You wife is not of lesser intelligence. Maybe she has less book smarts but I bet her IQ would test close to yours.
Well...except on verbal scores...I rank pretty high. I had that part tested. Thank God ADHD has led to something good for my wife and I!
I also think if language was out of the way & cultural miscommunications, she'd seem much smarter than I meanly (and arrogantly) judge. Like you hinted, I am sure that in non-IQ tests she'd do just fine on intellegence. You should see the girl make breads that would make a French pastry chef surprised!
See the problem is you want HER to forgive you and love you and accept you and your problems but you are unable to do the same for her.
You have painted your wife out to be some sort of hideous troll unfit to be seen in society and too stupid to function. You of course are not under any obligation to disclose anything on a public forum but for months and months you FAILED to mention a MAJOR part of your attraction/sexual issues with your wife is due to YOUR porn addiction.
Did you ever stop to think your W makes NO effort with you and visually pleasing you because she has just had enough of you? You continue to harp on how unattractive she is and you gawk at other women and make nasty comments to her. Maybe she is just done trying in the looks/sex department because really, it doesn't like anything will meet your standards. And your standards are nothing more than a full fledged fantasy.
In my opinion it sounds like you think you are smarter and better than your W in every way. Rethink that because it just oozes from your posts and it is a major, major turnoff.
OK, skimming quickly- you need to read She comes first by Kerner ASAP. Women are absolutely and completely embarrasses to admit- 1. That they might possibly takes care of "things" by themselves 2. What they specifically need in sex Beyond embarrassing! With her different culture, I would only imagine it would be worse for her. OK, embriologically (sp?)speaking the clitoris and penis are the same- the penis continues to grow and the clitoris stops growing. So think of her clit as the penis. Ian Kerner states that foreplay is "coreplay" for women.
I'll be blunt- actual intercourse is like the icing on the cake- The foreplay is everything for women. What you see in porn is all mostly acting. Women do not enjoy- 2 minutes of kissing and then straight to full blown intercourse. Most women only get clitoral orgasms.
So, honestly, you are going to have to educate yourself here and really experiment with her. Make it your mission several nights to put actual intercourse off the table but just massages, exploring and some foreplay. Focus on only her and figure out how she ticks. I am telling you it is the hardest thing on the planet for most women to say "I like this, I like that" that in the bedroom. Sorry.
No you can't ask her to wear nice clothes or improver her appearance now. That has to wait till you do some repair work. If you give her enough positive feedback and reinforcement she may do that on her own. Hold off on that for now.
Yes, she will stonewall your attempts for some time. Expect it. You see she wants you to win her own. She wants you to prove your love and sincerity for her. Expect it for sure.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
No, it is a rare marraige where 100% of the blame lies on one person.
No, I am certain she has done some wrongs and reacted not her best to situations. I sure she has done some grievous things.
She may not yet be "enlightened" (for lack of a better term) as too other ways to communicate and act in a marriage.
Show your new ways and she will follow in the changes also Positive changes bring positive results
I promise that 100%
It will take time, longer than you may want but she will notice your efforts and make mental note of them (quietly, secretly). She will notice, trust me.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
You should see the girl make breads that would make a French pastry chef surprised!
I like the nice words about your wife! Keep it up!
Last edited by june72; 04/01/1007:23 PM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I'll be blunt- actual intercourse is like the icing on the cake
Continuing directly ...so if she's screaming (honestly, that is!), doesn't that mean she's "done"? I'm doing the foreplay and I think it's well received - 5+ minutes, but, , is there a way to know if there is something else good that just happened without asking her? I've been experimenting, but she's the one running to the intercourse part almost everyday. If I'm really too wiped and suggesting just touching, she feels offened. I think part of that is the fear that if she doesn't do it well enough I'll find myself on porn again, but she's said that she needs more.
OK, had a screaming 3 yaer old and babysitting... will have to respond later
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
OK, well is she is screaming and is wet. I guess that is a good indicator that things are going well. Unless she is a good faker? I think most women like the more the better. And they hate to be rushed.
Are you telling her that you think she is good in bed? Are you telling her positive things? Reassuring her?
I have read that women have a serotonin release during the big O that causes a woman to bond with her man. Are you holding her afterwords to bond with her? I think men do not have that chemical release only women.
Anyhow, sorry I do not have any more insight here. Eventually when you marriage is in a better spot and she feels more secure with you- I bet then you can experiment more and she may be willing to talk more openly.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
How did this evening go? Did you have some positive interactions today with your wife?
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
My IC appt was first. In it I told her of my problems. Very embarrassed to do it, but I can't see how to deal with current issues if I have an addiction without her knowing.
Some things that came up were: - W will likely be oversensitive for a while. Her self-esteem and depressive cycles will continue. I had told the IC I could handle that for a year, but not forever. IC said likely the problems will last longer than that, and like shyness, some parts of it would last forever.
- Got some treatment ideas to get my problem out of most of my life. IC confirmed that likely the problem will take a long time to solve. More than 6 months.
- That having a threat of D if it continued, or W policing my actions will probably make the problem worse. I need to know if she really has got an open view or ultimatum for the 6th month.
- My acceptance of the miscommunication/langauge/cultural/intellectual connection issues is still not there and may be a road block
______________
So I left the IC. Spend some time thinking, and decided to go get the flowers & chocolates. Got home. She hadn't eaten and it was bedtime for kids. I began setting the table with a candle, the flowers, nice plates and an "artistic" layout...some clean music in the b/ground. Told her it was a replacement to last night. Had a nice dinner. Offered a massage... (:
Overall the night was very nice. Still thinking about what was said at the IC.
...so if she's screaming (honestly, that is!), doesn't that mean she's "done"? I'm doing the foreplay and I think it's well received - 5+ minutes, but,