OK, I made all the mistakes tonight. This all started by H wanting to talk custody issues.
Thinking of sending this email to H what do you think?
"I do not want you calling me names any more. IF you think I’m a crazy c*nt, keep it to yourself.
We agreed to not talk about things late at night. I asked you to prepare me before talking about delicate issues. I asked you to take turns and listen.
Instead you were going to let this get later before talking - I had to talk to you about not letting it get any later once it was 9pm. You are the one, in fact, that has consistently requested that we don't talk at night, and that you be prepared ahead of time about the topic, especially emotional ones - yet you were going to bring up an upsetting subject with me late and without preparation? I told you I wasn’t emotionally prepared when you brought it up. You didn’t respect it and kept talking. I told you I might not be able to handle this right now given the way it was presented to me – without respect for our agreements and without respect for my feelings of discomfort.
Then when I reacted you blamed me for “freaking out”. After I took a moment to calm down and asked you please to use the communication/listening exercise, you insulted me by saying that I went on some monologue - which showed insensitivity to what I was saying, and not listening.
Then you blamed me and told me that I was the one unwilling to negotioate although you had a hand in making this as difficult as possible for me to be calm and comfortable.
I felt ambushed and set up. Manipulated. Like you wanted me to be upset so you could say “See? You are not willing to communicate.”
After that, it was both of our problem. We both reacted, were mean, did hurtful things out of feeling attacked. We both felt victimized and tricked. We both felt hurt. We both blamed each other.
This can’t happen again.
Also yes we had a talk a coupld weeks ago, but that doesn’t mean you can just say “Oh, now that the separation papers are signed, I’m not interested in you” and have me be ok about it. I feel misled by words you did an didn’t say and I need you to acknowledge that.
While you were saying I was mean and untrustworthy, you were being exactly that to me – extremely mean and hurtful. And I’’m sorry for calling my dad but you were so hard on me I needed some support. I needed to know I wasn’t as crazy as you make me feel I am.
You called me a c*nt at top volume what if S had heard that?"
I was up crying for hours, unable to self soothe. I knew this was wrong. I knew he wouldn’t be there for me and I had to pull it together. I didn’t. I went in at 3am big mistake. I gently asked, Mr. Hope,? (HMMM?) Can I ask you something? (Hmmmm) are you listening?(Hmmmmm) Is that a yes? (nods yes with HMMM)
ME: I’m sorry about calling my dad but you hurt me so much I needed support . Cam I please have an apology or a hug or some nice words.
H:I can’t believe you’re [censored] doing this. Go away. I can’t believe you. This is [censored] bullshirt. I can’t believe this shirt. I hope you rot. I’m not rewarding this shirt. I would have given you a hug if you hadn’t pulled this shirt. Maybe you’re recording this and trying to trick me.
I don’t want him mad at me and blaming me. I don’t believe this is all my fault. I know I had my part in it. But I was hurt too and wantd an apology, I wanted to be made up to. In his mind, I’m totally at fault and deserve to be punished.
I"m so confused. His anger may be justified. H certainly feels it is and I can only validate this. But I can't understand how he feels this justifies talking to me like that. He kept going on about how I talk to my friends and get one-sided opinions, and so here I fear I"m doing it again. But this is that last straw. I can't imagine how he can justify all this in his mind. I know I have lied to him in the past. But that is in the past. If I'm researching how to have custody because I don't think he's fit to have 50% I don't expect him to feel anything but angry about that. I know I made that call without his consent.
But does that justify how he talks to me? Am I just crying wolf?
The only method I know, now that he blames me and justifies the way he blows up at me, is to go dark. I cannot allow myself to be treated this way, even if I"ve made mistakes. Even if I'm to blame. Even if his anger is justified.
And I KNOW he is going to use this night against me as "proof" of why he can't visit S at my house any longer.
