I posted this on the newcomer's forum, but thought I would also post it here. Hope that is ok. I just believe my problem is mostly a MLC.
Here is my story. I've been married for 32 years. We have 3 adult children...identical twin boys and a daughter. My d lives with me. The boys had their own place, moved back home a yr. ago and just recently moved out again. I have been unemployed since last June and currently am on unemployment.
My husband and I met at a Christian college. We met in Nov., started dating in Feb. '77 and got married in Sept. '77. Neither one of us graduated; we figured we would do that later. He was very attentive to me; very romantic. I had a miscarriage in July '78. H joined the Army in Dec. '78. I found out in Jan. '79 I was pregnant again. In March '78, I was hospitalized with placenta previa. He came home on emergency leave. He saw me in the hospital and then that night met a woman he had gone to business college with for sex. I didn't find this out until Aug. '79. Our boys were born in Aug.'79, I found out about this affair and we went for counseling. It seemed to work and we spent 2 years in Izmir, Turkey and later 3 yrs. in Fort Huachuca, Arizona. My d was born while we were in Turkey; I had to go to Germany for that. While in Turkey, h loved his job and everyone loved him. In Arizona, the opposite happened. He started a "friendship" with another woman soldier. I don't believe there was ever any sex.
He got out of the Army in March '84 and we moved back to Ohio. I was a stay at home mom all this time. After we lived in my hometown for a year and not really finding jobs to support our family, we moved to his hometown across the state. I went to work part time and h eventually found a good job that he loved. We were there 10 yrs. until he was downsized. I felt this was a great time to move back home, so we did. H found a good paying job and we had a house built for us in a new subdivision. I had different jobs during this time. Kids went to college and then my husband's job went through a period of time with no overtime. I was laid off at this time, too. This resulted in us filing for chapter 13. It took us 4 yrs. to pay everything off.
Two years ago I noticed my husband going through some changes. He was having memory problems, became much more irritable & distant to me. Sex was a once a year thing, which was something else he was having trouble with. I suggested he go see the doctor to see if there was something that could help him. He came home from the doc saying doc told him he was just tired. I suspected the doctor said more than that, but I accepted it.
In July '08 I read in the newspaper that my house was up for auction. I had been let go of my job in May '08, so I thought perhaps that might have been the problem. No, I found out that my h had stopped paying the mortgage in Sept.'07 and never said a word to me. I took my 403B money (little over 4,000 bucks) and saved the house. We got a loan modification. I was supportive of h during this time, but noticed him getting more and more distant. And a blank look on his face most of the time.
Then last year around Feb. he started using his cell phone more often. And when I would walk into the room when he was on the computer, he would close the page and turn around and look at me. I laughed and told him he looked like a child who had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar! He just brushed it off. Over the months he started getting cell phone calls at home. I told him I thought this was strange since he never used to even use the thing! He told me it was just people from work. He would come home from work, and then grab the newspaper and head for the bathroom. I noticed his time in there was increasing and he tried to tell me he was just having stomach trouble. LOL! I later learned he was talking and texting to a woman he used to work with.
At the end of May, our boys moved back home for a little while to help them out financially. In June, I was fired on my 90th day of work after I was sick for a week. Up until this time my h had said to me every day when he came home from work "Have I told you today that I love you?" He would say it other times too and I always thought this was the sweetest thing. After I lost my job in June, he stopped saying it. His cell phone calls started coming more often. He started getting more brazen and would talk in front of me, although I thought the conversations were cryptic. One night at the end of Oct. '09 I told him he must think I'm stupid. I asked him again to go to marriage counseling with me. I asked him again to see the doc. He dismissed me. He bought me roses for our anniversary and bought me a rose for Sweetest Day. Every day he would kiss me, hug me, and tell me he loved me. One night he actually kissed me long and hard and I teased and said I need more of those! He said he would see what he could do in the future. Then on Friday, Nov. 6th I was awakened by pounding at my door by the local police and a deputy sheriff. I had been sick with a sinus infection during this time and was pretty drugged out on meds. I went to change my clothes, then looked out the window to see if they were still there. I saw my h pull into the driveway with a U-Haul. I went downstairs and the police told me they were there with divorce papers. Talk about being blindsided! I even told the cops that he kissed me goodbye that morning. They looked like they were embarrassed.
Since Nov., he has come to our house for Christmas, but only spent a couple of hours here. He took me out for New Year's Eve and took me out to dinner 4 or 5 times. All this time we talked about possible legal separation while he "got his head on straight." His words, not mine. He would text me back and forth and some of those got ugly. I realize now that I did everything you are not supposed to do. I started reading everything I could get my hands on about midlife crisis. I went to the doc and was put on meds for depression. I started seeing a therapist. I lent my h some of the books, and what surprised me was the one book he loved and read twice (and still has) was a book on marriage.
In the last couple of weeks we have gone through the division of property and the scheduling of the trial. His attorney is a jerk. (putting it mildly) He plans on slandering me by saying I was a horrible employee and lost my jobs due to my own fault. My h knows this is not true, but apparently told his attorney that. I copied months worth of cell phone calls and texts and gave that to my attorney. He swears the one woman is only a friend and the other 3 or 4 women are also friends. I found his page on "Tagged" and read his comments to and from these women. To say they are lewd and suggestive is again putting it mildly! I was disgusted reading them. All of a sudden h wants to buy a motorcycle. I think because one of these women owns one. The other thing I noticed which I find very disturbing is the pattern I noticed with all the women he has been "friends" with and the one woman he had an affair with. They are all loud mouthed brassy blondes just like his mother!
At the court scheduling his attorney asked for a full day for trial. The judge only had one day available....Nov. 9th! I was ecstatic because this gives us more time! However, since that day, h has been extremely hateful and said horrible things to me. He wants nothing to do with me, says he never wants to see me again or talk to me. He has not spoken to our daughter since he left in Nov. I believe that's because he knows she will yell at him. His family supports him totally and have written all of us off. The only family members of his that support us are his one brother and wife, who are Christians.
I know that h fits the WAS and also MLC. I realize MLC can last a long time, but I think he's been in it for a few yrs. already. Just not sure what stage he is in. He is very depressed. He says things that I think go back to his early childhood. His real father beat him and his mother. She & h escaped in the middle of the night. I think that is where he learned that running was ok.
I am devastated and finding it hard to get myself in shape. My self-esteem is in the crapper, but I know I have to find a job. I understand MLC, but find it hard to believe a Christian can just walk away from a wife of over 32 yrs. when he does not even believe in divorce himself. He acts like he's been taken over by aliens, which I also know is MLC.
Oh! I forgot one important thing he did. He moved ow's son and girlfriend into his apt. last Nov. Her son was a felon and h said he was trying to be a mentor. He finally kicked them out at the end of Jan. Admitted to me it was a mistake. Said he hardly talks to ow now. However, he borrowed her truck to move his stuff out of the house last week. Ha! He told me last week he is seeking a divorce because he is tired of my abuse (whatever that is) and there isn't any other women in his life but friendships. He also said he does not sleep or eat well and admitted he is depressed. He has no TV and just sits in his quiet apt. either reading or staring at the bare walls.
I am extremely worried about him, but realize I have to stay away and leave him alone. This is the hardest thing in the world since I am a fixer....like most women!
Sorry this was so long and my future posts won't be like this, I promise. I appreciate anything and everything you all can advise me on. I am more curious about what stage he is in right now. I love him and want him back. I have forgiven him of everything and I no longer have the anger I once had. I know that God can give us a better marriage than we have ever had, if h would only give it a chance.
Sorry, didn't mean to offend anyone who is blonde! The loud mouthed brassy part was mainly a reference to my mother-in-law!!
Thanks for your reply. Yes, I know I come to this unclean. You can't be married for over 32 years and not have done a lot wrong. God is showing me daily how/what I need to clean up in my life. Most of the major things I have been busy fixing/changing about myself. And my h knows about all of that. Of course, his response was too little, too late.
The hardest thing for me to accept is that he planned all of this while I was asking him to go to marriage counseling. He never said a word to me, he just did it all behind my back and then dropped the big bomb by the way he had the papers served. However, I realize 2 things now from that. The 1st one is that I would have never put any blame on myself at all if I hadn't been shaken to the core. That bomb drop did that. And the 2nd thing is that this has always been a pattern with my h. He has always been afraid to tell me things. Whenever I would ask him why, his answer was that he was afraid I would yell at him. I've always wondered what happened to him in his childhood that he seemed scarred and actually scared to death by this.
I welcome everyone's thoughts and advice! I need help from all of those who have gone before me.
My husband as well planned everything behind my back all the while he kept telling me "I DONT KNOW" everytime I would ask him what he was going to do.... I have been going thru this since 06/07 Things have gotten better, time really does heal all wounds with God's help....lots of smart people in here.....some will hit you with 2x4's not because they want to make you hurt, they just want you to grow and learn. I pray that God will give you strength and wisdom and give you direction for your life and to grow along side him as well. Sorry to find you here but you will get lots of help. I mostly read alot in here and try to learn and I look at newbies and think back when I was one as well . It was so hard at first, I was like looking for a magic pill to fix everything wrong in my life, my husband, my marriage but there is nothing but just wishful thinking. I was desperatley looking for the right things to say to make him come back home, looking to see what the LBS had to to win their husbands/wives back but there is nothing as long as you have hope you will make it As they say KNOWLEDGE IS POWER Good luck to you and my prayers are with you
Hi CK, The thing that will help you the most is to do what you probably haven't done in awhile...focus on YOU and not HIM. In a way, its the hardest thing to do, but it is your salvation.
You cannot help your husband-he has demons to deal with on his own. Only once he has one through this journey, on his own, will there be the possibility of him returning. Possibility.
You have a journey to go on, as well....taking care of yourself, as you have shown time and again that you are very capable of doing. Becoming the person you want to be. If you are a "fixer", its time to "fix" yourself, strengthen your weaknesses, discover what pleases YOU!
The bomb throws us all. It blindsides us all. But to thrive, you must get past the 'wrongness' of it all, pick yourself up and look forward and ultimately, move forward. The past is the past. All we have is now. Make it the best "NOW" that you can!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Welcome to this board, Sorry you are here but you will mmeet some wonderful people here and get some great advice. Have you read the resources? I would start with the detach link. It does sound like you H and you are going through a crisis. We all have been there.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Might not want to pissoff our very own loud mouth brassy blondes around here. : )
Loud mouth brassy blonde here…
Bonehead…
Have a Happy Easter.:)
Seriously, we don’t bite…
Jack is right.
On a lot of levels.
Your H, sounds like he has been confused for a long time.
He established early on that his fidelity is questionable but I must applaud you for staying with him and trying to forgive.
One thing I want to touch on and that is your H’s comments about you yelling at him…
That can stem from two things, either you were/are a yeller…
Or yes he was traumatized by his childhood of abuse. You mentioned they ran from a physically abusive father (which BTW IMO is NOT a bad thing). I can guarantee you, those beatings were NOT delivered with silence.
I am going to bet it is probably a combination of both.
I can tell you that abuse, memories of it, stay with you and affect you, forever....
Also, and please forgive me if I offend, you are Christian. Faith is a wonderful thing and a strong faith will get you through a lot of this.
However, being Christian, Hindu, Muslim, Jewish, …in MLC it doesn’t really matter. Their faith is lost during this time.
You are trying to hold your H to a standard that isn’t even possible right now. Most people who go through a crisis lose whatever faith they had in God for a time being.
You H has done a ton of things that are questionable in the moral sense, but if you can’t get past that judgement in your mind, you will never be able to fully forgive him.
On any level none of the behavior in MLC is right, but it happens.
We LBS do have our roles to play in it…often more than we think…
There are no guarantees here…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Not sure if you, cat04 were calling me a bonehead, but I'll let that pass. Again that reference was to my mother-in-law, but I digress.
No, I do not blame my mil for running in the middle of the night. I just wish she had done it sooner! However, this does show me that even when a person does what is best at the time, it does have lasting consequences on children.
Yes, I have been a yeller, but since the bomb drop have learned to change that. My husband and I both came from families that yelled. So, yes, I accept my blame for what I possibly did to him, but I also think his childhood did some horrible damage to him.
Thank you for your comments on being a Christian. I guess I never really even thought about it that way, that someone in MLC can not be held to even the standards and beliefs they once held before the crisis. And, since you said that, I do remember him telling me he can't hear from God right now. That he is reading his Bible and is still confused. I never put 2 and 2 together that this was MLC talking.
And, as an LBS I have made some horrible mistakes. I have read almost all of the threads in resources and can't believe that even though I knew it was wrong, I still found myself pursuing him, asking to see him, etc. It wasn't until last week that I finally got it through my head to leave him alone! And, I have no idea if I have done permanent damage and pushed him away for good. I pray not. I don't think so, since he still seems to find a reason to contact me....usually about fixing things in the house.
And, yes I know there are no guarantees here. And I find that incredibly sad for all of us.
You will however grow IF you invest time in yourself, and there is nothing sad about that. Everyone here who did this regardless of where their spouse is right now, doesn't regret what happened.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I want to say thank you for your reply and all the information you have left me. I read about your situation and my heart breaks for you. You have a lot on your plate to deal with. I hope it is getting better for you. It seems like you have been dealing with this a long time before you found this forum.
Again, just wanted to say thank you. Actually, when I was lurking for a long time, you are one of the people I looked to for common sense advice. And I know there are other lurkers out there who are probably doing the same thing. You are a blessing!
