H4L, my H was an involved father but he'd just drop the ball/lose it because of being tired/angry. A lot of it was simmering rage at me. Now that he can be with the kids without me being around, he can focus on them (I hope!!).
I'm glad to see that you're seeing progress with parenting. It's interesting about the psychic changes. I do believe that intention has very powerful effects. I don't believe that it operates on a supernatural level, I think that we communicate so much non-verbally, including our wishes and expectations. That is why our thoughts and mindset are so critical.
Why is housework a M issue for your H? He doesn't even live there...what's the issue? My H made a comment about a mess once since the separation and I called him on it...Maybe that's something to set a boundary about: "unless you choose to live here with an open heart, this is not your home and you're not entitled to comment on how I keep it".
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I don't know why it's an issue. It was an issue since before he left me. Part of it is that he thinks I didn't hold up my responsibilities as an at home mom - he was working all day so when S is in school I should have been doing more cleaning, less theater. It's reasonable. BUt since he left it's become this weird thing he nitpicks at almost constantly, for months is a rage - and it pushes rejection buttons in me - like "If you want me to even consider coming back here you should get this house more comfortable for me"
Sometimes I think it's a weird acting out of his dad's traditional mentality - women did all the cooking and cleaning and childcare, even when they had jobs outside the home - a way to be dominant.
Othertimes, I think he felt his needs weren't respected so he pushing more for them now. I want to respect his needs in ways I didn't before, but I also don't want to be spoken to in a dominated way.
Other than that, I have no idea. It's a constant criticism that underneath is "proof" to him that i"m untrustworthy, untogether, incapable of being a safe wife, mother, human being. In that way, I feel it's more WAS blather - see how untogether you are? WHy would I want to come home?
I used to spend the entire in terror scrubbing the house in anticipation of him coming home. I refuse to do that now but it's still there - no matter what I do clean, he'll nitpick on the thing I didn't.
H4L, I think this is an area to defuse and not get sucked into.
H4L's H: "this floor is dirty" H4L: <calmly> "yes, it is..." <then silence>
H4L's H: "how do you expect me to relax when this place is a mess" H4L: <calmly> "that's up to you" <then silence>
Don't apologize or excuse housekeeping shortcomings. It sounds like he's using it to pick on you and you can set boundaries in an indirect way by refusing to make it your problem.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I wondered about that, H4L. My mom worked (with lots of take-home work), cooked & preserved everything from scratch, but wasn't too bothered about the state of the house. As a result, I was embarrassed to have friends over, and am still a bit angsty about, "How could you tell them to just come over when I haven't CLEANED yet?"
The issues which are triggered the hardest while person are in crisis are often the ones from childhood, which they "overlay" with the current situation without even noticing. Unfortunately, until they learn to distinguish between past feelings and the current situation, it's impossible for them to change (or appreciate that your house is not actually a mess).
In the meantime, I really like FM's suggestions for not reacting. And why react, when it really is him, not you?
wowCyrena that makes so much sense that a crisis triggers the childhood stuff much more. Thank you.
It also triggers mine - my parents are/were embarassingly one of those that had such a disgusting house nobody could ever come over, really like a junkyard. So I get really anxious too about not being good enough of a housekeeper becaue I never learned to do it and I fear becoming like them.
Wow, thanks for this convo Cyrena and HFL. BF and I just had yet another argument about him inviting people over without telling me. I hate having people over without having the house at least picked up.
My parents' house was / is a disaster. I could never have friends over, nor would I have wanted to. I was super messy too, all through college and afterwards. BF is very neat, grew up in a super clean and neat house. Seeing his parents' house the first time totally freaked me out.
I think part of my issue stems from that and part of it is that since I don't work I think people will judge me if my house isn't spotless all the time. After all, it is my job to clean, right?
Very interesting.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Well I'm giving up folks. H told me he has a girlfriend, he will never trust me again and will never come back to me.
My worse self came out, I called my parents and tried to have them listen to the conversation on the sly, H saw the phone and I was skewered. He said that was the nail on the coffin.
He said he had found proof that I was trying to find a way to get more custody of S and felt lied to.
Yelled at me for two hours, finally started making some progress listening to each other, then back to yelling.
