How to approach W about OM

[MrBond]

Seriously guy, stop giving her your phone. You're driving yourself crazy with her yanking your chain.

[Jasmine]

My apologies. I should have read through the entire post. I just caught my spousal projections here. Plus I know about puppies! Again, my apologies.

[Allen A]

Mr Bond, what on earth is so terrible about cooperating with your spouse when they feel anxious and seeing their husband's phone sets their mind at ease?

There is no affair going on.. no need to play mind games or be aggressive at all.

She wants to see his phone.. she's got her father building an apartment for her... I say if it makes HER FEEL ANY BETTER then let her see the phone. OIN if you put up a fight over that phone to her that will just do a LOT of damage in my opinion. And I can't see any harm coming from sharing the phone. I know she's being difficult with you, but if you can stomach that for a while I think you may just save this thing... She's just being a typical wayward. I don't see any harm coming from sharing the phone.

Every time you share that phone she sets herself up so when you want to look at hers... she's already tagged and bagged...

I think you handled most of it well, not sure about the phone thing... OIN if you are messing with your phone while you are wtih her Jaz is right it may be offensive, but I honestly doubt you would be doin that..I think you know better than that by now right?

[OfficerInNeed]

No, I was disrespectful to her and was sneaking a peek at my phone. Next time I will leave my phone in another room. I keep the phone by me due to my work.

I also was being a jerk in a sense when she took the phone. Actually I handed it over to her. I have no shame or anything to hide BUT on my blackberry is what I post from the most on this board and if she were to open the browser she would then have access to this very message board and everything I posted and that is something I do not want her to stumble upon.

If I keep the phone from her then she will start to become secretive with hers more so and then more DRAMA.

I need to reverse the DAMAGE done today.

[MrBond]

"Mr Bond, what on earth is so terrible about cooperating with your spouse when they feel anxious and seeing their husband's phone sets their mind at ease?"

There's nothing wrong with "cooperating" or showing your spouse your phone. The issue is that she is the one who had the A, not him. And even after he shows her the phone (or she takes it which is disrespectful), she still treats him like sh*t.

And besides, the phone is only a part of the larger picture. She hasn't wanted to fess up to what she had done wrong. No remorse, no regret. She's playing the victim. Sure she was hurt in the past, but let's face it. All M are like that. Sometimes you hurt your spouse without meaning to, sometimes they hurt you. But you don't go and have an A because of it. And you definitely don't continue to treat someone like dirt when he's been bending over backwards for her.

My W as well as other WASs on here have done the same. You of all people know that. His W hasn't been as transparent as he has because he hasn't really put her to task.

IMO, it really is time for OIN to take care of himself. OIN, you're just driving yourself crazy and it's not even your drama. She wants attention, fine. But there's a difference between good attention and bad attention. Bottom line is that she told you she was still leaving, okay, so do something different.

You can be friendly, but don't bend over backwards for her. Take care of yourself first my friend. Get yourself strong. Then you can tackle her issues head on and not be second-guessing yourself.

[OfficerInNeed]

I did a lot of typing today so I just wanted to recap fr clarity.



- W helped assemble bed set. (PRO)

- W wanted to purchased patio furniture (PRO)

- W then changed mind about patio furniture saying "I didn't want to get it, you have too many bills as it is" after I asked her where she wanted to go look (CON)

- W said "Did you think about how your going to make the mortgage payments once I leave?" (CON)

- W and I went shopping together (PRO)

- W helped pick out new bedding (SOMEWHAT PRO)

- W expressed interest in getting new lamps for bedroom (what for I thought? she is leaving anyway)

- W and I shared some laughs looking at a book in a book store (PRO)

- W and I went for ice cream (PRO)
- W and I rented a movie (PRO)
- W and I dressed the bed (PRO)
- W said she was going to sleep in different room (CON)

- W then contradicted herself and began to setup her side of the bed, which prompted me to say a joke which resulted in an argument of sorts (CON!!!!)

- W stormed out the room and began to clean other room (CON)

- I apologized to W and she said "It's my fault, I did something wrong and that's why you say what you said, just like in the past 10 years its always me doing wrong making you act like this" (CON)

- W said "I am counting down the days." (CON)

- I said "I am going to my parents while you count down the days" and W said "whatever" (CON!!)

- W begins to bring up past (CON)

- W tells me by going to parents I will make matter worse. She
does NOT want HER BUSINESS being shared. I then compared to her A with OM. she responded "That is my business, I found someone I can trust and confide in him" I questions the friendship and the trust (CON)

- W mentioned how she felt depressed (CON)

- I suggested to see a professional by saying "There are professionals who can help and listen not some random co-worker who happens to be a male." W responds with "Yeah they are called DIVORCE LAWYERS! I just need to establish grounds" and I reply "Emotional infidelity is grounds" (CON!!!!!)

- W said she is so miserable. "I go to bed miserable hoping the day would end, then I wake up and I am miserable again." I say "I give you space and object to nothing, how do I make you miserable" W says "Did I say you? stop putting words in my mouth..." she went on to attack me and so I said (regretfully) if it is bad "there is the door" (DOH!! My emotions got the best of me)

- I decided to get my stuff and leave. W said I will only make it worse, I say "I understand what you are saying, but things cannot get better by me staying here" and proceeded to leave.

- I returned, apologized for "same old patterns" and we watch
movie (PRO)

- W and I share some laughs and eye contact during movie (PRO)

- I walked away during movie (CON)

- W took phone and I reacted like a nitwit. (CON)

- I went to my W's "bedroom" she, brought dog upstairs to lay with me. (PRO)

- I apologized for walking away during movie that it was rude of me.

- W fell to sleep on couch.

(PROS:11 / CONS: 14)

Day over, here's to tomorrow...

[OfficerInNeed]

"Mr Bond, what on earth is so terrible about cooperating with your spouse when they feel anxious and seeing their husband's phone sets their mind at ease?"

There's nothing wrong with "cooperating" or showing your spouse your phone. The issue is that she is the one who had the A, not him. And even after he shows her the phone (or she takes it which is disrespectful), she still treats him like sh*t.

And besides, the phone is only a part of the larger picture. She hasn't wanted to fess up to what she had done wrong. No remorse, no regret. She's playing the victim. Sure she was hurt in the past, but let's face it. All M are like that. Sometimes you hurt your spouse without meaning to, sometimes they hurt you. But you don't go and have an A because of it. And you definitely don't continue to treat someone like dirt when he's been bending over backwards for her.

My W as well as other WASs on here have done the same. You of all people know that. His W hasn't been as transparent as he has because he hasn't really put her to task.

IMO, it really is time for OIN to take care of himself. OIN, you're just driving yourself crazy and it's not even your drama. She wants attention, fine. But there's a difference between good attention and bad attention. Bottom line is that she told you she was still leaving, okay, so do something different.

You can be friendly, but don't bend over backwards for her. Take care of yourself first my friend. Get yourself strong. Then you can tackle her issues head on and not be second-guessing yourself.

I am doing a lot for myself. I work out, I started to do new things. I stay occupied with work. I am finding faith. I am seeing a therapist. I conquered my anger issues. I am slowly conquering my insecurities with the help of counseling and books.

My W sleeps all day! When she is not sleeping she is showering/bathing or at work (being giddy).

I hand her my phone (upon her request).

She treats me like dirt because I abused her for several years. I treated her like dirt.

I am slowly detaching myself from hanging on her every word and action. It is tough when the person you love gives a sliver of hope and it seems when she realizes she did, she then retracts her comments and dishes out a "I'm leaving"

I am using this forum as a journal, as way to vent (better here than to her), for opinions, advice and a resource. Who better to chime in than those who lived it?

My W was the greatest. There was nothing she would not do for me. She put up with so much of my garbage and managed to maintain a smile. She always put me and our R before herself. I took it all for granted, showed no appreciation and on top of that treated her like DIRT! I DESERVE all this (except for the EA part). I will endure HELL to get my W back, I just want to make sure in the process I make the necessary changes for self so I don't stray down the same roads of the past. Dont get me wrong we still had great times and thats how we made it so far, and we still have some good times considering the situation.

[Lotus]

W said she is so miserable. "I go to bed miserable hoping the day would end, then I wake up and I am miserable again." I say "I give you space and object to nothing, how do I make you miserable" W says "Did I say you? stop putting words in my mouth..." she went on to attack me and so I said (regretfully) if it is bad "there is the door" (DOH!! My emotions got the best of me)

You need to stop taking everything so personally. She is telling you here that she is miserable. Not that the marriage is miserable. She is miserable. This could be any number of things. It could be depression. It could be a hormonal imbalance. I don't see her accusing you of anything here. But you fly off the handle and tell her to leave. Where is the connection? Where is the understanding? Where is the husband who wants to help her? It is not all about you.

[OfficerInNeed]

W said she is so miserable. "I go to bed miserable hoping the day would end, then I wake up and I am miserable again." I say "I give you space and object to nothing, how do I make you miserable" W says "Did I say you? stop putting words in my mouth..." she went on to attack me and so I said (regretfully) if it is bad "there is the door" (DOH!! My emotions got the best of me)

You need to stop taking everything so personally. She is telling you here that she is miserable. Not that the marriage is miserable. She is miserable. This could be any number of things. It could be depression. It could be a hormonal imbalance. I don't see her accusing you of anything here. But you fly off the handle and tell her to leave. Where is the connection? Where is the understanding? Where is the husband who wants to help her? It is not all about you.

You are right. No excuses. I got caught up in the situation rather than being the husband I need to be.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

What are you suggesting PDT?

As far as DBing goes, when something that was working no longer works then I should try something different... I want to make sure when all is said and done I did everything and tried everything. One thing I have not tried yet is to give her even more space by staying some place else for a few days and what for her response but giving our history I am not sue if it will help any

I'm suggesting that her crappy, disrespectful behavior toward you (this constantly picking up your phone and checking it) continues because you allow it to. Also the passive-aggressive stuff (joking with you one moment, going totally b*tchy on you the next).

She will begin to respect you once you begin to respect yourself -- no sooner.

Do you REALLY think this is "working"?? By what definition do you think it is working?

Puppy