Are regrets when you end a separation normal?

[Onthemountaintop]

So the D is off. I can't say I feel a massive relief considering all the things going on. More hope says my brain, haven't solved all the deal-breaker issues crys my heart.

I hope it helps. I've now committed to the 6 months of trying to act married. I 'warned' my W that lingering issues might need her patience & she says she was OK with that.

I couldn't get the motivation to cook a meal, so I tried for a romantic dinner. She felt I was gawking at the waitress when we arrived, so things didn't go great in that regards. She seemed off, and went to the bathroom. She came back and seemed very upset. I asked her what was wrong, and reluctantly she told me. It turned out that she didn't use the can, but rather went to decide if she wanted to leave or not because she felt I was comparing her. I thanked her for telling me. She asked me if I was attracted to her. I said I found her attractive. She thanked me for being honest and told me that she knew I saw her as attractive because something in her heart told her. I reminded her that I am a guy, and guys do that. I added that for the last 4 yrs I haven't been happy, and I've picked up bad habits. I also reminded her that all the employees look attractive - they don't hire the gal with 500 zits to be a waitress at restaurants.

Now, I only looked for maybe a second or two, my eyes did not pop out of my head, I didn't watch her walk around the restaurant, it was really just a casual glance. Before she left, I had pulled my foot out of my shoe and put it next to her leg. I was mostly looking at her and smiling.

How do you combat a quick look? I know my past comments made her feel insecure, but really...it was just a look!

Despite this, I had brought my wedding ring and her engagement watch (she left her ring last summer overseas) and put them on the table and made the committment to try to work for a lifetime, not just six months. She put the ring on me as quick as she could, and then put her watch on herself like a theif in a jewelry store. She was smiling, so I'll try to focus on that. It hurt, though.

The rest of the eve had a couple other rought moments related to the first. I guess we're on day one, so I must not get all stewed on the first second of heat.

[chatterbug]

Stop trying to Act.

Start being what you are. You are married.


How do you combat a look.

You look her in the eyes and you smile.

As you fully know it is just a deflection of the problem

You wife wants to be desired.

So you desire her. And if you desire her. There is no other woman in that room.

Just you and her.

Ever romanced her ?


If not. Have you ever wanted to romance a woman?

Write down what you would like to do to romance a woman.

Then act it out.

For romance takes planning and effort. Romance then builds. For it needs to be fed with passion , effort , and love.



As for your evening. A success no less. Build off it. Learn what works and what does not. Learn what you like and what your wife likes.

For there is no greater pleasure in the laugh of a woman who knows she is desired and thought of with passion. You will see the smile in her eyes.

Start learning this stuff OTM.

And keep with chores around the house. All of this adds up to a new and better marriage with the woman you love.

[Onthemountaintop]

Thanks CB. I thought I was trying to romance her, but that problem happened withing 5 minutes of our arrival. Considering that she has always refused babysitting and we never dated before we got married, this was my first time to try to be romantic in 10 yrs.

Last night, we had yet another blowout on this rocky road about the exact same issue. I had tried to ask forgiveness for being a guy, for being me, for having got into habits that got me into the predicament. I watched some TV while hugging her, tried to make some casual conversation. I had noticed a caller ID from a place she applied to work and I brought her the phone and tried to excite her about the OK opportunity. I got a map for the interviewing location, too. Yet, when bedtime approached, she mentioned an appt I have and somehow or another I made a bad joke and she was convinced that I saw her as ugly again.

She slept downstairs, probably quite poorly tossing and turning despite her interview being today.

I took the gamble and got the D out of the way. I tried, rather tepidly perhaps, to romance her. I agreed to the 6 months despite her and my reservations on the prayer and hopes that we could be happy.

And I couldn't even get past one day.

Damn.

[june72]

OTMT,
Awesome that you removed the D. Great, wonderful.

Here is the thing though- you really screwed up. You are in a situation were for years you have let your wife know that you find her unattractive. SO what do you do- look at a waitress. Let me tell you something. ON a scale of 0-100. It's about a 90 (for bad) in my book.

I do understand that guys eyes like to wander. But try to understand- it's like a million daggers in a woman's soul. The glance for us is an instant comparison. It hurts so very bad. Why do men not get that- if you know how much it hurt then you simply would never do it. End of story.


And then to go on and state that the waitress was attractive. Wrong move! In this instance you make up a lie- I thought I saw something weird on her shirt or something. You have hurt her feelings way too much!

Uggg, the shoe is so on the other foot here b/c while at first my hubby found me drop dead gorgeous. As soon as ten pounds came on- forget it. He was unhappy with my appearance. Me, being stupid- I should have left since we were dating. Too late now with marraige and kids.


Let me explain how much that hurts a woman. A woman wants to be the only person a guy cares about. She wants to always be pretty in your eyes. It is one of the most important things or a relationship, just like sex is huge for a guy. Being desired and wanted is HUGE for a woman.


You know what- if suddenly some guy came up to her and stated- "Wow, I find you really pretty". Her mind would immediately be filled with the "what if" thought of moving on to that guy instead. I am telling you honestly, honestly that is the way it would be.


It is a HUGE love buster.

Hey, what is this joke that you said that hurt her feelings- was it really bad? Is there a reason you are not sharing it with us?

[june72]

I am going to be honest with you. I have ballooned in weight- 20 lbs when my thyroid stopped working and another 25 piled on this year quickly after my hubby serperated from me (that with working part time from home and an extreme sleep deprivation with a constantly sick kid). Honestly I have no good excuse. I am working with a goal of a 50 pound weight loss. 6 pounds down so far.

My hubby for years was disgusted with me for the extra 25 lbs. Absolutely repulsed by it. Couldn't stand it. Hurtful comments, mean looks of disgust. You know where it got him? With that and other issues- a woman who wanted to leave him.


Don't you get it? Why would a person WANT to be with someone that finds them repulsive? Why? Would you?

And here is the kicker. after all these years. You feel hopeless b/c you know that no matter what- you could slip again in looks and your getting older anyhow and you now have stretch marks from having kids. You know you will never be good enough in a way. Am I making sense.


So, like you, my hubby is trying to make amends. It's a very tough spot. How do you repair years worth of damage? How? You have to work your butt off- that is how. You have to pay compliments every single day. You have to do things that would make her feel special in her eyes. Every single time you see her naked you have to say something positive, IDK, like-"wow, look at that" (with a smile), etc.


Let me explain something to you. You may find a lot of blame in her for the demise of the marriage. But do you get how much you F'ed up? Do really understand the gravity of it?(Ok, this may be me sliding into talking to my hubby here... not sure if I am prejudged)


Anyhow, I can tell you that my hubby is now bending over backwards to try and show that he does find me desirable. I see huge efforts on his part. You my friend have to do the same.


I mean I know deep down that- my looks are not what he would like. But I think he is getting that having me is the package deal. All or nothing- take the good with the bad. Yes, I am making more effort to do my hair and makeup and finding more attractive clothes and eating healthier etc. But I am not going to ever be the gorgeous gal I once was.

Am I getting the message across? No, oh poor me, no, why is she not filling my needs better. You have man up and make her feel attractive. Do lots of work towards it. IF you do that she will take more interest in her appearance and work on that too.


It's a tough spot I know that men really want their women to look awesome always. Women find that hard to achieve. It's like you are never good enough. Honestly it's cr@p like that that makes me want to write off all men.

OK, honestly, I am getting triggers about my marital discord. I better zip my lips.


Anyhow, all the best. Keep moving forward. It's not the destination at the end but the walk itself that matters. Do not left fears and doubts trip you up on your journey.

[june72]

Honest to goodness, it is all just perspective. I mean after my first son, my hubby found me unattractive and our next door neighbor thought I was amazingly beautiful. I mean he couldn't stop looking at me and not in a slimy way. I mean like the man wanted to marry me. One I got all dolled up for something (can't remember what) - put contacts in, hair done up, lots of makeup. He happened to be outside and literally, truly, this man's jaw dropped. He was stunned and just stated "wow" b/c he was speechless.
Meanwhile, 2 minutes earlier my hubby had asked if I had anything better to wear (meaning my clothing wasn't looking good enough). My hubby was not all at impresses with how I looked, rather I was no longer good enough.


SO do not think for one instant that while you see her in a negative light that another man would not. Do you get that?

[Onthemountaintop]

And then to go on and state that the waitress was attractive. Wrong move! In this instance you make up a lie- I thought I saw something weird on her shirt or something. You have hurt her feelings way too much!

Tried that - I said I was looking at how she did her hair. This was true, but only partially...and then I told her that her hair would look awesome that way.

But if I count real seconds...I'm thinking 2-4 sec? I get that it was a dagger, but how can I get her to forgive, when she trusts her intuition more - and that told her that I was madly attracted and comparing, not just a look?

Me, being stupid- I should have left since we were dating. Too late now with marraige and kids.

Not judgementally, but do you mean this? My W keeps saying that if I'm I don't have eyes only for her, she wants out. She really isn't all that attractive, but I try very hard to make her feel she is since we started trying to reconcile in the last few weeks. Using the excuse of having 5 years of heavy fighting, I remind her (honestly) that it is hard to be attracted to someone after feeling attacked or hurt. I know I will be able to be attracted to her emotionally, perhaps deeper than I am now, which is getting pretty deep already. Physically, she isn't ugly to me, or beautiful. There are parts of her body I love and I've told her of, and others that are much less attractive. If you knew your H loved you alone, wanted sex with you alone, and while more attracted to some body types, still was satisfied with you as you are, isn't that enough? Do I have to D her because I can't make my body lust?

Too many movies maybe, but I thought desired was a compound emotion, not just lusting.

You know what- if suddenly some guy came up to her and stated- "Wow, I find you really pretty". Her mind would immediately be filled with the "what if" thought of moving on to that guy instead. I am telling you honestly, honestly that is the way it would be.

I get that - and I'm OK with it, too, because isn't that the way humans are? It is our love of God that should remind us of the boundaries of a M. I've always thought the refusal to act on that impulse is what proves one's love. Again, maybe too many movies, but I really do believe that.

Hey, what is this joke that you said that hurt her feelings- was it really bad? Is there a reason you are not sharing it with us?

OK...confession time.

God forgive me, I know it to be sinful and harmful to the people making it, but I have developed a "partial" porn addiction that started when I was 12 (no joke, 12). Over the years, my faith has brought me away for 6 months, but being nearly sexless for 4 years made it worse. I don't pay for it, and always feel a great deal of post-guilt, but I have begun the first steps towards getting pro help. Remember, please don't judge me. I do that enough. I've never had sex with anyone else. It was "just" the visuals.

So I've tried letting her know:
- I'm in a culture that is OK with occasional use (depending on the couple), but I know it should be never used
- There is a religious belief of ours that if a sin is between you and God, it can be forgiven through true and full repentence, even if the sin is repeated. This means honestly trying to stop. The fear of the repercussions of that admission to someone who dresses modestly seemed too high for me. Being near D and having found love for her, I felt I needed to get this out. Turns out, she knew from our 1st year, and didn't want to rock the boat. Instead, she punished me without me knowing why. Obviously, I can't be angry with her for not confonting me & secretly punishing me when my problem was much less frequent. I was in sin, she was just confused about how to solve the prob.
- I decided that instead of D when our sex life sucked from her physical issues, pregnancies, etc (most of our 11yrs) that I resigned myself to supplementing rather than leave her over one part of a good marriage being insignificant
- I let her know that my attraction issues may partly stem from this. In fact, my lack of attraction almost let me back to porn when I had reduced it to 1/6months. That's a secret I'll never be planning to share! Despite porn using plasticized and brushed up models, I don't only see size D as attractive. I'm not going to go through all the things that I don't find attractive in her, but if I was asked when I was 12 before I started my addiction if I found her attractive, I am sure I would've said 'not very much'.
- Despite the porn in secret, I've always tried ot be open on things that do attract me with her clothes and stuff, but she just didn't care until I told her. Now, I feel punished by my revelation. Now, if I see anyone else, she feels worse. I don't get it...she knew all along while I thought she didn't. She lived with that awful feeling. Now that I admitted it and accepted getting pro help, she expects miracles right away.
- I told her that when I couldn't get really attracted to her when we first got married and I had my first sex experiences with her, I even wondered if I was gay! I remember times looking at women in porn to check that I wasn't~~

I know she's hurt. Those sexual admissions were the hardest one I had to ever say. But I did it for one reason - to make sure I had no barriers between us and so that she could help me stop...so I could love her & her body more.

BTW - except for her, our divorce mediator who last week set us up with the doc to help, I've told no one (until now!)

Ya, I screwed up. I'd argue that my body going sexual at 11, porn beginning at 12, I had a real devil living with me.

But what can I do now? I'm getting help, I've always felt guilty, I've always asked God for forgiveness, I've asked her for forgiveness which she verbally gave, but...it was only a glance!

I know the answers to some of these questions, I guess I needed to get this off my (hairless - ouch!) chest before meeting the sex doc.

Oh, and the joke...she said she wanted with me to my appointment so the doc could help my W solve my attraction probs. She had mentioned last week getting breast work cause her pregnancies made her pretty flat (kind of the opposite of what often happens) and she wants to feel good for herself. If you're wondering, I had honestly told her it was up to her and that I didn't think she needed to.

So I said, "what's she going to do, blow your boobs up with air and make you taller?" Now, I was laughing, and it was midnight, and it was a bad, bad joke. Esp under the circumstances. I apologized deeply and made sure to say it was just a joke to say that the problems are about me and what I had done by screwing around with porn - she doesn't need to change a thing. Doesn't matter, I guess. She probably needs time to get past my comment.

Call me an a** or whatever, but one thing comes to mind. Our divorce mediator said that when you always remember that the other cares about you and wants what is best for their spouse, anything can be forgiven. I have always put her needs and wants in priority. One of my main goals to reconcile that we had talked about this week is having her involved more in my life by deciding with me, instead of me having to be the patriarch (which I hate). So ... now I'm rambling.

[gucci loafer]

I have always put her needs and wants in priority.

I don't buy that nonsense for a second...

It seems to me that the only thing you do is put your needs and wants first.

You honestly need to quit making excuses and LEARN and study how to make a woman FEEL like a woman. I would be ashamed if I told my wife the things you have told your wife and I wouldn't blame my wife for feeling the same way your wife does....

[Onthemountaintop]

It seems to me that the only thing you do is put your needs and wants first.

I don't blame her for her feelings. I just don't know what to do about her reactions to them.

BTW - I said I put them in priority, not necessarily first, but if not, I really do consider them greatly. Prioritorizing doesn't mean I don't screw up or that I'm not screwed up.

[CityGirl]

There is not a post that goes by where you don't emphasize how unattractive your W is to you. Perhaps you have convinced yourself of that.

It is terribly rude when your W knows you are not attracted to her to even comment that a waitress has a hairstyle that would look good on your W. The jokes you make to your W are also rude and hurtful.

You keep saying you know you should not do these things but you keep doing them. Perhaps you need to ask yourself why.