Are regrets when you end a separation normal?

[TooLateForMe]

When you love someone they are attractive to you.

You seem to be commitment-phobic. I've had this problem. You have an honesty problem, but if I call you a jerk for treating your W the way you do your defenses go up.

Making sure your W feels secure that you find her attractive isn't romantic, it's a necessity if you want your M to work. I learned that the hard way.

Your W may seem a lot more attractive if you haven't seen her face for 2 or 3 mos.

[june72]

Ah, sex takes too long. Yes, I got that answer from my hubby. He was only interested in quickies for him and "never had the time" for my needs. I would occasionally take a stance against this, aside from my usual ranting and crying over it. I would ban giving him sex and he would just turn to porn I later found out during the drought.

I think porn is why real sex is not that enjoyable- it does that to you I think....

[chatterbug]

Each moment spent on porn is a moment less spent on your spouse.

I mean that in all its levels.

[Onthemountaintop]

That's right - screwed up as it might be, it is hard to get past. Now for me, if when I can't take care of her needs it hurts just as much. I need to feel that we are both satisfied. For her, she's done in that avg 10 min window. It is me that takes too long. That signals the lack of attraction problem. I think that is part of the reason attraction is an issue to her.

I've told her that if I want to be with her, that should be be enough. Why isn't it?

[trytryagain]

OTM, you can't just tell her. you need to SHOW her and she needs to feel it and believe it. does your wife know about the porn? i know my H watched it and while it didn't bother me, it didn't feel too good, either. even though we had a very healthy sex life. my feeling was always like, why do you need THAT when you have ME, who is alive and real and right in front of you??

and i agree with whoever said love makes someone attractive to you.

thanks for all your thoughts on my thread!

[Onthemountaintop]

I should add, I don't use it daily. Weekly at most. Now that I've told her, I figure within a month or two I'll be down to much less. I hope in 6 months it will be a rare event and within a couple years, I pray for never again.

Our divorce mediator said she felt W would need to accept that it is like an alcoholic...the addiction once set in for those starting young will never fully go away. I hope she's wrong.

When we were fighting, time spent away wasn't so bad. Now, I can feel the selfishness of it much more.

[CityGirl]

Because actions speak louder than words. You should know that by now.

If your ACTIONS don't back up what you are saying then why bother?

This porn issue adds a totally new element to your situation and now it makes more sense.

Would it be enough for you if your W simply told you she wanted to be with you while sleeping with other men?

You pressure her way too much, you say mean things to her then expect her to accept what you say and then get frustrated when she doesn't. I don't get it.

[june72]

I have never had any issues with porn and still do not. I really never cared if my hubby viewed. He was secretive, though. He was hiding it from me about how much he frequented porn sites. And once in attempt to desperately improve out sex life. I told him let's watch porn together to spice things up.

It was a big horrible upsetting event. B/c my hubby was not interested in me at ALL and would only look at the porn. I would try to engage him and nothing. I then started to say- "I'm noting feeling good about this"- no response for him. "You know my body doesn't look anything like it used to anymore, not like those girls" His response, not turning his head to even look at me mind you b/c watching the porn was more important than my hurt feeling, what do you want? You had kids.

It went downhill form there- atomic explosion-worse.
B/c I personally had it. Porn was definitely the preference over me- with out a doubt. I can not compete against porn, I can't. Neither can your wife.


You've said here that your wife is not too intelligent, she is not looking up to your stands, you also were dismissive about her birthing and caring for 5 kids in a short time span by stating the kids are pretty self-sufficient. And now I wonder if oyu have been depriving her of sex b/c it was too much work, she was not making things quick enough for you. She has not been living up to YOUR standards.


Do you get why she would not want to be with you and ask for a S? Do you get her hurt? Do you get why she would no longer want to make efforts to make you happy? You have depleted her "love bank" (read his needs, her needs) in a serious, serious manner make huge "deposits"
back into that bank..

So for today, maybe bring home a box of chocolates or a flower. As soon as you open the door, give her a nice smile and then walk to her and give her a hug. Act happy and pleasant during the rest of the night. Give her a massage at the end of the day and tell her kind words.

This is were you start, and start today.

Oh yeah, and if you already haven't done so. Ask her for your forgiveness. Sincerely ask for it b/c you have DEFINITELY wronged her for YEARS (yes, I understand she has wronged you too, but own up to your own stuff as a man would) Contrition, baby, and lots of it! Once is never enough, followed by changes in behavior and actions.

[june72]

Oh yes, eventually my hubby started to think I was "stupid" too. And he let me know this, by calling me "idiot" and "stupid" and acting like I was stupid and a moron.
You wife is not of lesser intelligence. Maybe she has less book smarts but I bet her IQ would test close to yours.

Well she can't be too unintelligent b/c she was smart enough to know that marriage wasn't healthy and needed changing b4 you did.

See the dynamic? I am sure you have been unenlightened to all this. Use your insight here. You have trouble loving her b/c you do not respect her. She knows this. Stop having negative thoughts about her and work on finding things you do like with her. Also, have time together alone to form new positive memories for the both or you.

I am glad to see that you are committed to change. Change takes lots of work. I know you are up to it

[Onthemountaintop]

I know that porn is designed to make all the body parts feel lust & desire. I don't expect her to win the battle. Is it fair to ask her to try to compete? (Wear nicer clothes & that kind of stuff.)

When we first got married, I found it really hard to please her in bed. IF she got to that spot, she never told me. She wouldn't ever tell me (I asked in many ways) what she liked. She would say things felt great, but I knew she wasn't getting there. So I gave up trying to convince her that without telling me what she liked I wouldn't be able to do better.

At that point in our M, I was more worried about going too fast, but she always said she got 'there', so I ignored the fact that it didn't seem likely. I took pride in always caring about her satisfaction, but if she wouldn't talk about it so I don't think there was any way I could've made it better. After the drought we had after that and the much worse problems we had with sex, I wasn't OK to let it go. So on our first reconciliation attempt, I made the decision to talk directly about the problems.

Talking about it doesn't solve them, but I'm OK with living this way with bad to OK to amazing sex, depending on the day etc. She isn't. That is why I can't leave the issue. Plus, now that I've given her the porn problem and a promise to stop my addiction with help, I need to try to make sex more attractive than solo action.

Thanks for the choc idea...I think I'll try that. I love massaging her, so I'll try that, too. Wow - good advice!

Forgiveness is all I seem to be asking for. Even in the D talks, I always focused on needing full forgiveness. I KNOW I've been an a** at times. Who is on these boards and hasn't been? I'll keep asking for it.

And, trying to make my actions take over to prove it. I just hope she doesn't keep up stonewalling my attempts and really can and does forgive/accept me & my problems