so I'm just spinning my wheels here. sposed to start new job in W-town may 1st. moving tomorrow. ending here april 17th. there is a job opportunity in new england doing cardiac surgery that SHE has said she really wants to check out. of course she does not want me to move in with her right now (small house) and I'm set to move into a house near her.
I feel she wants to check out this Mass job just to clear her conscience that she basically ruined my career.
but yesterday she called, texted, emailed, facebooked me... said she was missing me-- and were we still going to mass. and that maybe she wasn't sure she was done with having babies. and we watched lost together over phone.
then today when called about setting up the weekend up there (including staying a couple extra days in cape cod... her idea) we made the res... then she emails me saying "blessing in disguise. the address for the credit card didn't go through. so we can do it this weekend.
her voice this morning couldn't have sounded less thrilled about the trip. why would she want to go on a trip to mass with me, with second honeymoon weekend but yet not want me to move in. makes no sense.
I also do not think I will ever be able to trust her again. I will always have my doubts. We have no relationship. its all platitudes.
do I just bag this trip? she continues to string me along "move here, lets see how the next few months go." "lets wait until we get the tax return back to schedule the trip to mass" (its being paid for by the hospital anyhow)
she holds the cards... she makes the calls... she continues to mess with my mind.
I was detatching yesterday then she calls, emails, texts, facebooks... does all that stuff. what is that all about? it just seems so far gone.
I will always wonder about the relationship with OM--- especially when I get up there.
I have been GALing... walking to gym and shooting hoops-- trivia night, bowling last night
I don't remember her telling you that she was thru with the OM and that she was ready to recommit to the marriage relationship.
I understand that she's sending you all kinds of conflicting messages in your opinion.
Maybe she's conflicted.
I'm not sure your patience is conducive to doing what it takes to DB your marriage. I know you've heard it before, but you are getting FAR more positive vibes from your spouse that most people do on this board. Yet even without getting positive strokes from their absent spouses, many on here find a way to press on and keep that door open a crack.
You seem to vascillate back and forth between feeling like you got screwed over to feeling appreciative that your wife gives you the time of day at all. And the feeling appreciative part only seems to come after a few 2x4's here.
The worry about the OM IS something that you will have to deal with and put to rest at some point. But that point is not now because your wife has not asked to re-start your marriage yet.
Clearly she has reasons, some of them legitimate and some of them selfish on her part, for being hesitant to jump fully back in to your marriage. Until she says "please come home and let's work on this," you really don't have the authority to insist on anything regarding her past or current relationship with any other guys. Right now you are apart. Whether you stay that way or not depends alot on how you choose to react to the current situation.
I'm frustrated with you because I see lots of reasons to be encouraged (while still being cautious at the possibility that she actually is evil and vindictive enough that she could have been playing you all this time), and yet you are regularly DIS couraged.
I gotta say Brad, some are not cut out to handle this marital crisis stuff.
Are you?
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I honsetly think that you are the biggest obstacle to a successful reltationship.
And I believe that you are an awesome guy, just too much "Things revolve around Bradley." And life ain't like that...I mean it can be...but you're going to be a lonely dude.
Quote:
she basically ruined my career.
Do you ever try and put her shoes, maybe wonder if she ever felt like:
Quote:
you basically ruined her life.
Neither is correct.
How many times have you tried to see it from somoene elses point of view?
Bradley, very few times do I say things are black and white...because I am not one of the people involved. I will say that unless she is an evil bitch with a summer home in hell, she isn't fukcing with your head on purpose.
You are just looking to deep. She gets close, you act or do something that affects her and she backs off, and you think she is screwing with you...
You can do this Bradley, but your have to get past yourself first.
Fig, if you post...go easy on him.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
You may be right. I may not be cut out for this. I have given her everything for the last 8 months. Whatever she says... I do. Jump.. how high. call-- I answer. text... I respond. so I'm tired. yes I'm tired.
I'm trying to be patient. and I really, I think, am perhaps doing better than I may project on these boards. but at a certain point one has to wonder if it really is fixable. I mean I do not believe anything she says or does. how is that ever going to change?
I think I'm cut out for the marital crisis stuff-- to a certain point. the taking of the kids (yes jack-- I said yes. but she also said we'd spend weekends together, she'd be back in a year and a bunch of other things that she didn't hold her end of the bargain about), the loss of career on top of all of it-- has been enough to pretty much crush my soul.
I have put on her shoes. I totally understand the sacrifices she made for me-- and what I did not give her in return. Trust me when I tell you that I have seen it from her side.
now, though, her side is less clear. what her motives, intentions, thoughts are. she seems to have no idea what she wants. she has no direction. she says, "I'm nothing". "I don't matter"... all these sorts of things. but yet when it comes to control she's all about control.
but at a certain point she needs to be able to get past that. if she really wants the marriage to work doesn't she have to meet me somewhere halfway-- or a quarter of the way?
and in defense of me-- my life no longer revolves around me. I'm moving in to a house near my wife so I can be near my kids. I support her completely. I'm financially destroyed. I have given up 9 years of training to take a job with less pay and harder work, doing something that I do not necessarily like to do.
I believe I am doing everything to allow her to cake eat. she will get to live where she lives. do what she wants. be with who she wants. have me there so that she can check the box that the boys have their father around.
I vote for you to take the trip. Have an open mind. You will be surprised what time can do for your perspective on things concerning your wife and marriage.
It was good to see Desmond again. And what ever happened to the boy Walt? And where is that damn dog?
I have given her everything for the last 8 months . Whatever she says... I do. Jump.. how high. call-- I answer. text... I respond. so I'm tired. yes I'm tired.
How long did she go along with a version of Bradley that was less than what she thought she was marrying?
How long did she get left-overs instead of your best?
How long was she second, or third, or fourth on your priority list?
How long was she mother AND father?
I don't mean to minimize what you've been dealing with over the last 8 months. We all remember well how difficult it is.
You have however fessed up from the beginning that your wife had reason to be displeased/unsatisfied. You said you DID have things that needed to be made right about how you handled the role of husband and father.
Doesn't justify her having an affair.
But her having an affair doesn't give you a free pass either.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
After the incident, Jack's group time-traveled back to the present. Vincent (along with his owners, Rose and Bernard) has yet to be seen on the Island in 2007. It is unknown whether he time traveled to the present and is elsewhere on the Island, or whether he stayed in 1977.
I guess we don't know where the dog is.
yes. good to see desmond again. but what about penny? weird how desmond was on the plane a little bit too on the season opener huh?
so sad the show is going to end. I wish it could go on forever. best show on tv.
Your marriage and family is really battling with the value you place in being a cardiac surgeon, isn't it?
I guess we all just can't understand because we are not cardiac surgeons...
I think you should pull the plug and cut your losses. This woman is sucking you dry, screwing with your mind, and all the while you have clear cut evidence that right after every nice thing she teases you with, she runs off to boff her boyfriend.
Who wouldn't pull the plug on that?
Psychic abilities must come with that medical degree.
I hope you're catching the sarcasm.
I don't suppose that's helpful though, so let me cease and desist.
Brad, you're going thru a rough time, I get that. Bottom line for me in these dying marriage situations is, how much do you love your wife? How much are you willing to sacrifice if there is even a sliver of a chance at making things right?
And by the way, I call bullshit on "I'll never be able to trust her again." Every one of us on here could say that, and probably did in our first couple days.
If you don't want it, stop jumping through hoops.
On the other hand, if you love your wife, your marriage and your family unit, quit pissing and moaning about how hard it is and suck it up like a man.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Oh boy, Brad. The first thing you have to decide is, what do you want?
I dont mean the marriage. I dont mean the job. I mean, what do you want for you?
Here's the thing about all this. If we are lucky, we learn on this journey. How much we learn depends on us.
There are many important things that you hopefully learn. But to me, the most important one is that no one else can make us happy.
Only we can do that. When you begin to learn that happiness comes from inside, not from a spouse, not from a job, but deep inside, you will be able to figure out the other stuff.
So, forget about the whatifs, because they will kill ya. And try to figure out how to make yourself happy.
I am assuming being near your kids will. I am assuming that in a job market like we are in, you are thankful to have a job in the field of your choice. I am assuming that you are healthy and have enough money to live on.
I'm thinking, anything past that should be icing on the cake.
So, start looking at the icing. What makes you happy? Take one little thing and do more of it. Really get into it.
Then do something else. And soon, you have a full life regardless of what your wife is doing.
Sieze the day, my friend. Be thankful. Let things go. Move forward.
