How do I act?

[Surviving03]

well... I think i got my reassurance today that I need to move on. I felt H was acting funny cause after he came back home, last night he just seemed to constantly be in deep thought... always seemed to have something on the tip of his tongue but couldnt quite say it. I caught him staring at me several times when we were sitting watching TV... and he hugged me several times and it felt like it had some emotion. So i did say to him at one point, H if you have something you would like to say, I hope you can say it before Friday afternoon (which is when I have my appt to discuss the paperwork for me leaving) and he just kinda still seemed to not be ready to say whatever he was thinking. I still stayed neutral and indifferent. Then as I laid in bed last night, i started to second guess myself and my feelings.... went to work today, didnt come home at all for lunch or anything (even after he had called me at work and asked if i was) so I came home, sat next to him on the couch...and probed a little bit more to see if he wanted to say something.... he ended up saying that he still feels that divorce is the best option .. he said he does know he will miss me when I leave, and he is realizing how real this is getting, and he is worried that he will feel differently later... but right now, still thinks its the best choice so he can do the things he thinks he needs to do without regret of never having explored that. I mentioned to him that if he has a shadow of a doubt, it would be worth exploring as I really feel that circumstances and distance will hinder reconcilliation of he does feel different after I leave, and he said well if thats the case it will just be something I have to live with. AGHHH!!

I mean, its true... unless he gets to see what its like to do the things he thinks he needs to do, he wont know if its really what he wants and he might always wonder and then this whole thing could happen later down the road... but I honest to God feel like since we dont have kids, we are both young and our marriage is new... and since we will be so far apart, the motives to get back together after such a trying period, just wont happen... so I kinda would like to explore doubt FIRST.. but I cant control him and I guess I gotta go.... I will be ok... I will eventually move on... but man, do I miss my marriage and my actual H... the man that left for Iraq... not the man that came back, but the man that left for there. I feel so dumb sometimes, like im 25 years old, young, attractive, smart, and im sitting here dicking around with this man who turned into an immature little boy here recently... like what am i doing? just get out of here and go find a different mr right... but then i think, you know when I got married I really did do it for forever and I love him SO much, this wasnt a trial run for me.. I had already made a family with this man, and had a life going and lots of plans and lots of hopes and dreams... I wasnt prepared to give that up... and he was AMAZING before this all happened... amazing! This just sucks... it really really sucks.