I like your list. It does make sense. However, how do you do that when you are sick to your stomach? I am hyper nervous now, gut wrenched. My wife dropped the bomb last Sunday. After 8 years of marriage, of which ~7 were troubled by lack of sexual desire by her. We also argued a lot over small petty things. We did many things to overcome it. Classical marriage counseling, work on our own individual problems (both have depression issues). Now I finally think we are ready as individual to really build a much better relationship. But my wife has had enough, always having the feeling it was her fault not to feel sexual attraction anymore, always feeling bad about the relationship. When she dropped the bomb she simply said that she never felt the sexual attraction ever since we married, never felt the spark anymore, thinks I am boring and the relationship is boring. She loves me as a friend and thinks I am a great father but is sick and tired of having the feeling something is not good an has to change.
I do understand it, because I am a pretty dominant dude, always ready with my opinion. I really started to understand it better about a month ago and started working through DB. But I guess I did not shut up in time because the bomb dropped. Now she said that she does not see any hope or any way out, but is willing to give me my time because I said it is worth to save it and I said that I might have another way. I told her that I understand now what kind of pressure I have been putting on her all these years. So here we are, a couple of days later and I feel her tension. She even told me she was still lying awake not understanding that we talked last Sunday but we still act together as if nothing happened. Yes,we are still in our daily routine of working and taking care of the kids. We even still have fun together with our kids and still joke with each other (we really like each others sense of humor) so these good things are still the same. But she does not seem to notice (yet) that I do not come home grumpy anymore or complain or comment. But if she still feels tension because she is waiting to get out I am afraid it will not help.
We have also been setting up some dates because I had the idea that the last couple of years we did not have much fun because of our busy lives with two small kids (5 and 2) and both with demanding jobs. The first date we had was nice, but I had to ask of course if she liked it in my insecure way......WRONG (your rule #7)!! I know now. Next time I will just go and focus on enjoying the activity myself in stead of focusing on her. But I guess I am breaking rule #9 eh? I really think we can have a good time as long as I stop being needy for reassurances. Also she already agreed on some dates, should I cancel them?
