"I wish you could know how sorry I am that things turned out this way. Never in my worst nightmares would I wanted this.
I hope you are well."
and leave out the peace and grace. Except--not being a religious person--but I feel like--I don't know--going to confession--you say you are sorry so that you can find? be granted? be open? to the grace of God's forgiveness. All you Catholics, help me out here!
I guess I really do want to have him forgive me for my part in the failure of the R, but I don't think that is a conversation that is ever going to happen.
Sigh.
To write, or not to write, that is the question.
A simple few lines, to a man you spent half your life with.
"I wish you could know how sorry I am that things turned out this way. Never in my worst nightmares would I wanted this.
I hope you are well."
I think this is fine. I am Catholic, or was raised Catholic but not practicing. (but it's one of those things you can never really escape IMHO!!) Good Catholics out there please chime in but here's my 2 cents.
I would write out everything, don't edit yourself, just pour your guts out. Get out everything - EVERYTHING - you want to say. Then put it away for at least several days. Then go back & read it. If it still feels like you want to say all that to him, post it here first. Here's why:
What if you pour your guts out & X doesn't "forgive", or respond or gets angry, starts a fight, etc., etc.?
I just don't want you to be waiting for validation from him. You don't need it. He doesn't deserve to give it. Yes, I know the R failing may have many reasons, nothing is ever all one person's fault.
But you say you don't have any expectations from doing this, yet it sounds like you expect forgiveness, or some type of response from him. I'm afraid if you don't get it, or get a negative reply you will feel much worse.
If it's forgiveness or grace from God you're seeking, then that's between you & God, and X doesn't need an email sent for that.
This is what I am struggling with. I want to honestly say what I feel. Cause not saying it is one of the main reasons we are where we are.
How about this (in response to his response about dividing things up)
X-
Before I respond to the "next steps" I want to say the following.
I don't expect any reply. This is for me.
I wish you could know how sorry I am that things turned out this way. Never in my worst nightmare would I have imagined or wanted this.
I hope someday I can say this to you. It would help to bring me some peace.
I hope you are well.
Avermont
Opinions, all. I don't have anything to lose. We are far out of DB world. I don't know that I ever had a shot at it. I could 180 my brains out, be the most wonderful desirable woman in the world (which I am working on!) and he and I just never...talked again.
So, what's to lose? what's to gain? Saying something honest from my heart.
(((Aver)))) Yeah, me too. Far out of the DB world. Only part of DB makes us focus on ourselves. That's the part I'm trying to focus on.
Guess if you really have no expectation of any kind of response, and the act of sending it will give you peace - then maybe so. My only reason for telling you not to is that I don't want to see you hurt more by placing future conditions on it.
For me, I sent a few from the heart emails & got crushed with a cold hearted reply that sent me to the bottom, & it took a long time to claw my way up again. I just don't want to see that happen to you.
I guess if you can really send it & then not expect anything from X - sure. But for me, I'll never do it again. I won't put myself in the position of vulnerability for him to rip me open again.
It doesn't mean that will happen to you. But I am in self-protection mode, that wall is up for me.
So maybe I'm not the best person to advise you here.
You probably want some other opinions on this, so that's my final 2 cents.
Whatever you decide, I will support you. And I'll be here if you need me. ((( Aver)))
I'm struggling with this precisely because we are in this mess because I didn't express my emotions.
I have another idea.
I can send the email (I should do it tonight) about dividing up stuff. Just business.
Then, one more piece of disentangling: we signed up as domestic partners thru my workplace twenty years ago. I picked up the form in September, to see what it said about dissolving DP. I should have had both of us sign it and send it in within 30 days.
Well, I certainly wasn't capable of that at that time.
So, what if I send the business email tonight. And send the dissolving DP form with the note about being sorry about all this. So the two things are separate.
I don't think I will get a blast of hate, this is all your fault, blah blah. I expect silence. When I wrote out my heart to him in the first days post-bomb (on the advise of therapists) I had to ASK if he had read it. He responded: "yes, thank you for the thoughts." So, just a non-committal, gee that's great you feel that way, too bad for you answer. I would expect to get that or nothing, most likely nothing. Especially if I preface it with: I don't expect a reply; this is for me.
Spending WAYY too much time thinking about him/her. Having found out that she is still not working (from his mom) I then went into thoughts of him signing her up for health care coverage thru his work. Bigamous in a way, no? As my workplace still thinks we are together!
I got him off all beneficiary things, so in no way is my workplace responsible if he falls under a truck, so legally I think I am OK, though legally I should have submitted the dissolution of DP status months ago.
So--what's your feedback? A business like email; a letter with the DP form saying some heart stuff.
I have been a crying mess the past week anyhow--wow, this is another stage of grief, hitting me like a brick fricking wall--how much worse can it get?
I SO appreciate your caution about opening myself up to hurt.
I sent the quitclaim and the "simple agreement" (written by my lawyer, says we have divided things up" to X. Well, it will go in the mail tomorrow.
I sent to his office the "Official notice of Dissolution of Domestic Partnership" as required by my work. I enclosed the note that just says: I'm sorry it ended this way. Perhaps some day you will allow me to say that to you. I hope you are well."
I sent a long note suggesting how to divide things up. I will have friends bring ALL his stuff and the joint stuff to the garage this Saturday. Hopefully Sunday we can go thru the stuff and divide it up. He will have to come get it all another time, but it will be out of the house, out of sight, and the joint stuff will be settled.
I'm not even crying all that much.
It's there. It's done. Time to live, or not live. Survive and find something to laugh about again some day, or just curl up and die. I guess I haven't died yet, so I will probably keep going.
Thanks to all who have supported me in this journey.
I will keep posting updates as pertinent--and of course, my times in the upcoming 1/2 marathons! and bless and thank all of you who have been here for me.
(((Aver)))), I think that sounds fine. It was was short & to the point, but from the heart. Good job.
I know, doing the legal/paper stuff is hard. But after wrestling with this for many mos. I agree keeping it separate is the best way.
You've had an awful couple of weeks so please take care & do something good for yourself. I have to run of out here right now for a C appt. but I'll check back hopefully later w a more detailed reply. (((((Aver))))))
Oh, and I did come up with one more reason not to curl up and die, or not kill myself:
If I do that before I buy the house, X will get the house!!! So no matter how much I want to just put a pillow over my face, or wish for an errant Mack truck to swerve my way, I have to keep going until the closing, at least!
So--3 things to look forward to: 1/2 marathon trial run this Saturday 1/2 marathon for real end of April Closing the house and having it go to my family, or set up a Home for Wayward Orphans should anything happen to me.
