How do I act?

[Wildaces81]

Bravo Mr.B. That is well said.

[Surviving03]

You are so right Mr Bond... so so very right. I do feel sometimes like I am giving up too soon because I decided to leave... but then I remember I didnt DECIDE to leave out of my own free will.. I decided that my H doesnt want to be with me and I need to stop putting myself thru more emotional train wrecks and go do me. I can say that I didnt DB very well...I let my emotions get the best of me more often than not and got me way off track. But I am in a unique situation where "separating" means moving to a different country, which highly complicates things... but I came to a point where I realize it is best for me, I will not be able to GAL and figure myself out unless I do leave here.

I started to think of reasons why I might be better off without H and things that I realize that I dont like about him, this is what I came up with so far:

first...He was never very helpful at all around the house, never ever washed a dish the whole time we were together, the MOST I ever got him to do was take the trash out.. so perhaps I will find a more helpful partner in the future?

Second... I love my in-laws, but their standard of living is terrible and I have actually felt at times that I wouldnt be able to bring my own children around them in certain situations out of concern for their life and well being (one example: family reunion 2008, someone had drugs, people got in fist fights, someone had a GUN... thats ONE example)

Third...i LOVE my step daughter, but maybe now i can experience having a child with someone for the first time for both of us, I always kind of felt like it wont be as exciting for H when we had kids, like been there done that

Fourth... he is so financially irresponsible, but yet wants to live lavishly and have expensive things when he cant afford them, maybe I can find a partner who shares similar view points as me in regard to money and saving and responsibility.

Fifth...i always felt like he wasn't very affectionate in public and i hated that... i felt like when we were around people (unless he was drunk) he just acted like we werent together sometimes, he never held my hand unless I made a big deal about it, hardly EVER kissed me in public... and it hurt my feelings alot of the time, things were different at home, but around people.. I used to feel like he wasnt proud to show me off as his wife sometimes.

Sixth... He WANTS to go take a contract job overseas after he gets out of the military next year, he always has said he just wants to get back to his daughter and be there for his children and wife and what not... but really his main priority is to get money, we come second... and third... and fourth... I would like a H who wants to be home and not leave us behind for a dollar.

Thats what I have so far... There are alot of things I do love about him, and I may just be reaching for things now to help me feel better... but this is what I thought last night, after he made it clear to me again that he does want me to leave and he does still think we need to divorce...

[tbart01]

it's pretty sad that all the things you say you want your H to be is exactly what my W has. Most woman say they want a person like that, but here my W is willing to give that up.

I like your attitude though, and you're absolutely right. you need to look it as positive as you possibly can.

Your priorities and your h priorities are in two different places right now. I know exactly what that's like, because my w and I have two different priorities now.

You/we need to decide what's important for ourselves, because our spouses are currently riding a different train. In my case my kids and i are the priority for me. My W will say it's the kids,
but it's clearly herself. I think your H has the same priority, and that's him.

You sound a lot less lost than you used to, and I hope you keep that focus. I'm hoping your future is bright an positive.

[steady]

I started to think of reasons why I might be better off without H and things that I realize that I dont like about him, this is what I came up with so far:

first...He was never very helpful at all around the house, never ever washed a dish the whole time we were together, the MOST I ever got him to do was take the trash out.. so perhaps I will find a more helpful partner in the future?

Don't make it perhaps. Make it one of the things you HAVE to have in a future partner. (whether you and H reconcile or you move on to another relationship) Do you want to be some guy's slave? I don't think so.

Second... I love my in-laws, but their standard of living is terrible and I have actually felt at times that I wouldnt be able to bring my own children around them in certain situations out of concern for their life and well being (one example: family reunion 2008, someone had drugs, people got in fist fights, someone had a GUN... thats ONE example)

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree in most cases. There are exceptions. Usually the exception is someone who has done some introspection and worked on their inherited issues.

Third...i LOVE my step daughter, but maybe now i can experience having a child with someone for the first time for both of us, I always kind of felt like it wont be as exciting for H when we had kids, like been there done that.

Here you are guessing what his reaction might be in some future event which may or may not happen. For all you know he could be even happier about another child...or maybe not. You can't read the future, so leave the future to itself. You've got enough in the now to focus on.

Fourth... he is so financially irresponsible, but yet wants to live lavishly and have expensive things when he cant afford them, maybe I can find a partner who shares similar view points as me in regard to money and saving and responsibility.

This is really big in a relationship. Again, not MAYBE you can find someone - make it a deal breaker. Money is one of the biggest things couples have difficulties over.

Fifth...i always felt like he wasn't very affectionate in public and i hated that... i felt like when we were around people (unless he was drunk) he just acted like we werent together sometimes, he never held my hand unless I made a big deal about it, hardly EVER kissed me in public... and it hurt my feelings alot of the time, things were different at home, but around people.. I used to feel like he wasnt proud to show me off as his wife sometimes.

This is your desire. If you like it then it's a way you feel special and loved. You have to decide how important this is in a relationship.

Sixth... He WANTS to go take a contract job overseas after he gets out of the military next year, he always has said he just wants to get back to his daughter and be there for his children and wife and what not... but really his main priority is to get money, we come second... and third... and fourth... I would like a H who wants to be home and not leave us behind for a dollar.

I think you signed on to this when you married a military man. Although, I know him volunteering to go contract out is not the same as being deployed with you coming along. Maybe you need someone who has different priorities.

Thats what I have so far... There are alot of things I do love about him, and I may just be reaching for things now to help me feel better... but this is what I thought last night, after he made it clear to me again that he does want me to leave and he does still think we need to divorce...

Nothing wrong with looking for things negative. When stuff like this happens we have a tendency to look at only the positives of the relationship. We get amnesia about the things we didn't like. Of course, you'll find these in any R.

Some of the things on your list are important to have a mutual understanding of.

I look and see how young you are. A lot of times youth will toss some of the issues that are important in any relationship aside for that 'in love' euphoria which is absolutely blinding.

Make your list of what you want in a man and in a relationship. Look at it. Think about it. Weigh how important each one is. There's nothing wrong with doing that. Plus, it's another thing that you can use to focus on yourself and improving you.

One other thing - I am a firm believer that we attract the people we attract because of how WE are. You'll see a woman marry or date one alcoholic after another because of HER issues. I think this happens on a subconscious level so you may want to take a look at YOU and see what is it about you that attracted you to him and him to you.

[Surviving03]

Thank you Steady... that gives me alot to think about... and reflecting back, I see where maybe I brushed some of those things aside and chose to ignore for the time being because i was in love and that felt better than worrying about money issues and his family and what not. And I see where H prob brushed some things aside that he didnt like about me for the same reasons. I can say that I was well aware of things before we got married, and that he did do alot of changing (such as financially, he started wanting to save money, started realizing what he could and could not afford, but now that he wants to be single he has reverted back to his old habits) he also started out being very helpful around the house, but that stopped and never really came back... etc... so I guess I may have been more decieved to think that he was making some good changes for our relationship, but then shortly into our marriage those things stopped and of course they are completely stopped now.

H was talking to me today about alot of stories and things he heard from other people about their marriages or divorces and what not and I suddenly feel today that I am a victim of negative influences around my H. H was telling me about how OW is divorced and how her sitch went, and how so and so was talking about all the bad stuff his exW did to him and then so and so was getting D because of xyz and etc.... of the 15 people on his crew, sounds like about 10 were divorced or getting divorced... if THATS the kind of stuff that was surrounding him for 7 months, and here he is thinking we have some problems... wow! now I really do believe OW has a much bigger role in this than I realized, before H started to have a crush on her, they were work friends and she prob talked to him alot about her sitch and he got to feeling like he can relate and she may have come out of it a "better" person or what not... and he has said SO many times something along the lines of "people get divorced, it happens" like its no big deal, he sees it all the time... well of course its no big deal to him, he wasnt able to break the cycle, wasnt able to be stronger than those around him, was easily influences IMO... and here I am left to be the victim of that... but so is H... he became a victim of influence... subconscience influence... I really believe this now... this is a tragedy...

[steady]

Surviving,

One thing that is typical in all these sitch's is the WAS will surround themselves with people who will bolster their position. Anyone or anything that is in direct opposition to the course they are on will be rejected and ejected.

My W has done the same thing. They do this to rationalize what they are doing is the right thing to do.

Do you want to be with someone who is so flippant about marriage? Someone who apparently didn't hear the 'for worse' part? (My W obviously didn't hear it either)

I say let them bury themselves in their own rationalizations. That's their baggage. It does suck, but it is what it is.

We all have a tendency to look the other way in the beginning of a relationship. Those things we find so 'cute and quirky' about our partner turn out to be the things we end up resenting. Learn one of the lessons here. Keep your eyes open early in the relationship knowing in the honeymoon phase we are blind and people are mostly on their best behavior.

Red flags can't be ignored and need to be addressed early on.

This is my challenge to you:

When he started to do less and less around the house, why did you let him get away with it? This is one of your issues to work on.

[Surviving03]

So true... the answer is NO I dont want to be with someone who feels marriages can just come and go, and for better for for worse really only meant for better. I didnt know that was the case for H until now, obviously, but now that I know... I dont like it. And yes, I will know now in a future relationship to be more aware and really think about the red flags that cant be ignored... I hope it doesnt make me too guarded and scared that I cant open up to someone, but I will be far more cautious.

The thing about the house work... i dont know that i let him get away with it, it actually became a source of many arguments...the same arguments H now says were making him miserable and unhappy. I guess I just didnt know how to communicate better with him in order to get results.

I noticed on H facebook today he posted some pics he took of himself today, one without a shirt on, one where he is flexing his biceps... etc... SO out of character for him typically... but now that he has lost so much weight and is gonna be single, I guess he thinks he is hot Sh!t... its quite pathetic IMO..I saw it and my first reaction was "grow up" its sad to watch him revert to his old immaturity... The way he talks about his new Navigator, and some convo's i came across where he was talkin about being divorced and single.. and now these pics... WOW... very unattrative to me... I need a man, a responsible, respectable man... which i THOUGHT i had... nope... not anymore...

[tbart01]

Watch it, I took pictures of myself without a shirt on and posted it on Facebook. I'm just playing with you. I posted them because I was proud of myself and people had asked for pictures. I wasn't flexing though, even though I could have.

i have wondering what had happened with your meeting on Friday. Sorry to hear that you H is stuck in his own little world. It appears as though you know what you want for yourself, and right now your H isn't that.

At this point you need to chalk this up as a learning experience. You may or may not have known what you wanted form your H or a man before this. His behavior may be what's enlightning you to this.

I hope for nothing but good things for you now and in the future. I get to go home in a few days, and I hope for the same for me.

I've been wondering about you, so keep us posted and I'll be doing the same on my thread. There's some new stuff there if you haven't had a chance to look.

[steady]

surviving, a lot of times they revert to old behaviors and reach back for old friends. It seems like something happens to them where they totally change and ofter revert. I have watched my W do it also.

At one point she had two empty bottles of wine on her TV in her room (we've been in separate rooms for over two years now) - one of the bottle's label was EVAL and the other one was BIT*H. She had them side by side. Now this is a 38 year old woman with two young kids (6 and 4) doing this. And our son can read.

It's just absolutely incredible how this happens. But it's not very rare by the looks of how many people are here...and new ones come in almost every day.

The stuff on facebook is his little fantasy he's built up in his mind. He's a boy acting like a boy - instead of a man.

Keep your chin up and keep focusing on you and what you need to do to take care of yourself.

[Surviving03]

Well guys... today is the day that H and I sit in front of our C and tell him that we def want an ERD for me to go home. I am pretty nervous, as once we tell him that, the paperwork is in full force.

H and I had a pretty good weekend, did alot of things together, got along great, had some fun... once again, caught him staring at me alot, seemed deep in thought alot... etc. So last night I said to him, are you ready for our appt tomorrow, he said yeah... I asked him what was he going to say, and he said what do you mean? what do you think I am going to say? I said I dont know, do you still feel like all this is a good idea? He said yes, I said you are sure about this?? He said Yes (just very matter of factly)... I said you have told me a few times since you been home that you love me, do you really? He said yes I do, I said well H why are we getting a D then? why dont we just try? and he said "why are you bothering me?!"...WOW.. I know DB says dont ask if they love you etc... I guess I just kinda felt like it was my last attempt before the paperwork becomes official... but I see now that Mr Nice Guy is just an act, either just to make it thru our days in a decent manner, or to keep me on his good side so I dont turn over those emails...but its not because he cares about me or about our marriage.

So after today... I guess its over for real.....?