how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

i probably do need to detach a little more, and come to grips with the fact that it is NOT my H that makes me happy. i can do happy all by myself. every day has its ups and downs and i have my moments of feeling utter and complete loss and then i have my moments of breathing a sigh of relief that my M isn't carrying on the way it was a few months ago.

H is asking if we can "wrap up" the agreement by april 15. i don't even think you need to file the thing if we plan to D "uncontested" but i'll need to consult with a L on that. to go from thinking about counseling in early march to wrapping up a separation agreement by mid april just seems CRAZY to me. so that's what i'm telling myself right now. that he's just crazy.

in my response i told him i'd have a L look over it and i'd get back to him but that i was at odds because signing it meant that i voluntarily entered into the agreement and the D, and that's not how i feel at all. he still can't file for D until august (6 months after he moved out), but once the separation agreement itself has been filed, i think that's going to be the nail on the coffin for him.

i keep asking myself why i want to be married to someone who CONTINUALLY questions his commitment to me and to us. why i want to force this man into counseling or reconciling when he's the one who left to begin with. why i want to be with a man who is TELLING me that he can't see us together for the rest of our lives. is it just comfortable? am i just afraid of the change this will bring? do i really think we could make this work or do i tell myself that because i am so scared of letting him go? do i just want to posses him and be the only one he'll ever love? am i just being arrogant and thinking that he'll never find another woman like me? why do i want to be married to someone who has wanted out TWICE in 2 years? the answer can't just be because i love him. i've loved people before. i know i am capable of loving again.

maybe the vows meant something to me. maybe the whispered promises during our first dance were real to me. maybe i'm not realistically remembering my M for what it really was. i don't know. but i'm having a very very hard time just letting go. i don't want to struggle against this so hard, i don't want to resist so much, because i only get more and more tangled that way. certainly my H is only human and we are all entitled to our mistakes and god knows i make my fair share of them, but this is a man who has walked away from me 4 times in 5 years. what is it exactly that i'm holding on to? sometimes i think i was only holding on to an illusion to begin with...