Thoughts about my sitch- help appreciated

[ericmsant2]

Dude you know how I feel about you....so i decided to respond.

Take it FWIW....

so I'm just spinning my wheels here.

So then stop spinning. You know YOU DO have a choice. You can choose to keep spinning or figure out a way to stop. Maybe that means not taking every one of her f**king calls.
Sorry dude.

there is a job opportunity in new england doing cardiac surgery that SHE has said she really wants to check out.

Replace the word SHE with I and then answer the question. What do you want to do. Ya know someone on these boards pointed out to me that our WORDS should mirror our ACTIONS. If you already committed to something like moving to be closer to your kids - why not just stick to the plan? Why not just do what YOU want to do? At this point if it is cardiac surgery, then choose that just make sure YOU can live with the choices that YOU will make for YOU and YOUR KIDS.

of course she does not want me to move in with her right now

So then don't and refer to my comments about about your words and actions.

I feel she wants to check out this Mass job just to clear her conscience that she basically ruined my career.

Do YOU want to check out the Mass job? Once again all of your steps are based on what SHE wants. Maybe you should ask the kids and yourself what YOU guys want.

but yesterday she called, texted, emailed, facebooked me

Must you take every call, respond to every text? Every time you respond, you allow her to pull you back in and then you do you change your mind about what you want to do (FTR - I'm guilty of the same but I can tell you the more you accept were you stand in your R the better it gets). Have you consider trying something different - like not responding to every call or text? What did Einstein say about doing the same thing over and over again...

and that maybe she wasn't sure she was done with having babies.

Why that's nice...sounds like a "confused positive" if you ask me. Key word being confused. Will you allow yourself to be confused?

why would she want to go on a trip to mass with me, with second honeymoon weekend but yet not want me to move in. makes no sense.

Man have I done this a ton of time...you seem to think like I still do sometimes that she is thinking logically, that there is the one thing that you can say or do to make her snap out of it. We'll you can't. Simple question buddy...I know this was asked of me early on in this process so I am going to remind you and me - DO YOU LOVE HER ENOUGH to go thru this? Actually, let me ask another question....DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF and HER to GO THRU THIS and live in limbo but detach so that you are not driving yourself crazy? Pls answer - you know how to reach me.

I also do not think I will ever be able to trust her again.

Yep - know the feeling but as I posted on your last thread - this is a choice that YOU make. BTW...have you thought that maybe she does not TRUST you either? Could trust be rebuilt - yes - does it take a ton of work - yes. Why would you wait to see if this work can be done? Read the above question to YOU.

We have no relationship.

Yes the faster you accept this IMO the faster you can heal and move forward with your life - whatever that life is.

do I just bag this trip? she continues to string me along "move here, lets see how the next few months go."

Dude - do you want to move to Mass (hey you would be closer to me :))? Why do you keep doing EVERY freaking thing that SHE wants? Ya know why (remember I did and sometime still do the same)? Cause you still think that you can fix this....

she holds the cards... she makes the calls... she continues to mess with my mind.

Oh...she has all the control over YOU - wow dude - I thought you had control over you. Take your control back but don't be an as* about it. Maybe you will feel a little better. BTW have you asked yourself why she has so much control over you.

what is that all about? it just seems so far gone.

I think this is called a mid life crisis.

I will always wonder about the relationship with OM--- especially when I get up there.

Know the feeling...I still do sometime..pissed me off on days until i realize that I cannot control her or anyone else for that matter...or sometime I realize that she is "ill" and real just cannot face her issues....or sometime I think wow did I blow - the key though...is learning NOT to think about it.

In closing, you know how I feel dude - we have discussed things in a lot of detail. I am not going to tell you what to do but as your friend here is what I suggest (and it is only a suggestion) that you think LONG and HARD about....

1) Why am I really doing this?
2) What do I really want (considering what I can control)?
3) What do my kids want (you can always be someone elses husband but you will always be your kids DAD).
4) What do I gain by filing or calling it day that I do not gain by just focusing on the above 3 questions.

Dude - I hope I did not piss you off and you know I care about you - stop spinning please...stop. Sit back and think about the questions above. Maybe if you do for some period of time longer than a week or two (FTR I am also talking to myself) you may have enought CONSISTENT CLARITY to make the right choices for YOU and YOUR KIDS.

God Bless,
Eric