I posted this on a different thread, but I was wondering if anyone here has any thoughts...
OK...confession time.
God forgive me, I know it to be sinful and harmful to the people making it, but I have developed a "partial" porn addiction that started when I was 12 (no joke, 12). Over the years, my faith has brought me away for 6 months, but being nearly sexless for 4 years made it worse. I don't pay for it, and always feel a great deal of post-guilt, but I have begun the first steps towards getting pro help. Remember, please don't judge me. I do that enough. I've never had sex with anyone else. It was "just" the visuals.
So I've tried letting her know: - I'm in a culture that is OK with occasional use (depending on the couple), but I know it should be never used - There is a religious belief of ours that if a sin is between you and God, it can be forgiven through true and full repentence, even if the sin is repeated. This means honestly trying to stop. The fear of the repercussions of that admission to someone who dresses modestly seemed too high for me. Being near D and having found love for her, I felt I needed to get this out. Turns out, she knew from our 1st year, and didn't want to rock the boat. Instead, she punished me without me knowing why. Obviously, I can't be angry with her for not confonting me & secretly punishing me when my problem was much less frequent. I was in sin, she was just confused about how to solve the prob. - I decided that instead of D when our sex life sucked from her physical issues, pregnancies, etc (most of our 11yrs) that I resigned myself to supplementing rather than leave her over one part of a good marriage being insignificant - I let her know that my attraction issues may partly stem from this. In fact, my lack of attraction almost let me back to porn when I had reduced it to 1/6months. That's a secret I'll never be planning to share! Despite porn using plasticized and brushed up models, I don't only see size D as attractive. I'm not going to go through all the things that I don't find attractive in her, but if I was asked when I was 12 before I started my addiction if I found her attractive, I am sure I would've said 'not very much'. - Despite the porn in secret, I've always tried ot be open on things that do attract me with her clothes and stuff, but she just didn't care until I told her. Now, I feel punished by my revelation. Now, if I see anyone else, she feels worse. I don't get it...she knew all along while I thought she didn't. She lived with that awful feeling. Now that I admitted it and accepted getting pro help, she expects miracles right away. - I told her that when I couldn't get really attracted to her when we first got married and I had my first sex experiences with her, I even wondered if I was gay! I remember times looking at women in porn to check that I wasn't~~
I know she's hurt. Those sexual admissions were the hardest one I had to ever say. But I did it for one reason - to make sure I had no barriers between us and so that she could help me stop...so I could love her & her body more.
BTW - except for her, our divorce mediator who last week set us up with the doc to help, I've told no one (until now!)
Ya, I screwed up. I'd argue that my body going sexual at 11, porn beginning at 12, I had a real devil living with me.
But what can I do now? I'm getting help, I've always felt guilty, I've always asked God for forgiveness, I've asked her for forgiveness which she verbally gave, but...it was only a glance!
I know the answers to some of these questions, I guess I needed to get this off my (hairless - ouch!) chest before meeting the sex doc.
