that not a good thing? or else why would she care?). Other times my phone is just lying there and she picks it up, which I also have no problem with. It is NOT LIKE I hide my phone and she finds it or the phone is in my pocket and she grabs or the phone is in my hand and she snatches it.
That's not the impression I've been left with as I've read your exchanges, and I've read all of them. Perhaps I'm wrong.
You seem to make a lot of excuses for your wife's poor and boorish behavior, in my opinion.
Quote:
If I stop her from viewing my phone, then she thinks I do have something to hide.
That's her issue, not yours. I have no problem with a mutually-agreed-upon plan of MUTUAL TRANSPARENCY, but I don't think you should allow her to snatch it whenever she wants to -- online, detailed billing, with a copy of the billing going to her should suffice. The way she's doing it now is accusatory and disrespectful -- again, just my opinion, from what I read when you describe the exchanges.
I need to choose my battles wisely. Arguing about the way she feels or the fact she contradicts herself will only lead to more problems. I am then seen as controlling or jerk. In the past I would have left her stuff on the doorstep (and I had before). In the past I would had spoke over her and shut her feelings out completely (which lead to this and the EA). I don't see it as a pattern but more of repeat of what I did to her. A taste of my own medicine. For it to be a pattern would suggest that I would once again repeat my same old terrible behavior. If I maintain a positive energy hopefully it rubs off on her and her spirits start to rise. She is in a state of depression and wont seek professional help, I can't combat depression and reconcile a marriage with negativity.
DISAGREE. You're quibbling over my use of the word "pattern." OK, so let me put it another way:
How is excusing and allowing her crap behavior toward you now, just because she allowed it from you towards her in the past, helping?
I'm not suggesting "negativity." I'm suggesting positive, upbeat . . . while maintaining reasonable boundaries about how she is allowed to treat you.
The phone issue is not as bad as it seems but I do follow you. I actually took it as a positive that she cares enough that she wanted to look at the phone. Assuming the emotion behind it was jealousy and the paranoia that I were to stray.
BTW thank you for reading a long and for all your input.
Last edited by OfficerInNeed; 04/02/1003:29 PM.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I'm suggesting that her crappy, disrespectful behavior toward you (this constantly picking up your phone and checking it) continues because you allow it to. Also the passive-aggressive stuff (joking with you one moment, going totally b*tchy on you the next).
She will begin to respect you once you begin to respect yourself -- no sooner.
Do you REALLY think this is "working"?? By what definition do you think it is working?
Puppy
I dunno PDT, I think his wife has clinical depression. I think a lot of the erratic hehaviuor is from depression here, particularly the cyncial negative commentary.
I don't know if you've had to deal with that, but getting aggressive doesn't impreove that situation.
If his wife is in pain from depression then her negativity isn't disrespectful as much as it is just a manifestation of how much she's struggling.
Right now with OIN's FIL prepping a new home for his wife I think OIN would do best to be as helpful and lovign as he can right now.. and she has shown good responses to that.
I really don't think her looking at his phone is a bad thing.. if that's what she needs to set her mind at ease then I would think just let her do it.
The key thing I think is OIN finding a solid family therapist and going. Once he sets that example open his wife may go.
Once his WIFE is with a professional that FT may reccomend treatment for depression. OIN's wife getting treatment for a possible chemical imbalance is in my opinion the most important goal here... not worrying over a phone or about negative outbursts... I think those are just symptoms.
This COULD be withdrawal from the emotional affair too.. it hasn't been that long and she did express frustration over that ending...
But with all the sleeping too I think is depression.. i have some experience with depression so its not hard for me to spot it when I read about it.
And yes OIN, being treated like crap for years and getting no recognition will cause a chemical imbalance in the brain making it very difficult to feel anything otehr than miserable... I am NOT saying you caused it... your wife should have spoken up more to warn you... she allowed you to disprespect her too... if she had spoken up more this may have been easier for both of you right now...
YOU should have been more respectful to her in the past, but so should she have... she let you treat her like dirt too... you both made the mess.
But right now getting her in to see someone for all of this is I think the key goal here... she CLEARLY WANTS to talk to someone...
I dunno PDT, I think his wife has clinical depression. I think a lot of the erratic hehaviuor is from depression here, particularly the cyncial negative commentary.
I don't know if you've had to deal with that, but getting aggressive doesn't impreove that situation.
Guess now it's MY day for people inferring something I never stated.
I never said to be "aggressive." I suggested that he maintain BOUNDARIES -- an opinion that I stand by even if it should turn out that his wife is clinically depressed (and I happen to think she is).
Too much of modern psychology/psychiatry, in my opinion, is just so much "excusing poor behavior." I even started a thread on this recently, after George Will wrote a really good column about it.
Don't get me wrong, there are times where I did feel that she had DISRESPECTED me and I let that be known. Such as her down playing the EA and does not believe it to be WRONG that she shared our business with a co-work who is a male. I let her know how I felt about that.
I need to choose my battles wisely. Arguing about the way she feels or the fact she contradicts herself will only lead to more problems. I am then seen as controlling or jerk. In the past I would have left her stuff on the doorstep (and I had before). In the past I would had spoke over her and shut her feelings out completely (which lead to this and the EA). I don't see it as a pattern but more of repeat of what I did to her. A taste of my own medicine. For it to be a pattern would suggest that I would once again repeat my same old terrible behavior. If I maintain a positive energy hopefully it rubs off on her and her spirits start to rise. She is in a state of depression and wont seek professional help, I can't combat depression and reconcile a marriage with negativity.
Also from what I read on many threads some/most of this is "wayward script" and if I give into it than I defeat the purpose of my DBing efforts. This is how I feel but if you can convince me to see it in a different light, I am all for it "whatever works."
I think your position here is very well put OIN. I am on side 100% here.
