No longer sitting on the fence

[flowmom]

(((Mo3)))

Kalni, that's a great post. Thank you.

Why are we doing this? I'm pretty sure my WAS is done. I'm DBing 1. for myself 2. to establish a good coparenting R and 3. if by some tiny chance there is hope for our M, I have left the door open for that as part of my commitment to my M and to our life as a family.

[CityGirl]

Exactly. It's odd that it is constantly glossed over that when I state things such as "IMO MOST WAS's are done when they say they are done" it is just that... MY OPINION.

I have been in a "real life" divorce support group for two years and was very active in another "divorce busting" forum prior to this. I have been doing this since early 2008 and I have learned so much about behavior patterns, scripts and the psychology of both a WAS and LBS (we all have learned this!).

Not all WAS are totally done. Not all is hopeless but the odds are not high. That is a fact. It is a sucky fact but a fact.

Fighting for your (generally speaking) spouse and family is a fantastic, wonderful, brave and amazing thing to do. Most of us have done it for as long as we could emotionally or legally. Don't quit but be realistic. It's not easy to find that balance but someday we ALL will.

[Kalni]

I agree Citygirl, 100%. And I dont like glossing things over either. It's just that, if we all believe the stats, that odds are against us, then we should all pack up and leave this forum.

Realistic, smart to realise when the war is lost and knowing when it is a battle we lost or the war. I could have been divorced 2 years now if it wasnt for my belief things could change and for this forum. There were a number of times I felt I was a tiny step away from the end.I could have easily made different choices and would have been over at surviving by now, planning a life ahead without my H. Have you ever watched "slidding doors"? Such a great movie about how moments can change our future. There isnt ONE way ahead, we have to daily decide between crossroads. I figured, for me, it works best when I stop and think of how things will play out following each choice.

[CityGirl]

I don't think anybody should go by stats when making life choices and fighting for what they want and believe in. Even if we only followed stats, well, that doesn't mean we can't "beat" the stats. I simply am saying to be realistic and focus on you (generally speaking) because nobody can control what another person learns, thinks, feels or wants.

We all learn from each other's situations and that is a good thing. But reading situation after situation for two plus years you sort of see patterns that are not unique. The unfortunate aspect of that is the LBS in the pattern doesn't see what is "real" until much later. It's a wonderful yet terrible lesson to have to learn.

I wish everybody that wanted to save & rebuild their marriage could but that is not a realistic wish. Heck, I wish I could have saved and rebuilt my marriage but eventually my H had to desire that as well and the lure of the OW has remained two strong for too long. Of course, there are other strong factors such as guilt and pride that often dictate life choices when they shouldn't.

[motherof3]

Ken & R2C - Thanks for the support.

Bad days come and go. Tomorrow will be better.

[motherof3]

I am the one that say IMO when a WAS says they are done most of the time they are done.

What I didn't say the work the LBS does is a lost cause. If you come out better than your life will be okay. Life might not be what you thought it would be you will be okay. And being okay is the first step in rebuilding a great life for YOU no matter what the WAS does.

CG - Don't get me wrong. I don't disagree with you in that odds are my M is over. I have read your advice all over this board and tend to agree with you the majority of the time and value your input.

In this case I agree with what you are saying 100%. The truth does hurt. It just wasn't what I wanted to hear at the time.

And yes, just because my M is over doesn't mean I have walked away from this sitch without learning a thing or two about myself. It is just too bad that it took this kind of wake up call.

[motherof3]

There are no quick fixes. Getting the R back on track is a long term goal. We set the WAS free, work on ourselves so we are not co-dependent and become happy WITHOUT them (or anyone else). We don't let other peoples stories of success of failure affect our path. We learn from others what character traits we want to change in ourselves and then do it.

Some days I am better at setting H free (in my mind and emotionally) than others. And yes this is going to be a long process. It takes time time. I have time, but I am certainly not going to sit around idle and wait.

[CityGirl]

I agree one million times over the lessons we learn are amazing but so very, very painful. I think we all can relate!

I am sorry a post I made, made you feel more hurt today. I understand how tough it can be. It is still tough for me from time to time.

[motherof3]

Kalni - There is no need to introduce yourself. I have been a silent lurker on you thread for quite some time now. Thanks for your input. I am glad that you have been dealt a second chance. I am cheering you on from the sidelines.

FM - Right now, co-parenting affectively is my #1 goal. Each day I get better at tearing down the 'awkwardness' wall that has been built up between H and myself. One brick at a time. After all, H and I will have a life time of seeing each other, like it or not.

Don't quit but be realistic. It's not easy to find that balance but someday we ALL will.

This is great! I like this. ^^^^

I am sorry a post I made, made you feel more hurt today. I understand how tough it can be. It is still tough for me from time to time.

CG - Don't be sorry. You don't have anything to apologize for. A sitch like this comes in a complete package: the good, the bad, and the ugly. It is easy to face the good things, hard to face the bad things, and even harder to face the ugly. Unfortunately, you can't have one without the others.