How many here have been married before?

[CityGirl]

I don't think all marriages are hopeless either. I do think though that once a spouse decides "it's over" there is far less a chance that the marriage can be rebuilt. That doesn't mean it's hopeless, it just means it's unlikely.

I think that is where so many people tend to disagree. There are very few situations that are totally hopeless. The trick is getting BOTH spouses on board to realize it is not hopeless. Add in a third party (OM/OW) and the likelihood of the wayward spouse seeing any hope diminishes. Many, many good things can be present but if both spouses don't feel it, see it or want it, it doesn't matter.

Likelihood is a very different thing and sadly, the likelihood of a marriage being rebuilt is low. That is due to the people in the marriage and not actually what is present.

[dday101798]

First M for me, second for (x)W.

(x)W loved me all along but was so depressed and hopeless and alone with me, that "she didn't care" she just wanted to find happiness, and it wasn't out there. Tried to come back several times, but was in too deep with A. Well, 6 months post D, she finally came back and our R is flourishing stronger than ever.

[CityGirl]

That is great dday!

I tend to wonder if people in their second marriage are more apt to reconcile than people in their first marriage. While it is the most awful thing I have ever been through, divorce is so widely accepted it is very "normal" to be divorced. I think that is why first marriages are less likely to be restored. With a second marriage you have been "round the block" so to speak and may see things in a different way and have experience that first timers don't have.

I also think younger people are less likely to reconcile as they feel they still "have time" to start a second life.

I often wonder if some WAS have a small desire to reconcile but have told so many lies to so many people they know coming clean would be too much. My H lied to his friends, family and co-workers about our separation being mutual and his affair. In order for anything to happen he would need to come clean and he never would do that. He has told me that.

My 2 cents!

[futureunknown]

My marriage is my first, but second for my STBXW. The statistics say 50% of first marriages end in divorce, and 60% of second marriages. In my case, my W definitely has more of a "no big deal" attitude about it, while I feel likek my life came crashing down around me. Is it because she was the WAW in an A, and I was the LBS, or because it's her second M and my first?

[CityGirl]

I guess there is not one correct (or close to correct!) theory.

I do think it is 110% easier for the WAS rather than the LBS no matter what the circumstance. In most cases the WAS have planned their exit for some time and detached in the most comfortable way possible for them. Then they bomb drop and go about their merry way and deal with next no fallout. Or, they don't deal with the fallout in the same way the LBS is forced to. Add in an affair and it makes it 10x easier for the WAS as they have "good stuff" and can really shelf reality.

I don't know of many second marriages that end in divorce. I am just talking about the people I know IRL. I do know that the women I know that divorced waited a long time to remarry (if they ever did) while the men I know got married quite fast.

I always wonder that about my H. He doesn't want to be with me, we have no contact yet he begged me to stay separated for three years which would prevent him from getting married again until at least 2013 or 2014 depending on how long our divorce took. He has been with OW for over two years and has guaranteed himself at least three more years of no full commitment to her. I used to think it was all about the health insurance but w/the money my H makes it certainly would not kill him just to pay it and get divorced.

I guess there are too many factors (age, belief system, children) to really put it all in one category.

[MrBond]

I think it's also easier for the WAS because it's the lazy way out. I mean why would you want to do work on something that is "obviously" broken (even though they contributed to breaking it) when it's easier to get a new R. Of course the new R isn't going to have ANY of the problems the old one did because most of the problems were caused by the LBS anyway.

You look at alot of the high profile M going through issues now. Jesse James, Tiger Woods, etc. They went for easy gratification rather than working on making things better with their spouses. Lazy.

Hey I wonder if Sandra Bullock or Erin has ever come across this site. It would be funny if one of the posters here were actually a celeb and are following the advice they find on here.

No paparazzi following them here that's for sure.

[12bar]

I agree with laziness being a factor but I sometimes wonder if the laziness is really just an inabilty on the part of the WAS to face/admit their own problems, faults, contributions, etc. People with NPD are literally incapable of doing this and there are many NPD amongst the ranks of cheaters. I think many people who walk without serious effort to improve the R (counseling, books, etc.) fear the honest self-anaysis that working on the R would entail.

[dday101798]

Heh, I REALLY wish my (x)W wasn't so anti-computer, you might find as I do, A LOT of what she says enlightening. But then again, she wasn't the a-typical scripted WAS.

[WalkingMan]

This is a great topic and the kind of discussion the real wisdom comes out of...thanks everyone!

My last marriage was both my and my xw's first. I have to agree with the previous statement that there may be a possibility that the WAS and LBS want to get back together, but have both burned too many bridges. The amount of work it would take to reconcile can be just too much.

BUT, it's been my experience that every long term relationship I've had follows a similar pattern and the grass is not necessarily greener. Sometimes, it can take years but if there's history and you conducted yourself well (and tried to improve)there's always a chance they will want you back.

The trouble is for me that it comes too late and I've become the WAS.

[Wholeagain]

Never heard of anyone reconciling and remarrying IRL.