Oh - and I do feel ashamed. Greatly. I have for every time I did it. There is a religious phrase we have that 'looking with lust is the fornication of the eye.'
Ashamed would be an understatement. If I didn't, I would've confided in a close friend, or her, before this month.
An as far as prioritorizing...I knew I didn't love her nor was I attracted when I married her. In her culture, it is hard for divorced women to remarry if the marriage was consumated. Also, some people said I just married for a quickie and would leave her there. I took the chance that in Canada we'd be happy despite the evidence to the contrary, so that I could at least give us a fighting chance. She's always loved me deeply. I didn't want to break her heart without working hard. And I did try, but she got pregnant, and grumpy by her 3rd week here.
Would you leave a person who was pregnant and doesn't speak English in Canada alone and divorced?
Isn't that priortorizing her needs over mine? I tried many times to kindle love on my side. All the while, my sins were blocking me and I had no idea she even knew.
When she told me she knew, I didn't blame her at all. Isn't that considering her feelings?
I AM trying. Please, be fair with me. I'm looking for advice, not attacks.
It is terribly rude when your W knows you are not attracted to her to even comment that a waitress has a hairstyle that would look good on your W.
OK. So I don't know yet how to be a romantic. I got that. What do I do now?
I'll tell you want I want - to run. Chaulk up another ADHD impusivity foot-in-my-mouth failure. Great.
But I'm not going to. She loves me and I now love her. I committed to try and I'm going to. Not because I have to, not because of money or the kids, but because I want to be happy with her.
It is not unreasonable to ask WHY you married her if you did not love her or find her attractive. That makes no sense.
This is not about attacking you. You seem to be just fine attacking your W but when somebody on the forum points out your part in it you say you are being attacked.
When you don't love somebody and you are not attracted to them what do you expect to happen. Perhaps her flaws are magnified to YOU since you feel this way. Maybe she doesn't treat you well, I don't know since I am not there. Based on what you say it doesn't seem you treat her well either.
Basically your W was in a strange country, did not know the language, was married to a man she didn't know and that didn't love her or find her attractive and found herself pregnant and you wonder why she was "grumpy"?
My guess is you know how to be romantic just fine, you just don't do it towards your W. If you notice a hairstyle on another woman then something is ticking inside of you.
You are just going to have to smarten up for now. If you know you look at other women (and you seem to often) then stop taking your W places for now where you can look or learn to restrain yourself.
I was giving you advice. Do you now see how being direct and to the point may also be one of YOUR problems in dealing with your wife and how it may make her feel when YOU just blurt things out?
I will repeat it. You need to LEARN how to make a woman feel like a woman. You need to learn it FAST.
You need to get this porn addiction completely out of your life. This is more than likely part of the attraction issue and needs to be eliminated once and for all.
You need to STOP saying that you didn't love her or was attracted to her when you married. (even to yourself)
Ah, porn. I do know exactly what the deal was with my hubby but he finds porn "addictive". His words not mine. He told me his views on how women should look got screwed up and unreal.
SO are you to tell me if you or wife was or any spouse for that matter. Horribly disfigured by some freak accident they would have a hard time finding love for their spouse? Finding them in any way attractive?
Love is deeper than the superficial cr@p.
I, honestly, had to step away from this MB for a bit and cry 'cause this topic brings up such bad memories.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I was giving you advice. Do you now see how being direct and to the point may also be one of YOUR problems
I realized that the day I decided to put my fears in my pocket and go to get an ADHD dignosis. Since then, I've been reminded of it many times.
I do appreciate things that can help me move forward. I accept that I need to learn many things fast, I wouldn't be writing on a blog things that are so personal if I didn't see that.
So, I do really thank you and others for advice to help me out. I do need it.
I don't need others to tell me I'm mean, cruel, etc. I do that very, very well on my own!!
I, honestly, had to step away from this MB for a bit and cry 'cause this topic brings up such bad memories.
I'm sorry that my (and your H) problems have hurt you as it does my W.
I tried to convince her that the big problem is sex takes time and porn is fast. It is more than that. I'm big enough that she gets so wet, I get no friction to get off. Like I'm talking a good day is 26 minutes of action. That is hard to maintain - porn was so much easier. Especially when we had years of fighting and the last thing I wanted was more kids. (condoms made it impossible for me to climax, she refused the pill and IUD until mid last year)
I think if I began very attracted to my W, an accident wouldn't bother me. That is me and it is a hypothetical consideration. I just need something to love her body, or find a way to convince her that loving HER is enough.
When I can't and see her sadness that I don't love her body, I want to cry, too. Tearing up now, I can't help but wish I hadn't married her so I wouldn't have hurt her so much. I was screwing up, so I deserve some of what I got. I never really even thought she liked sex until Retrou, so I my past blames and attacks seem so much more mean now.
But how to solve it?? I'm hoping so much that the doc will have some magic plan. I've thought of the pill to help me 'look' attracted, but will that work or just look like a sham? I've blamed stress for getting soft, but when I say stress she feels hopeless.
But I did commit. I like GL's idea of stopping my thoughts of W being unattractive. I started thinking to myself she is beautiful a month ago, and looking for body parts I do love. I guess I need more work.
Honestly, you do sound kind of mean to your W. It is very cruel to constantly harp on how unattractive your W is to you. I am sorry but it is. It makes you sound like an ass then you say "I am just being honest". Well, I am being honest too. You sound mean and picky and you lust after women other than your W.
If I see this on a message board what do you think your W sees on a day to day basis?
Ah, porn. I do know exactly what the deal was with my hubby but he finds porn "addictive". His words not mine. He told me his views on how women should look got screwed up and unreal.
SO are you to tell me if you or wife was or any spouse for that matter. Horribly disfigured by some freak accident they would have a hard time finding love for their spouse? Finding them in any way attractive?
Love is deeper than the superficial cr@p.
I, honestly, had to step away from this MB for a bit and cry 'cause this topic brings up such bad memories.
Oops, meant to say "Don't know what the deal was..."
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
