Planning on attending Retrouvaille mid April. I am concerned about how much is discussed during that weekend on infidelty. My husband was unfaithful and has agreed to attend the weekend but, I am afraid if too much about infidelity is addressed, it will kill any hope of recovery. He claims he cannot forgive himself for what he did (even though I have forgiven him) and feels we should get divorced. I do not want that.
You will not disclose anything about your situation to anyone.
Let him know that he will hear of stories from presenters, not participants, of people that went through the same kind of stuff. At the very least, it will help him acknoweldge that the responsibility can remain for what he did, while forgiveness for himself grows.
Well...things have changed. Husband came over tonight and though he still is planning on doing Retrouvaille, he says his heart is not into coming back to the marriage. He says too much damage has been done (on both sides) over the years and maybe we were not meant to get married in the first place 19 years ago. He is "comfortible" living alone.
What am I supposed to do now? I agreed to leave him alone until Retrouville on the 16th but, am I hoping for a miracle here that probably won't come from Retrouvaille? I want so bad to have the chance to try this marriage again.
If there's an affair, that problem will be in the way (read TBL's posts above), but it can be dealt with.
If it is a lack of love, well I never loved my wife, but I do now.
If it is an attraction, communication, or other skill or style issue, you can work on those before Retrou on your own.
Have you read "His Needs, Her Needs" or "Improve your marriage without talking about it"? Both would help you better meet his (and your) emotional needs.
Blunt advice- Remember, he isn't getting sex from you, and that is one powerful EN. If you are willing to do it with him during the weekend, the opportunity is there at night. If he's used to using his own methods, that is one less reason to come back.
Have you spent a lot of time figuring out what things made you (and as a result him) upset during your marriage?
No need to talk about this stuff with him now. He says he will go to Retrouvaille. So, just go. Listen to what they say. Follow the directions. You have plenty of time to make up your minds after Retrouvaille.
Grubere, it sounds like my sitch exactly. I see it was buried a while back and I guess no one was around to give me an answer.
H is in an A, deep in, refuses to break it off. I've exposed it, to him, family, friends and OWH. He just told me yesterday that he won't be going on the 16th, but up until yesterday he was saying he would go. Just to "make me happy" I guess. It was my birthday present that he said yes.
I'm thinking of saying to him that even if he doesn't want to stay married to me, at least it will help us get back our friendship. What does everyone think about that?
I'm desperate now. I have put too much hope into this, I really want/need him to go.
You should tell him that if you go you will learn to communicate in a more effective manner.
That can only help, whether you stay together or not, and should help reduce legal fees if you decide to split as it should prevent things getting acrimonious.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I'm thinking of saying to him that even if he doesn't want to stay married to me, at least it will help us get back our friendship.
The focus isn't on friendships, but it will help you forgive him and the two of you move on together.
My W was talking about backing out on the week of the event, but she did go. Try not to get too anxious. He is expected to cut off the affair, but let him know that no one will know his story, and no one will ask him to prove/confirm that he isn't in an affair.
How about reminding him it is only one weekend as a minimum, and it will help him know he tried something this week.
It is unfortunate that exposing the affair did not end it. And, of course, he wants to punish you now. There have been examples on this website of spouses who went to Retrouvaille against their will and spent the entire time making a mockery of the process. This is very painful for the spouse who takes the program seriously, and they did not have good results.
If he will not go, I would recommend holding off on it for now. Retrouvaille is offered 4 times a year in most places. I'm sure if you ask them to hold the deposit and allow you to go at a later date, there shouldn't be a problem.
Saffie is correct that the Retrouvaille work, which is about communication, not reconciliation would still be helpful to you. You can approach it from that angle. There are many who say that Retrouvaille will not work if the spouse is still in the affair. I can only tell you that I have given up trying to predict who will have a good result and who won't. I have been surprised in both directions before. There are miracles, and quite a lot of them occur at Retrouvaille. But there are not enough of them to go around.
Well...more to the story. I figured out that he took "her" on a weekend away last month to someplace he told me he could never take anyone else to since it was "our" place. I am so angry right now that I don't want to do Retrouvaille next week. I was the one holding out hope all along and now I feel devestated and have lost the wind in my sails.
I feel like if I go, my attitude toward him now will be cold and he will pick up on it right away. I know Retrouvaille is about forgiveness but, how much more am I expected to take here? I have forgiven him for even being with her but now this overnight away just feels like it has done me in. The hurt is unbearable. Should I cancel Retrouvaille next weekend or still go?
