How much longer in Separated?

[jon2911]

Thanks Michelle. I know it's true that we're S, I guess this is a reality check. Things were feeling so much better lately, talking every night, even this weekend things were great. This may be nothing more than her getting lonely when her friend canceled on her two weekends ago. I recall now that the texts said "looking forward to meeting you" 2 weeks ago.

The bigger question is what I'm cool with, and whether any of the last couple months was progress at all. In the night, W asked me a weird question about if I put a tracking device on her car. Her old roommate had that happen to her. I laughed and said no. So it's bothering her.

I called around 11:00 to make sure she made it OK. I think I'll take some time to think now.

[MichelleLT]

If it was fun and felt good, it was progress. Everyone here saw it as progress. You saw it as progress.

This is a change. Possibly a setback since your ultimate goal is still R, but a change. It doesn't have to destroy the possibility of R either. It's up to you to think over what youw ant.

You can still build the friendship even if you cut off any physical intimacy.

It's up to you though where to draw the line.

Definitely take a couple days to mull it over.

[jon2911]

Good thoughts Michelle. I need to not overreact here, and discount the progress we have made.

It felt like such a slap in the face. Mostly seeing that this guy is sending her money, just like I did earlier in the month, and also a couple fun text messages sent to me were also sent to him. I feel played, that's probably the best way to put it. I'm processing some things today and will write more later.

[jon2911]

This feels like such uncharted territory, even though I've been here 3 years. I can put W on my benefits starting tomorrow, but I don't want to. We still owe money to the IRS, and we're still on the same car insurance. I just bought her a netbook last week, and was angry and sad when it was delivered to work. She's going to pay for it, I'm just hurting right now.

Back to the MWD article I keep posting to everyone else:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_while_spouse_decides.htm

Perhaps you are someone whose spouse is in the midst of an affair and it is making you crazy. You feel like giving up on your marriage. Worse yet, you feel like being hurtful.

Yup.

Will write more as I have time.

[Drew]

OK, I'm not trying to be mean, just trying to get your sitch straight in my head ....

She's sleeping with you and three other guys?

[jon2911]

More from the article later. I went dark Monday night and most of the day Tuesday. Got a text from W "Sorry I didn't call last night like usual. I slept like nobody's business".

Maybe so, maybe she just talked to OM. It seems she wants to continue talking at night. I'm still deciding what I'm OK with, but I did pick up when she called last night. I made a point to find out about her doctor's appointment, her day, anything to not have to talk because I wasn't feeling like BSing. More in a bit.

[jon2911]

OK, I'm not trying to be mean, just trying to get your sitch straight in my head ....

She's sleeping with you and three other guys?

Hey Drew! Quick synopsis: W and I have been spending a lot more time together, and it's been great. Talking every night as she goes to sleep as well. Sunday I read some text messages on her phone that implied that she's been with another guy recently, and possibly another.

Again, she doesn't consider us married any more, and hasn't promised that we're exclusive, so like Michelle said it's not like she's doing anything wrong, per se. I just have some decisions to make and some stuff to sort through.

[jon2911]

Tuesday night W shared with me about her doctor's appointment, that she didn't really connect with the new doctor, and was basically told "you've already run the gamut of treatments, haven't you?"

Also, she was in the waiting room, talking to a woman with terrible migraines and her husband, who was some sort of doctor. The guy spouted off to her "I hear that after 10 years of these, the nerve damage is so permanent there's nothing they can do."

W is at year 9. She pretty much lost it, and was called into the office right then, trying to pull it together.

W also mentioned that she's getting together with her best high school friends, their parents, and her stepdad over Easter weekend. She's torn about whether she should try to look perfect, or be willing to show how much pain she's in. Pretty much the conundrum of W's life right there. Fake or genuine? She says stepdad thinks she's faking it, and everyone else too. I can't imagine facing decisions like that every time she sees anyone. Most people with her level of pain either commit suicide or become drug addicts. She's not at that level yet, but not far off either.

We had a good talk about benefits last night, I told her they're starting tomorrow, and she asked softly if I wanted to cut her off. I told her no, and she thanked me. I told her I can't pay for it, and she said that's fine and she'll send me the money every month. That does take a bit of trust, but she's been good on that so far. Keeping on...

[jon2911]

I got set up to IM with W from work. My boss told me he put me on benefits, but he's still getting back to me with the spouse charge. Hopefully today.

W called as I was about to walk into Maundy Thursday service, we had a good talk. She sounded like she wanted to talk more, and told me she wasn't feeling well and had let the rest of the family go to the Ranch. She was enjoying the time alone.

I walked into the service with a lot on my mind. It really feels like a friendship is developing again. The possibility is there for more, but am I really cool either way? I've been chewing on the MWD article, especially one quote in particular:

I gave her space and respected her choice to enter into a relationship with someone else. I never said anything bad about her boyfriend and was always there when he couldn’t or wouldn’t be there.

Wow. That really sounds like the ultimate example of love to me. I may not agree with her choices, but I respect them and give her space, no matter how much they hurt. And on my side, do I really want to be just another guy who wants sex from W? It's a tough thing to think about, because our sex life has been fantastic through all of this.

I had band practice for Easter after the service, but told W I would call her after that. I also helped her get internet through her phone to her laptop, for free. She was very happy about that.

I called around 11:00 and we chit-chatted for a bit. We made plans for the weekend after Easter, and possibly the weekend after that. Taxes being the main reason, but she said we can have fun as well.

Then I told her we needed to talk about something. I told her I was sorry and didn't mean to snoop, but that I'd seen the texts. I really enjoy talking to her, and I'm enjoying the friendship we're developing, but if we're going to have sex I need to know that it's only me. If that means we need to just be friends, I respect her decision. Also, she means so much more than just sex to me.

She started crying and said "what do you want from me?" She asked me that once before, over a year ago. I need to think about a good answer to that. I told her I really want her friendship. Of course, I want a whole lot more than that as well, but I'll be her friend no matter what.

She said she doesn't feel like we're married. It feels like I'm a good, old friend, and sometimes we sleep together. That's all. She said we're much different people then when we got married. I said "I agree. Don't you think that's a good thing? Don't we have a much better time together now then we ever did?" She said yes, and that it's much easier now. Still, she's not ready to start all over again and try to make a M work. The tone of her voice said "yet".

She said "I guess we need to stop having sex until we figure this out". I told her that I didn't need an answer right now, but maybe every time we meet for a weekend we can talk about it, instead of it just happening. She said that sounds good, not a big drawn out talk or anything, but to see what we're both comfortable with.

I said it seems we're in agreement, and she said "my rules are different than yours, and always have been". I call BS on that as far as "always", but she has a point for the present. She said she doesn't want to pressure me into sex if I'm not comfortable. I told her not to worry about that. LOL.

She also said she feels she needs to trust me to not snoop on her like that. I told her that's true, that this really wasn't intentional. I told her the trust thing works from my side also, that she needs to be honest with me and not lie about it if she chooses to see other guys. She won't get any judgment from me. (At least, hopefully, I'm working on it).

We talked lightly for another 30 minutes, and at the end she said softly "do you hate me?" I told her no, not at all. I felt like there was a wall between us, and we had to talk about it.

Overall, I'm encouraged. It seems like we have the kind of foundation that good R's and M's are built on. Whether she wants to be happy or stay miserable is up to her.

I challenged myself to be her truest and most devoted friend. The more I challenged myself and lived up to the challenge, the more inner power I gained.

Friendship........empathy, being there without criticism, being non-judgmental.....this is unconditional friendship.

Believe me, the decision to be a friend, against all odds, proved to be a major challenge. There were times when I truly thought of giving up, especially when the boyfriend arrived. Usually, I would come to this site and vent and request support and information. Michele, and the "family" here, never let me down.

[MichelleLT]

Well, at least it's out in the open. What could have been a difficult argument sounds like it was actually a productive conversation.

Sounds like you guys set some boundaries as well.

Glad you were able to handle that so calmly!