And then to go on and state that the waitress was attractive. Wrong move! In this instance you make up a lie- I thought I saw something weird on her shirt or something. You have hurt her feelings way too much!
Tried that - I said I was looking at how she did her hair. This was true, but only partially...and then I told her that her hair would look awesome that way.
But if I count real seconds...I'm thinking 2-4 sec? I get that it was a dagger, but how can I get her to forgive, when she trusts her intuition more - and that told her that I was madly attracted and comparing, not just a look?
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Me, being stupid- I should have left since we were dating. Too late now with marraige and kids.
Not judgementally, but do you mean this? My W keeps saying that if I'm I don't have eyes only for her, she wants out. She really isn't all that attractive, but I try very hard to make her feel she is since we started trying to reconcile in the last few weeks. Using the excuse of having 5 years of heavy fighting, I remind her (honestly) that it is hard to be attracted to someone after feeling attacked or hurt. I know I will be able to be attracted to her emotionally, perhaps deeper than I am now, which is getting pretty deep already. Physically, she isn't ugly to me, or beautiful. There are parts of her body I love and I've told her of, and others that are much less attractive. If you knew your H loved you alone, wanted sex with you alone, and while more attracted to some body types, still was satisfied with you as you are, isn't that enough? Do I have to D her because I can't make my body lust?
Too many movies maybe, but I thought desired was a compound emotion, not just lusting.
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You know what- if suddenly some guy came up to her and stated- "Wow, I find you really pretty". Her mind would immediately be filled with the "what if" thought of moving on to that guy instead. I am telling you honestly, honestly that is the way it would be.
I get that - and I'm OK with it, too, because isn't that the way humans are? It is our love of God that should remind us of the boundaries of a M. I've always thought the refusal to act on that impulse is what proves one's love. Again, maybe too many movies, but I really do believe that.
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Hey, what is this joke that you said that hurt her feelings- was it really bad? Is there a reason you are not sharing it with us?
OK...confession time.
God forgive me, I know it to be sinful and harmful to the people making it, but I have developed a "partial" porn addiction that started when I was 12 (no joke, 12). Over the years, my faith has brought me away for 6 months, but being nearly sexless for 4 years made it worse. I don't pay for it, and always feel a great deal of post-guilt, but I have begun the first steps towards getting pro help. Remember, please don't judge me. I do that enough. I've never had sex with anyone else. It was "just" the visuals.
So I've tried letting her know: - I'm in a culture that is OK with occasional use (depending on the couple), but I know it should be never used - There is a religious belief of ours that if a sin is between you and God, it can be forgiven through true and full repentence, even if the sin is repeated. This means honestly trying to stop. The fear of the repercussions of that admission to someone who dresses modestly seemed too high for me. Being near D and having found love for her, I felt I needed to get this out. Turns out, she knew from our 1st year, and didn't want to rock the boat. Instead, she punished me without me knowing why. Obviously, I can't be angry with her for not confonting me & secretly punishing me when my problem was much less frequent. I was in sin, she was just confused about how to solve the prob. - I decided that instead of D when our sex life sucked from her physical issues, pregnancies, etc (most of our 11yrs) that I resigned myself to supplementing rather than leave her over one part of a good marriage being insignificant - I let her know that my attraction issues may partly stem from this. In fact, my lack of attraction almost let me back to porn when I had reduced it to 1/6months. That's a secret I'll never be planning to share! Despite porn using plasticized and brushed up models, I don't only see size D as attractive. I'm not going to go through all the things that I don't find attractive in her, but if I was asked when I was 12 before I started my addiction if I found her attractive, I am sure I would've said 'not very much'. - Despite the porn in secret, I've always tried ot be open on things that do attract me with her clothes and stuff, but she just didn't care until I told her. Now, I feel punished by my revelation. Now, if I see anyone else, she feels worse. I don't get it...she knew all along while I thought she didn't. She lived with that awful feeling. Now that I admitted it and accepted getting pro help, she expects miracles right away. - I told her that when I couldn't get really attracted to her when we first got married and I had my first sex experiences with her, I even wondered if I was gay! I remember times looking at women in porn to check that I wasn't~~
I know she's hurt. Those sexual admissions were the hardest one I had to ever say. But I did it for one reason - to make sure I had no barriers between us and so that she could help me stop...so I could love her & her body more.
BTW - except for her, our divorce mediator who last week set us up with the doc to help, I've told no one (until now!)
Ya, I screwed up. I'd argue that my body going sexual at 11, porn beginning at 12, I had a real devil living with me.
But what can I do now? I'm getting help, I've always felt guilty, I've always asked God for forgiveness, I've asked her for forgiveness which she verbally gave, but...it was only a glance!
I know the answers to some of these questions, I guess I needed to get this off my (hairless - ouch!) chest before meeting the sex doc.
Oh, and the joke...she said she wanted with me to my appointment so the doc could help my W solve my attraction probs. She had mentioned last week getting breast work cause her pregnancies made her pretty flat (kind of the opposite of what often happens) and she wants to feel good for herself. If you're wondering, I had honestly told her it was up to her and that I didn't think she needed to.
So I said, "what's she going to do, blow your boobs up with air and make you taller?" Now, I was laughing, and it was midnight, and it was a bad, bad joke. Esp under the circumstances. I apologized deeply and made sure to say it was just a joke to say that the problems are about me and what I had done by screwing around with porn - she doesn't need to change a thing. Doesn't matter, I guess. She probably needs time to get past my comment.
Call me an a** or whatever, but one thing comes to mind. Our divorce mediator said that when you always remember that the other cares about you and wants what is best for their spouse, anything can be forgiven. I have always put her needs and wants in priority. One of my main goals to reconcile that we had talked about this week is having her involved more in my life by deciding with me, instead of me having to be the patriarch (which I hate). So ... now I'm rambling.
