Oh, I've got it! When I call OW and ask her to leave us alone, I'll ask "You do use a condom, don't you? You don't have any STDs, do you? Oh, never mind, I'll just get myself tested regularly anyway to be safe."
I know that I'm in the minority here but I don't see the ML as a mistake. When my H was deep in the A, he was telling OW that even though we were living together that we didn't ML. I know that for my H, ML is his most important way of connecting. Of course, we ML and it was confusing to him.
But when he would say that it was a mistake to ML with me, I would say that "The mistake is the A. We are H/W. This is what's right. You're feeling this way b/c you know the A is wrong. We are what's right. OW is the mistake."
It definitely worked. I had myself tested and continued to ML when the opportunity was present. It was the best way for me to keep the connection alive when he was trying his best to kill it.
I didn't expose to OW right away. It was several months in when I had enough and called her. It blew up in his face. I told her that he had been telling me that we would try again and were ML all along. Of course, he had told her that we didn't. She kicked him to the curb the next day. My H's OW was single so there wasn't anyone else to expose to. However, if she had been married, I would have exposed to OW H right way.
Read Dr Phil's, Relationship Rescue. It works well with DB. It helped me have more confidence and know how to say what I needed to say when the times were right.
Thanks Bluestar. ML was instrumental in busting the D the last time so I was not as upset about it as some here are. I have been thinking back and he was definitely not comfortable with it the first or second time, probably up to the dozen-th time... but eventually he told me it helped keep us connected on some level. And it was worth it just because of what he said - about not wanting to lose me - that was worth it because now he may think twice about what's going on.
I think the principal issue is cake eating actually.
There is the idea tossed around that if your WS can have sex with two women, why would he limit himself to one?
But your challenge to this reasoning is a good one.. he won't limit himself, but few OW are satisfied having sex with soemone's WS unless they were told he was NOT sleeping with his wife anymore.. its a spin on the exposure theory.
Rather than exposing teh affair to his family and friends, you expose the husband cheating on his mistress to the mistress... its a bit different, but I agree most OW would not tolerate being lied to.. and yes I would think most men would like and say they aren't having sex with thier wife anymore.
I don't think it was the ML part that was bothersome, it was the fact that he was drunk when he did it is the issue. If he came to you and respectfully asked you for sex while sober, then it would be a good sign. But drunk? When he can say that you did something and not take ownership for anything he's done, then it's a problem.
What if you told him 'no' and he had forced himself on you? He could have pulled the same argument that 'you' wanted it.
I really hope you do plan to talk to him soon if you are planning to go to R still.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
But your challenge to this reasoning is a good one.. he won't limit himself, but few OW are satisfied having sex with soemone's WS unless they were told he was NOT sleeping with his wife anymore.. its a spin on the exposure theory.
Rather than exposing teh affair to his family and friends, you expose the husband cheating on his mistress to the mistress... its a bit different, but I agree most OW would not tolerate being lied to.. and yes I would think most men would like and say they aren't having sex with thier wife anymore.
Interesting way to look at it, Allen. You always make me think!
I'd be in favor of this, if . . . IF . .. the betrayed spouse can view this dispassionately as a TACTIC, and use it to their advantage, without letting it get in the way of their detachment.
I think VERY few can actually pull that of, and most go all "melty man/woman" on ya, and lose their edge, in my experience.
I doubt this would work if the WS was a female as well... I think females are far more prone to monogamous infidelity than the men. I would expect many men to lie to the WS leaving them think they are engaged in monogamous infidelity whereas its actually polygamous.
The lying is what's exposed... lying about cheating, or lying about cheating on the cheater ...either way, the truth is brought to the surface and we let God sort out the mess after the storm clears.
OW in my sitch was well hacked off when she found out H and I were being intimate. Pushed some big buttons - esp as she had stopped that side of things with ther H. Apparently my H had never talked to her about it - OW had just assumed we had a purely platonic R.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
