She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[steady]

mudpuppy - No you don't swallow your pride. You out her. You go to the neighbor and you confront him. First make sure you have evidence to back it up.

Even without any evidence I would go over and confront the neighbor. I'd ask him to clarify why my W is coming over his house on a daily basis.

Obviously if your W is having a PA with your neighbor and making no efforts to hide if from you, then she has completely lost respect for you.

Throw her out of the house. Show her you won't stand to be disrespected that way.

At least you'll hold onto your dignity and self respect.

[mudpuppy]

Sorry, but another question.

Paperwork for D has been started. She wants me to get an apartment/house now and get out before anything is final. Should I ever consider doing this. Or just tell her that this is my house too and I am staying until the end.

M 48
W 44
M 24 years
D 19
D 12

[steady]

I have a question that I really don't understand.

How can someone just starting being so mean and hateful. My W has been talking to all her old friends from before we were married. She's been talking, texting, and Facebooking comments to these people. It's almost like she's in high school again.

My W did the same thing. It's like she reverted and is reaching back to capture something from her youth. That's why I think there's an MLC in my sitch also.

Her H is in Afghanistan and she can't call, email or post anything on Facebook to me. How can she just reject me like this. How do they lose there mind like this?

I'm not sure there's an answer to why. I would guess they feel lost and are trying to find some semblance of balance.

I'm finding myself rejected and neglected, like most of us do at this point. I don't want to let this bother me like it is, but I can't help it. I haven't hurt this woman to cause this, but in her mind I've done something.

You better take another look at this - I haven't hurt this woman to cause this...

Obviously in her mind you have done something. I'm sure she's done things to you to help with the deterioration of the marriage. You can't do anything about her taking responsibility for her share, but you can take responsibility for your share and fix that.

There's one person in particular to that she's talking to that I want to ask her about. The person that she sen't the post card to a few weeks back. I still wonder what her intentions are with this. I really want to question her about this relationship. Can I?

Don't confront unless you have some evidence of inappropriate behavior which you have decided on a boundary with. Also, she will just lie to you if her intentions are less than honorable, so confronting her without any evidence will really do nothing for you.

[steady]

Sorry, but another question.

Paperwork for D has been started. She wants me to get an apartment/house now and get out before anything is final. Should I ever consider doing this. Or just tell her that this is my house too and I am staying until the end.

Talk to a lawyer. My lawyer advised me to stay in the house until there was a written agreement in place. That's what I did. Often when you move out they can get you for abandonment and end up causing all kinds of grief for you.

My W would continually tell me to leave. I would just look at her and say, "This is my house and these are my children too. If you want out, then you leave."

I'd seek legal counsel on this before I made any move. Also, I would tell her to leave because she's the one that is wanting a D.

[tbart01]

I'm glad some of you are still awake to talk me off the ledge.

i just got done talking to a friend that's over here with me, and he also suggested I ask nothing. If I want to show a different side of me then I need to not ask. The truth is she's talking to allot of people, both male and female. It just seems like she's sparking up all her old friendships since I've been gone.

For the most part she's abandoned some of our co-friends and she just communicates with her friends. She's abandoned our co=friends that she knows have shown me support. These friends are all 2000 miles away, so there's nothing to it other than phone conversations.

It's just me playing mind games with myself again. Anything out of the ordinary makes me want to question it. However, that's what she would expect me to do, so I probably shouldn't.

She's trying really hard to do and be something she either has never been or hasn't done for 17 years. This is sort of sad to watch how lost this woman is. She thinks she's found herself, but she's really trying to hard to be something else.

[Surviving03]

Exactly! To be honest... you kind of have to let her feel that out for a little while... she will never be able to come out of her fog until she can explore that a little bit... you could be in a really good position right now to start doing 180's and not questioning her and her conversations with other people.. and detaching in a way to seem as though you have had an awakening and you will be fine with or without her.. just focus on your children, on yourself, and let her figure herself out. No pressure from you... thats the only thing that will get her to ever come back to you and your M

[tbart01]

I've been doing tons of 180's since I've been going through this. I've had no choice but to do so. She's so deep into her fog i doubt she would even notice when i don't do something, but she certainly would notice if i did. That's the reason not saying anything about this would be the smart way to go for me.

SV3 you know as well as i do how hard is to detach from someone you haven't seen. I'm still physically attached, because know what I want. You know what's expected after returning from a long deployment. I know that won't be happening.

There's obviously some emotional attachment as well, but I find that shrinking by the day. I'm attached to the person I left, but not the person that's there right now. i desire what i can't have, and that's her the way she was and what i thought I would be coming home to.

[tbart01]

I've been doing tons of 180's since I've been going through this. I've had no choice but to do so. She's so deep into her fog i doubt she would even notice when i don't do something, but she certainly would notice if i did. That's the reason not saying anything about this would be the smart way to go for me.

SV3 you know as well as i do how hard it is to detach from someone you haven't seen. I'm still physically attached, because I know what I want. You know what's expected after returning from a long deployment. I know that won't be happening.

There's obviously some emotional attachment as well, but I find that shrinking by the day. I'm attached to the person I left, but not the person that's there right now. I desire what I can't have, and that's her the way she was and what/who I thought I would be coming home to.

[mudpuppy]

Steady - Thanks for the advice. As far as proof of a PA I do have that. As for confronting the neighbor I will soon. I am afraid if I do so now I will do something I will regret because my anger level is so high. I will take your advice and stay in the house until its over and tell her she can leave if she wants to.

[tbart01]

mud you're a better man than me, because I'd have already been over there and it wouldn't be pretty. I know from personal experience that it would only make it worse.

As hard as it might be you need to handle it peacefully and calmly. Anything other than that will only make it worse for you and your kids.

I'm not sure what you want for your marriage, but if you approach this wrong all will be doomed. It will only push them further away, trust me on this one I know.

Collect yourself, and let the anger die down. You need to approach this, you absolutely can't let this go on. However, please approach this the way I described.