Next steps

[avermont]

Thanks, FM.

No, I haven't worked on detachment in IC. What the heck have I been working on??!

going thru grief, acknowledging feelings.. I have an C meeting tomorrow, I will ask her about detachment.

Yes, you are right--even if new GF is Nobel-peace-prize winner, , Mother Teresa and Bill Gates all rolled into one, it doesn't make me any different or less than I always was. But apparently makes me less desireable as a life partner...

[LookingFrAnswers]

((((Aver))))
So you are buying the house from X. I know you feel badly (though you shouldn't) but you've made a smart decision for you, b/c you have that asset. And you went with what your heart told you. Remember you can always sell it or rent it out.

THe dividing stuff up. Sister I am so with you there. I don't have cheery words on that b/c that is the thing I am dealing w right now. But if it helps know that I'm here a few states west in our parallel universe, and going through the same thing. It sucks, but we will get through it. We will, I promise you.

RE: The MIL, I'm sorry but what is wrong with her?? In no way is any of that of relevance to you (if it is true). It's insensitive. Why on earth would she email you that? Does she has some kind of grudge against you? Could she have been telling you stuff purposely knowing it would upset you? I don't mean to make accusations but, that's what it sounds like to me.

I believe this is a boundary issue, and I think she has inappropriately crossed yours.

Aver, I have to say either delete her emails or if you think it will work, reply to her something like, I hope we can still be friends but I'd prefer not to hear about X and what he's doing - I'm sure you understand. Or something.

The experts on here will chime in with better advice. See Coach's thread on Boundaries in Newcomers, as I am certainly no expert. Good info there.

I think it is harmful for you to be thinking so much about X & what he is or isnt' doing. I know, I know. The pot calling the kettle black! I know this b/c I see myself do it too.

And I hate to see you hurting like this. You left some good questions on my thread about GALing, i.e. what am I doing for me? Well now I ask you the same thing.

Why is it we see in others what we don't see in ourselves?

And why is it we don't do the things that will help us when we need it the most? I guess that what friends are for.

Aver, I know this sucks. I know you are hurting badly right now. I wish I could take it away but we have to walk through the fire. Remember you are not just a half of X. You are a whole person, an awesome person in your own right. You are better than this crappy sitch not of your making. That's why. Please hang in there. (((((Aver)))))

[flowmom]

No, I haven't worked on detachment in IC. What the heck have I been working on??!

going thru grief, acknowledging feelings.. I have an C meeting tomorrow, I will ask her about detachment.

Aver, I've been reading a lot about the importance of setting goals in C. Ideally your C would be encouraging you to set goals and working with you on them. You don't have the luxury of using your C time to "process" your grief and feelings. Use friends and the forum for that. IMO detaching should be the focus of your time in C. If you come back to that each week it will form a thread in the intervening days. You need to focus on you, but until you detach it will continue to be hard to do that.

hugs to you...

[chatterbug]

Aver {{{hugs}}}}

Tell us about the production.

Take each day and post something positive.

[talia]

(((AVER)))

I'm sorry things have been tough. Just remember - your xIL may not "like" new GF because they actually like her, but to keep your X happy....

Try to assume that everything ISN'T about you... then you will usually be right! OH - and remember - what other people think about you is none of your business!

Something I've been doing to FORCE myself to be grateful for the good things in my life... I have a list of three good things that happened each day. Sometimes its as simple as I got the dishes done or I didn't cry all day.... it forces me to keep a positive perspective and I've been putting them in a notebook so I can look back and see how far I've come!


Hang in there... BIG HUGS...

T

[avermont]

Thanks, all, for your support on this.

RE: MIL and painful remark: she's "not the only one not overjoyed." That is typical of her--she really is a depressed, cranky person, and tends to say awkward things at awkward moments.

That said, she has actually been pretty good about NOT talking about X in emails. It has been me doing the digging. Just like poking at a sore tooth. But maybe better than the folks here who torture themselves looking at X's FB page!

I did write back, more or less demanding to know: Who is so delighted? What, I was so awful they are glad I'm gone???

Not quite like that, but you get it.

Anyhow, she is only in touch with her family, not X's Dad's family (divorce) and I was much closer to Dad's side.

She did say that everyone keeps telling her "it's his life. Butt out." To which I replied, "they're right. Anything you or I or the fairy godmother could say would only push them closer together."

I did gather the intel that GF is still not working. And that she said that she's "concentrating on cooking for X."

So there you have it. A 42 year old man finds a 36 year old woman who: must have some source of income (I doubt he is giving her an allowance to pay for waxing and mani-pedis) but doesn't have to work. Thus can give all her time and energy into her new man, with no distractions. And be dependent on him for housing, perhaps groceries, and a social life.

What could be a more perfect match for an unhappy, emotionally and sexually starved middle aged guy, who has spent almost half his life with me--read: emotionally distant and not too hot on sex (until recently! I swear! I was heating up just before the affair began!) who is very committed to a very demanding job, and who doesn't like to cook?

He found Joan Cleaver. Only sexier. I have to admit, it seems like a very attractive package.

Anyhow, xMIL was doing her best. I dug, I got the hurt I deserve.

Talia, now that I have some time I will be able to check in on you. I like the 3 good things/day thing. I know I should be doing some writing about all this to help get through it.

Oh, and what do you mean it isn't ALL about me?? Darn, I thought it was.

And--I succeeded in sending X the formal note: my lawyer is drafting such and so, closing in May, etc. Sent it without crying. No reply yet.

I would very much like to send X a "heart note" to follow the legal note. I just want to say: I'm sorry things ended up like this. Never in my worst nightmares did I imagine this could happen. I hope that someday you will give me the peace and grace of being able to tell you this. I hope you are well."

My therapist said I could say anything I want to to him. What's the point of doing all this therapy about emotions if I then don't express those darn emotions??!

I would let go of any outcomes or expectations. I would be sharing what I felt with X, which lack thereof was a big problem in our R.

So, LFA, thanks so much for your righteous anger for me, but xMIL was just being...herself.

Thanks again, guys. I will be able to read/post more the next few days.

xxoxoxox

[4luv]

aver,

just wanted to quickly comment in regards to sending your X a note saying "I'm sorry things ended up like this. Never in my worst nightmares did I imagine this could happen. I hope that someday you will give me the peace and grace of being able to tell you this. I hope you are well."

You don't need to apologize to him and most importantly, your EX cannot give you peace or grace. These are things that you give yourself and if you are religious that you can get from God. Either way, God grants peace and grace within you through the holy spirit which abides within you. If you are not into religion like that, you still can seek and obtain peace and grace by focusing on you, being good to yourself, and being good to others.

[avermont]

Hey 4luv-

I knew someone would point out that grace comes from within, or from God, however you believe, so thank you.

I do want to apologize for my part in the failure of the R. I know I am looking for the closure I may never get.

But aren't I going thru all this in order to learn to feel and express those feelings? (appropriately, of course!)

[LookingFrAnswers]

((((Aver)))),
I was pretty cranky when I wrote that post! Sleep deprivation, it's not pretty! I understand now, apologies to MIL, please disregard my rantings.

Well, OK maybe now you got some of that out of your system now? Please listen to the wise souls on here telling you to never compare yourself to OW. It's hard for me too to keep focus on myself (as you know after reading my thread :))

You sound a little better, and I like Talia's idea too about listing 3 (at least!) good things a day.

Kudos and congrats for sending that email to X, not easy I know. I don't know how to advise on the heartfelt email, as you know I need a lot of guidance on my correspondence but I might just take the 3rd sentence out.

I understand wanting to end on a good note. I have wrestled with this too. And I know you're don't have any expectations from it.

But I don't see him as having the power to give you peace. I understand where it's coming from but I believe someday you will have that peace no matter what happens w X.

Thanks for stopping by my thread & all your support. I can't tell you how much it helps! ((((hugs)))))

[LookingFrAnswers]

Just want to add, I agree you shouldn't apologize to X, but if you really want to say it I think it's OK to say you're sorry things ended like this. Or that things couldn't be different, etc. That isn't apologizing to him IMHO. You're sorry the R is over, but not accepting or giving blame. Just my 2 cents.