I agree, Wonder, but I also think you adapt based on how/what you are used to. Whatever adaptive behaviors you learned in childhood are put to use first, and you are not very aware of those things. So there is a big layer of your childhood that acts as an overlay onto your marriage and sometimes what is really a good adaptive thing in childhood, doesn't work well in marriage.
The broken contract is the present day pain...and I think it is the hardest thing I've ever been through (and my mom died when I was 9!). Maybe because grief is easier in the face of death, but grief for something that feels intentionally hurtful is much harder to process.
