WAW/MLC/Runner

[Jasmine]

OP, Mach, and Cat,
Thank you for your posts, the kind words and the links to archives. I've been doing my damnedest to read everything and absorb everything as fast as possible.

I am a tad confused on reading some other people's stories. They want their WAS to come back and work on things and to live under the same roof. Isn't that what I should do? I know I am trying to find myself but I also want to save my my marriage. Shouldn't I be doing this work under the "marital home"?

Maybe some answers to what was asked of me above and definitely some more journaling:

I am angry about the fact as to where did I go as a person? What happened to the independent, strong willed, ambitious woman that I was when I met my H?

H had a goal and life and already knew what he wanted for himself career wise. The agreement was build his business first. Get him successful and then to work on my career. Throughout the years, we both became comfortable in the daily grind and we traveled a lot, where I should have been going to school. He started to become more and more successful and I felt I was being left behind. He brought home the big checks, where my paychecks were hobby money. H became more successful and needed me to be the bookkeeper not to mention it was tough for me to hang onto my personal clients while we traveled so much.

H became the sole money maker and THAT’S where I surrendered myself esteem and my self worth. Money is control and I allowed myself to be controlled by the money that was coming into the marriage. A spiraling depression set in where I was also suicidal. That is also where I believe he felt H had to take control of me as well and I THANK him for that.

While in the EA with the OM, he was boosting my ego and my self esteem. My driving force to pick up and leave. Imagine that. At that point again, I was spiraling into another depression and was looking to check into a depression facility. Depression facility or leave the situation that was bringing me to this breaking point?

What is killing me the most right now is being dark when I feel I shouldn’t be. I have never told H the why’s to my behavior. I just recall him so upset and distraught when I left the last time. All he wanted to do was talk. I would hear NONE of it. Some words that he uttered to me as I was leaving that probably had the shift in the fog were, “You need to stay and work on this. You will do the same thing in another relationship and you will keep doing it till you work this out.” WTF did that come? Was he really trying to work on himself?

H text me yesterday and asked If I have heard from the mediator. I had not. Last we left it, she was to type up the judgment. I am to have an attorney look it over and then we sign the papers. His text was, “I want to get this over with as soon as possible.”

Facebook incident Monday: I had H blocked from my wall because I was sharing pics of where I was currently and what I was doing. No pics of the OM but I didn’t want to hurt H any more than I have. I ended up cleaning up my FB, weeding out everyone but family and a couple of good hearted friends. I had a lot of the bad seeds blocked and thought why block just unfriend. I ended up unblocking H. That same day, he is never on FB, he changed his marital status to single and looking for women. That just threw the dagger into my heart. STILL I am NC with him and it effing hurts!

There is no handbook on marriage and the trials and tribulations. I married for life I don’t know who this person is that is my skin. Where did this person come from? The whirlwind has just been so messed up. I never looked at other men and never wanted to be with any one else. MESSED UP.

Currently, I have a NASTY inner ear infection and I have an appointment with an IC next week. The inner battle I am having is taking its toll. I am still waiting on some $$ that I had as a deposit on my last rental to move back to CA. I need first and last month’s rent and some small move in costs.

I SO want to break NC and call H for a date or just to talk to him and to talk this out.