how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

i don't know, OTM...i honestly think he could be in some kind of mental "episode" right now, because it wouldn't be the first time...i can only reach out to him so far, and from there it's up to him to take my hand. but i've tried to be patient and supportive and kind to him - no doubt i've had my moments and made mistakes along the way - but i feel he's retreated so far into his hole of despair that even i can't reach in and get him out.

i need to talk to a L first and find out when or if we would need to file an agreement prior to filing for divorce. if we don't need to file it prior to filing for D, i might ask him if we can just follow the agreement as it states on the document, but not necessarily sign anything until he wants to file for D.

i still really don't know if i said, i'll sign if you go to X amount of counseling sessions with me first for the sake of closure, that he'd be open to that. i've already asked him why we can't try at least one session, since we have to wait another 4 months to file anyway...to me, that's 4 months where we could at least put a toe in the water and see how it feels.

not everything in our M was an illusion...but i think some of it was for sure. i think back on how many things i did over the last year with my friends or my sister because my H was working or just wasn't interested in the event or thing i wanted to do. right now, at least, i think my H feels like he's given me a clear explanation...he's thought and thought and feels like he can no longer see us together for the rest of our lives. it's weird because that's what he was saying to me when he first wanted to separate back in january...then a few weeks to a month later it was, i'm not sure if this is what i want...what would you think about counseling? it was phone calls until 1 i the morning or him coming over in a snow storm. now he's back to "we just can't make this work," and i think he's honestly convinced himself that D is the only way to stop the cycle of us breaking up and getting back together.

i also don't know if i like his new IC. he seems to like her, but he said she doesn't give much attention to his ADHD, and i fear that she may have told him that a clean break was the only way for him to start fresh...