The latest with me

[alice444]

After reading your guys' responses about kids and your husbands blowing up etc I'm really feeling horrible about myself. I did yell at her a few times in the heat of the argument, I did criticize her for stupid stuff (not realizing that's how she'd take it) and despite my trying not to, it even happened in front of DD a few times because she's with us 99% of the time. Ugh!

Ok, well you're not going to get off with beating yourself up so easily . This is advice that's easy to give our friends, harder to give yourself- but I truly believe that you did the best you could as often as you could and maybe you made a few mistakes, but that should be ok- it should be ok to make mistakes without it meaning the end of a marriage. Most of us have disagreed in front of our kids- when I was referring to my parents, keep in mind that this was over almost 20 years with tons of emotional abuse and intimidation, financial blackmail issues, and all sorts of yucky stuff they did. And I'm talking lots and lots of yelling and crying- not just a few times. They had no regard for whether we were listening or being affected. Anyone reading your posts knows how much you care about your D and would do anything to protect her. Kids can take a few arguments without being damaged. Give yourself a break. Also, something I'm trying to remind myself of often: I cannot go back and change what I did in the past, only now. If I have a chance, I will change my behavior now every time the opportunity comes up. If I can't have another chance to change my behavior (in my case, I can't in some areas right now), then it's not in my control, and I shouldn't make myself feel bad about that.

I feel that she's right - and it is my fault and now it's just too little too late. In my up-bringing parents arguing and sometimes getting upset at eachother was OK and part of life, they always said life is tough and always has its ups and downs but what's important is unity and love amongst us. But maybe that's not healthy and that's why she thinks DD is better off separate than together? Actually, I really don't even know exactly what it is this time that she doesn't like - I'm sure it's multiple things.

Ah, you're getting sucked into her mind games- RESIST!! It can't be just YOUR fault. Who left? Who did her share of undermining or disrespecting, or whatever else she did? It's very interesting that, with all the introspection you do, that it's not clear to you what it is this time. Maybe that's b/c it's not clear to her either, so you can't get a read on it. My H is doing the blame thing too- and really, it sounds ridiculous when you hear someone else say it. How can a D be my fault when I say I don't want one??!! That if it were up to me I wouldn't choose it? And then he literally comes back and says "it's your fault". What?? But I get sucked in too. It's because we're the ones thinking and working hard to try to figure out how we contributed and how we can fix things. We're the ones spending the time thinking and taking responsibility and they are doing the opposite. It must really help them sleep at night to blame us.

You know what you wrote above is not true. If you know how you contributed, that is good, IMO. If you've taken responsibility, tried to make amends for and changes to your behavior for yourself and your family's sake, that's healthy too, I believe. But taking on blame that's not ours is going too far. Please remind me of this when I start talking silly, too

(((Romeo)))

[Marooned]

Hi Jaime. It was here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...681#Post1965681

Here.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Jaime...thanks. I'll have to read it tomorrow, I kinda have a different type of a situation on my hands this eve.

This morning I woke up without power...apparently some major circuit blew up causing the whole block to be without power. On my way home I didn't even remember it and picked up the groceries etc and when I got here guess what? no power.

Anyway, I got my little emergency battery pack going on to power the computer, DSL modem etc but won't hold the juice for too long.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Jaime thanks, I really needed to hear that. I know it's so much harder to give that kind of advice to yourself. You bet I'll remind you if you start talking silly too

So it's been 7 days since STBXW and I interacted via email and we saw eachother for 10mins when exchanging D last Sat. I really am doing just fine without her. Of course, I miss the sounds and life that once filled the house but I'm OK being on my own. Some things are uncomfortable for me, things that W used to do mostly. Like going grocery shopping and then browsing the frozen food isle for 20 mins like all the other guys lol At least when I walked up to the cahier she asked me if I had their rewards card. I told her no, she smiled and said 'oh you're probably visiting...right? no problem' and she swiped her card. Wow that was unexpected and a picker upper - she's cute too. I just smiled and told her 'wow, that was really nice of you, thank you'.

I've also been meaning to make some personal changes:

1. ditch the glasses and go back to contact on the weekends etc.
2. change my hair style
3. maybe grow a small soul patch
4. I'd love a tattoo but long term no good - maybe a fake one
5. I'm kinda lacking in the forearm real-estate for a tattoo anyway so yeah I need to build some muscle
6. I totally need a new wardrobe, I've been browsing GAP, bananna republic websites etc but I can't decide what to get
7. I still have a few house projects that I need to find the motivation for
8. My race car's in pieces, all the new shiny bits are sitting in the garage...but it's really become a backburner project.
9. I want to buy a new car...being a car nut I can give others advice but have a hard time settling on a car for myself. Right now the two cars are Mitsubishi EVO or the BMW 5 series.
10. I need to expand my social circle, I joined a single parents group on meetup.com and they have several events lined up. I need to get out of my comfort zone and just go with my D one day.

[alice444]

Jaime thanks, I really needed to hear that. I know it's so much harder to give that kind of advice to yourself. You bet I'll remind you if you start talking silly too

I'll count on it!

So it's been 7 days since STBXW and I interacted via email and we saw eachother for 10mins when exchanging D last Sat. I really am doing just fine without her. Of course, I miss the sounds and life that once filled the house but I'm OK being on my own. Some things are uncomfortable for me, things that W used to do mostly. Like going grocery shopping and then browsing the frozen food isle for 20 mins like all the other guys lol At least when I walked up to the cahier she asked me if I had their rewards card. I told her no, she smiled and said 'oh you're probably visiting...right? no problem' and she swiped her card. Wow that was unexpected and a picker upper - she's cute too. I just smiled and told her 'wow, that was really nice of you, thank you'.

Do you feel like you actually feel better the less you see her and interact with her? You ARE fine without her- or apart from her, or whatever the current status happens to be. Are there really clueless guys wandering the frozen food aisles? Now I know where to pick them up when I'm single ;-)

I've also been meaning to make some personal changes:

1. ditch the glasses and go back to contact on the weekends etc.
2. change my hair style
3. maybe grow a small soul patch
4. I'd love a tattoo but long term no good - maybe a fake one
5. I'm kinda lacking in the forearm real-estate for a tattoo anyway so yeah I need to build some muscle
6. I totally need a new wardrobe, I've been browsing GAP, bananna republic websites etc but I can't decide what to get
7. I still have a few house projects that I need to find the motivation for
8. My race car's in pieces, all the new shiny bits are sitting in the garage...but it's really become a backburner project.
9. I want to buy a new car...being a car nut I can give others advice but have a hard time settling on a car for myself. Right now the two cars are Mitsubishi EVO or the BMW 5 series.
10. I need to expand my social circle, I joined a single parents group on meetup.com and they have several events lined up. I need to get out of my comfort zone and just go with my D one day.

I think these all sound great. RE: wardrobe, this will sound kind of cheesy, but I know my H did it once- you could go to Macy's (or one of the other stores) and find a woman sales clerk who looks relatively hip and has some free time and ask her advice about what's in and what would look good on you. It can't hurt and they might even have some good tips.

Go check out one of the SP activities and let us know how it is!

J

[mindfull]

Romeo - Gosh! I wish we were closer. I'd be so all over this project!!! From my remote locale... let me offer some suggestions! (Ahem! You know we could really offer SO MUCH more help w/a pic!)

I've also been meaning to make some personal changes:

1. ditch the glasses and go back to contact on the weekends etc.
2. change my hair style
3. maybe grow a small soul patch
4. I'd love a tattoo but long term no good - maybe a fake one
5. I'm kinda lacking in the forearm real-estate for a tattoo anyway so yeah I need to build some muscle
6. I totally need a new wardrobe, I've been browsing GAP, bananna republic websites etc but I can't decide what to get
7. I still have a few house projects that I need to find the motivation for
8. My race car's in pieces, all the new shiny bits are sitting in the garage...but it's really become a backburner project.
9. I want to buy a new car...being a car nut I can give others advice but have a hard time settling on a car for myself. Right now the two cars are Mitsubishi EVO or the BMW 5 series.
10. I need to expand my social circle, I joined a single parents group on meetup.com and they have several events lined up. I need to get out of my comfort zone and just go with my D one day.

#1 - Good call. How about Lasik? (I'm next!)
#2 - Long or short?
#3 - Is that hair on your chin?
#4 - NONONONON - ICK
#5 - Start w/www.100pushups.com. I just started it. Amazing!
#6 - Gap and BR are okay... Like them both, but you're still fairly young! Try The Buckle, too. Jeans are a little more hip.
#7 - Just do it!
#8 - I don't "get" race cars so...
#9 - Either car is hot!!! I'd probably lean towards the 5-series, if you're going to keep it awhile. More of a keeper car. But, if not, get the EVO! HOT!!! You would just look a bit ridiculous in that car @ 45!
#10 - GOOD!!!

[ImprovedRomeo]

Do you feel like you actually feel better the less you see her and interact with her? You ARE fine without her- or apart from her, or whatever the current status happens to be. Are there really clueless guys wandering the frozen food aisles? Now I know where to pick them up when I'm single ;-)

Yes, so far that's how I feel - out of sight, out of mind right? well out of mind half the time.

I can't say there are that many clueless guys wandering there but as a guy I only hit two or three isles, frozen food, bread, milk and fruit. Then on the way out I pick up some sliced turkey etc for sandwiches and maybe a set of breasts...I mean a pack of chicken breast!! Remember though I was married to a vegan so going into the grocery store and looking at the plethora of 'stuff' available is a bit overwhelming at first but then you find a few good items and include them in your routine shopping.

I think these all sound great. RE: wardrobe, this will sound kind of cheesy, but I know my H did it once- you could go to Macy's (or one of the other stores) and find a woman sales clerk who looks relatively hip and has some free time and ask her advice about what's in and what would look good on you. It can't hurt and they might even have some good tips.

Go check out one of the SP activities and let us know how it is!
J

I've done that in the past too. Isn't it weird that guys rely on women's opinion on how they dress etc so much but women don't really. I mean my wife would ask me sometimes which shirt went with what pants etc but not much. I always told her she looked hot whenever she got something new. In fact, she used to joke in response 'even if I wore a burlap sack you'd say I look hot'.

Anyway...we'll see how it goes. I need a couple of pairs of jeans, a few nice shirts to go with the jeans, I liked the ones with embroidery patterns on them - kinda westernish but that was last year, I need some shoes to go with the above (converse?).

[mindfull]

Romeo - Things are looking up in the wardrobe department!

These t's are awesome from this company... My H wears them, even if I think he's borderline age appropriate for them, but you're 10 years younger!

http://www.buckle.com/product/product_de...=24&N=42+26

Love these BKE button-ups, too...

http://www.buckle.com/product/product_de...=48&N=42+26

Converse are good!

[ImprovedRomeo]

Romeo - Gosh! I wish we were closer. I'd be so all over this project!!! From my remote locale... let me offer some suggestions! (Ahem! You know we could really offer SO MUCH more help w/a pic!)

Would've been awesome if you guys were closer mind!

pic - hmm...I'll think about it

#1 - Good call. How about Lasik? (I'm next!)
#2 - Long or short?
#3 - Is that hair on your chin?
#4 - NONONONON - ICK
#5 - Start w/www.100pushups.com. I just started it. Amazing!
#6 - Gap and BR are okay... Like them both, but you're still fairly young! Try The Buckle, too. Jeans are a little more hip.
#7 - Just do it!
#8 - I don't "get" race cars so...
#9 - Either car is hot!!! I'd probably lean towards the 5-series, if you're going to keep it awhile. More of a keeper car. But, if not, get the EVO! HOT!!! You would just look a bit ridiculous in that car @ 45!
#10 - GOOD!!!

1. Lasik? hmm maybe.
2. I have short hair right now and not really into long hair.
3. yes, hair on your chin, you don't care for it? - I don't have any facial hair today but it'll be a 180 :P
4. really? tattoos look kinda cool to me...especially on buffed guys but maybe only on buffed guys so I guess it's not for me LOL
5. I'll check it out, I also want to take an Akido or Krav Maga type of a class, good for building self-confidence
6. Never heard of The Buckle, I'll check it out...you're right, I'm only 35...not dead! LOL
7. Nike!
8. Well, it's just taking up room in the garage and unless I finish it I can't really get rid of it these days
9. I usually only keep cars about 2-4years if that. I've wanted the EVO for a long time but always wrote it off as a college-ish car but whatever. The new M3's too pricey, the 5 is nicer, maturish. I don't know what look I'm going for? a 35yo rebelious or a 35yo clean cut professional. I already am the latter so I kinda want to go for the former.
10. yeah self confidence...which reminds me I still have to finish my homework from FM!

[ImprovedRomeo]

Thanks for the suggestions mind. Please keep it coming if you see anything intersting.

But holy cow $60 for a t-shirt?

I looked at the pushups site...I'm fired up ready to go!