I checked the names. I know or have done work for a lot of the people on the list. I didn't see an associate director listed. Some of the people work in my building. The new building is going up across the street. Very big and very cool. I'd like to get new digs over there.
In your sitch was the H still living with you for that year or was he out of the house?
He was in the house from February until July...I went to work one day and he had packed up and left while I was gone...No note, nothing...Sent me a text about 7 hours later letting me know he wasn't coming back...He hasn't been back since.
Again - His loss.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
W did not appear surprised. Did not ask why, did not get upset, but I could tell she was on the verge of tears and held her composure. But then lately she is always crying when we get together and apologizes for it. She says she doesn't know why she is crying.
My gut tells me there are only two options of what is going on. Option 1: She is still seeing OM and is deep in a fog for nobody knows how long. Probably permanently. Option 2: OM didn't work out and she won't allow herself to come back. She will just continue to punish herself for it.
Neither option has her coming back. I could improve myself to be the coolest guy in town, I don't think she will fight for the M. She would rather just burn it to the ground. I would love to know what she is thinking, but I think to her, the marriage is now tainted. If it is not all puppies and rainbows, then better to just end it.
Any thoughts? Did I leave out an option?
--Fergie
Of course she didn't seem surprised, she put on the fake face, just like you were when you were going through the script, remember? Be awesome, act as if life is great, super, be happy, upbeat. Even though on the inside you don't want any of this to happen, you still did it, you act as if this was the best thing to do and guess what, no argument. She didn't argue with you, she agreed with you because you agreed with her. Did you see that, you were agreeing with her feelings, she had nothing to fight against, how could she, you agreed with her. If you had argued and said "stop this nonsense and come home and lets work on this!", she would have argued, you would have been against her feelings.
Agree with them. They're following their feelings, even if their feelings are wrong, just agree with them, even if you have to bite down hard on your tongue and leave a permanent wound, LOL just agree with them.
"Hey husband, I'm flying to the moon, I made these wings, what do you think about my plan? I think it will work"
"Hey wife, I agree with you, you should try it out!"
Totally stupid right? But think about it. If you had replied back that's a dumb horrible idea, you would not be agreeing with them, you would be against them and more importantly against their feelings and we know that her emotions are running the show, not logic. So how do you get back with this person? You agree with them, "this is all for the best, I agree with you wife, I want you to be happy, and I'm helping you move on and you know what I'll be happy too, no hard feelings, k?"
She can't argue with you, you've agreed with her, you only argue with people that don't agree with you.
So getting back to appearances, you put on the happy face when you talked to her and she did the same thing. You didn't expect her to come running back to you right then & there, that's not realistic, I told you before, follow reality, reality doesn't lie, she wants to go, agree with her, "you're right, you should go." She expects an argument, she expects you to disagree but you didn't do either of these things and guess what? You threw her off balance. This is too easy, I expected a struggle, I expected an argument and he's ok with this, I don't understand? Why isn't he crying and depressed and sad and angry? Why is he happy? Why is he agreeing with me? He never agreed before? I don't get it, I was expecting that he would fight with me and argue with me to stay.
She put on her game face too but not as successful as you I would gather considering you think she was on the verge of tears.
As for your gut....
Quote:
My gut tells me there are only two options of what is going on. Option 1: She is still seeing OM and is deep in a fog for nobody knows how long. Probably permanently. Option 2: OM didn't work out and she won't allow herself to come back. She will just continue to punish herself for it.
I agree that she is still seeing the OM and yeah she's in a fog. Don't assume permanently, nothing is permanent, you thought you would be married forever, and now you're not so sure anymore, neither is she. If the OM didn't work out and I would probably assume that option more, it's a good thing. Her feelings are hurt, you are moving on, she is now thinking in her head, "have I made a mistake?", let her deal with those thoughts, don't help her with them, its good for her to question her ideas and feelings, she thought this was going to be a ride in the park and now it's not. You're moving on, you're changing the house around, getting ready for the single life, you packed her things, offered to help her load them into a truck and this is going very fast, too fast in her mind.
Let her deal with her thoughts. No pursuing. No phone calls, texts, emails, etc. You can reply but when you reply, take your time, you don't need to rush and reply back the very minute she contacts you. Let the call go to voicemail, reply back in an hour. Let the email sit in the inbox, reply back in an hour or two. Let the text sit on your phone, reply back 30-60 min. later, "sorry I was busy, out with a friend, didn't have time to reply back, what's up?"
All of this gives her the impression that you're moving on, you've accepted this, you don't want this anymore either, what you had wasn't that great, you have high standards, if she isn't going to love you and make a relationship easier than it isn't worth your time anymore. If she cares, she'll show it, she'll pursue you, in fact she has to pursue you, if you pursue her, she'll just run away, she needs to pursue you, she needs to feel like she has to chase you, if there is no effort on her part, it won't be worth it to her.
You could improve yourself to be the "coolest guy" in town but that's not for her, you're doing that for you. Part of you getting ready for casual social interactions with other women (ie. dating).
Don't assume what she thinks in her head, you don't have a clue, and playing that game will leave you exhausted and wrong every time. Let her deal with her ideas and thoughts, you deal with living a great life.
robx, another great post that I needed to see! Thanks for that!
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
I'm not even close to the best, there's literally a TON of better contributors on this site, I just saw a guy in need (YOU) and provided my 2 cents based on what I've learned, trust me it takes a while to get to my low level of proficiency, I'm nowhere near "PRO" level yet. But I make up for my shortcomings with my willingness to accept new ideas, my smart ass attitude and half decent writing style ;-)
Rob is one of the best so don't let him steer you from thinking different...
IMO he was so good, I avoided him because he scared me...His advice was so "in your face" and when I first saw him on here, I would avoid him like the plague...
I am just now beginning to talk to him because I aspire to be like a female Rob
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Hey. I started reading your thread. Very interesting. Much more lively than my sitch. I think for so many people having kids in the M makes the sitch that much more sticky. Makes my problems look boring.
