Good thinking Mila...that is what I am thinking too!
Slept good last night!...little nervous wondering how H is going to handle this truck thing! Talked a little with the kids last night. They are feeling "ditched" by H. Told them that he loves them. They asked a lot of quesitons that only H can answer. Told them that they need to talk to him. Told them again that I want us to stay together as a family and that I still love their Dad very much, but that it is possible that he may not come home. Makes me even more angry at H for putting me in this impossible position! I just know that he is going to make me to the "dirty work" and be the one to have to tell kids and family about the D. Coward!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Well, you set the boundary, he crossed it..and so the consquences are served up to him.
Doesn't matter if he gets mad or not, separate the behavior from the person, and let the chips fall where they may.
I was once like you, people's opinions mattered to me...I'm not a "bad" person because people's opinions of me no longer matter, I will do as I need to when I need to do it because it is affecting MY life, not someone else's....but you have to understand people are going to form their opinions regardless of what you do or say...and not everyone is going to think the same way you do.
Simply put, they do NOT have to live your life, YOU DO.
Confrontation itself, is not an easy thing, but has to be done, sometimes, so you will have more of a peace of mind about yourself.
Otherwise, if you keep allowing people to dictate to you, and manipulating you into buying into THEIR version of how things are done, you'll feel resentful and angry..and that's NO good.
People will generally have to get glad in the SAME britches they got mad in...or not.
Speaking of boundaries, have you ever noticed a small surge of anger that comes up when someone does something that you don't like them to do to you?
There's a reason it is there..warning you to protect yourself, emotionally or otherwise.
The reason boundaries won't work for MLC is this: the MLC'er is so far within the tunnel they simply IGNORE anything that would "tell them what to do." Yet, they are shocked when the consequence threatened is carried out, often turning on the LBS, and trying to make him/her feel guilty for drawing the line, and trying to get them to back down or away so the bad behavior can continue. Never mind the behavior that is called to the carpet is WRONG. Similar to an adolescent that is testing the waters of independence, they react the SAME way as toward a parent/guardian...it is all construed as 'control' and they run farther away from what they perceive as an authority figure.
Sadly, it's usually the LBS they are running from, having perceived them as "mother" "father".
Consequences will get them in the end; it's a fact of nature..and you won't have anything to do with that.
All you can do is what you know is best for you, and continue to leave them twising in the wind, riding the rollercoaster, or whatever they are doing that's hurting themselves.
Again, don't let it suck you in...you'll get badly hurt.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Thanks HB! If boundaries don't work for MLC, why are we encouraged to set them? Is it for me? I am truly done trying to "fix" him!!! As much as it kills me, I know that there is not a dang thing I can do to help him. It is all about me and the kids now! My co-worker/friend mentioned to watch out that H may try to "reason" with me knowing what a soft heart I have and what a pushover I have been and try to sweet talk me into letting him keep the truck when I mentioned to her about H probably going to be po'd about bringing the truck home. I will have to stand firm...
I think I am fully ready to handle it either way...although...funny story...the dogs were outside this morning and heard them barking...looked out the window and saw tails a waggin' and my heart jumped and stomach lurched thinking that H was here and around the corner came an older lady and a younger one helping her and then worried about the dogs knocking the older one down and then realized that they were of a certain religion coming to spread the word!!!! Anyway, the point is I thought I was going to be sick when I thought it was H...
He can be as mad as he wants to be I think the worst has already happened as far as, he has already left.
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
If boundaries don't work for MLC, why are we encouraged to set them? Is it for me?
You got it..boundaries are for YOU, not them....there are certain times when boundaries are necessary; especially in the case of OW/OM, and exposure to your children. Like a child who pushes the limits, limits in that case do need to be set.
If your husband decides to go on with OW, because you set a limit in that area, his loss, not yours.
Just as he is being the opposite of his natural self, so are you.
Hope this helps.
If he'd kept her away from your house and respected your boundary, that was one thing..but if you allow him to get away with it once, he'll do it again.
This is one time that his behavior was/is not acceptable, and you'd stated clearly you did NOT want him to bring her there to your house..and he violated that rule; not keeping his crap away from you.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Hi Tom...I am glad it made you smile too! It is a start!
H informed me today he is in between residencs...the one is was in is for sale. Don't care where he is staying. He said "WE are going to go look at a house in the morning". The good vibes kinda flat lined after that. My SIL was here and the kids were in the room. No one said anything about the "we" It just amazes me the lack of emotion he seems to have for the death of our marraige. In fact, the whole time he was here, the only emotion he showed was irritation, not towards us, but all the other things that are happening with our rental house etc. I left the room and went upstairs and it wasn't long and followed me (scared to be alone with his sister I'm sure!). He comented on how nice the paint looked etc.
I asked him about talking to the kids as they are asking questions and he said he'd talk to them today. I menitoned that I felt it would be better if we talked to them together. He agreed and then said something else and I couldn't help it I said that he didn't have to act so happy to be divorcing me...of course he said he wasn't, that it was hard...blah blah blah!!! I am assuming he has not heard that I counter-filed papers...didn't say a word about the truck.
H and the kids went to see a movie and I started to paint. Cried, talked to God etc...feeling better now.
Everyone have a good Easter weekend!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Sounds like many of us are having a bit of an emotional long weekend.
Do your kids not know about you guys separating, or about their looking for a house? Well, I wonder if your H was (is?) still waffling? My H couldn't wait to tell the kids when he left, was almost manic about it. Then he told every single family member and friend. Went out for drinks to celebrate, with everyone that would listen. Was awful (for me)!! Well, at least you have some distance before talking to the kids. I never told them I agreed with what H was saying, though the parenting books said you should give a united front. I DIDN'T AGREE, and I never wanted my kids to think I did!
Sorry to hear about the conversation. Glad to hear you were painting though. Isn't it amazing how a good cry, believe it or not, can really alleviate the frustration sometimes? Glad you are feeling better now.
CW, your H isn't getting many parenting points from me today. Sorry you had to hear that in that context. It can be hard enough to keep it together when separated, without having to process new information. hugs to you.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
