I am a bit premature in posting however my selfish tendencies are showing through in starting my story and subsequent commit to move forward.
We have been married 16 years and together 20. We have lived through loss of 2 children and a miraculous birth and development of a 3rd. My wife has always worked having had two stints as a SAHM in 2000-03 and 2009-2010. I have been the provider in most all cases having both a good paying full time job and a side business that took off in the past 16 months.
Through the years, she has always been the one to give into my stunts or emotional tantrums - as if every time she has to be the rock while I got my way....
* Phone Sex in 93 - don't worry honey, I love you. * My way of the highway in 97 - 3 mos seperation did us good. * I want a divorce in 2001 because things weren't going my way * Excessive masturbation to internet porn beginning in 1997 - no honey, it won't hurt our intimacy. * Never respecting intimacy or quality time regardless of her pleas - always saying, "I am much to busy with work to provide for the family". * Always prioritizing work and self over family spending all waking moments in front of the computer waiting for the next sale to come rolling in.
The bomb was dropped in late January this year - I was crushed having thought my role as a provider was at least the safety valve in our relationship - sure, our R was weak but our family unit was strong and we were developing and doing quite a bit as a family.
But the R between W and I sucked - it was a utility where she cooked the food and cleaned the house while I made the $$.
Once the bomb was dropped - "I have started an online relationship with a friend from 20 years ago and I want to have sex with him", she acknolwledged that she was wrong and committed her desire to work through the R with no distractions.
I, however, could not let it go - my soulmate wants to have sex with someone else and effectively cheat on me!! Like many others, I rode the emotional wave during the entire month of February essentially becoming more unattractive every day.
How could you do this? Was it really that bad? What do you mean you are not in love with me? I won't live with a cheater!
By March 1, we had sepearated bank accounts, were living in sepearate bedrooms and effectively raising a child as two individuals. I had already told her I wanted her out and she was well on the way of justifing her actions by sending me Yahoo articles which shows "yes, people do grow in other directions and fall out of love" and "divorce isn't all that bad". She had begun the blitz of "our son will handle divorce better than you did when you were a child - don't worry".
By mid-March, we had stopped wearing our rings and were trying to live cordially, however, her true personality would only come out if she were talking to someone else or working on something that did not involve me.
Wife has told all people who ask - "no there is nothing to be concerned about. He and I are just friends with minimal contact with each other. That minimal contact included emails that really showed me how deep the emotional affair had gone - it was so over the top as to her emotional needs and intimacy being met that it was almost comical that it was being done via email.
My wife is on her vacation this weekend where she flew out to meet OM. She has been honest with me since day 1 and has established the position of, "I have this", meaning, it is not going to become a problem once we commit to try working our the marriage.
Its been a long 60 days - and it only gets tougher from here...
Experts in the newcomers section have lambasted me for taking the submissive husband approach - allowing her to do this is akin to having an open relationship or a cuckold relationship.
The fact is, we lived a very tight life where I have been working out of my home for 12 years. In the past 3-5 years, we barely went a day breaking roles or tending to each others wants and needs. Even when we took a cruise last October and recommitted the importance of each other in our lives, I came back and fell right into the same pressure packed role of providing for my family - as if my intimacy commitment were hollow from the start.
The relationship truly became stagnant and then turned toxic once the online affair was introduced.
We both agree that we have never worked simultanously on our relationship where we were both the priority in each others life. She did it for the longest time but stopped after she felt like she was the only one manning the switch.
She told me then - I need a break and some time to find out what I want, what I need, the person I want to become, etc. She pointed to my emotional needs and control in our relationship and told me I needed to change a lot before she could open up to me again.
Since February 1, I have been able to take deep inventory of myself and implement change in my hygiene and health management, I have begun exercising and spending time outdoors, I have managed my priorities much better making sure to give the family and work the time they both need. Further, I have been introspective enough to begin focusing on coping with my emotions and the stress in my life - essentially subduing it rather than wearing it on my sleeve.
My wife has recognized these changes and has commented many times that "if only I knew it was this easy to get you to change". It actually pains her to see me changing as she has told me the wall is so thick right now that she is unable to be receptive to my change.
The issue is, obviously, she wanted me to change because I wanted her - not because I was threatened. The changes, although welcomed, will take longer for my wife to believe they are occuring naturally as a result. That's OK, however, I have time as I do want to spend the rest of my life with her and realize that I need to become attractive again in her eyes so that she might be able to feel the same way.
Ok, so back to my sitch - she has committed to coming home on 3/29 to try to work on making our marriage work. She said we will take things slowly - day by day. She will be able to sever the affair and move forward with a commitment to trying. If we CAN make each other happy, then, together, we will save our marriage.
I promise not to post excessively in this forum as I did in Newcomers for this is a journey and not a let's get an update to what I need to be doing.
From reading other posts in this forum, I recognize I need to do the following right of the gates:
1) Focus on her needs while establishing enforcable boundaries concerning the A 3) Patience and Understanding 4) Don't sweat the small stuff 5) Don't talk about the R.
I realize that she is going to come home lust-buzzed and will need time to decompress from physically receiving all of the things she has "missed" in her life. I will be emphatic that communication stop but will realize that mistakes happen provided they are not "continuations" we will be fine.
In return, I will continue to focus on becoming more attractive to my mate, my son, and other inter-personal relationships I have with friends and work. I can honestly say that I didn't like the person who I had become so I am more than happy in following through on change.
She is willing to go to the MC - we have been once when the bomb was dropped and it did nothing more than establish 1) We don't want a divorce and 2) We are two people to do as we please and if one doesn't want to work on the R, they are not obligated at that time to work on the R.
I will setup another MC appt in 2 weeks or so.
We have 1 week of decompression followed by a fa,ily week on the road driving from FL -> DC -> NY -> RI for the week during our son's spring break.
For those of you interested in a long read of "what not to do", I invite you to read my old Newcomer threads.
Having read a number of the piecing sitch's, I can tell you, it's nothing new and hope to make this more productive than the previous.
Not to be a wet blanket here or anything, but your wife is off admittedly having sex this weekend with another man, WITH YOUR KNOWLEDGE, and without you lifting a finger to stop it. Why is it you believe your marriage is in the "Piecing" stage?
I think you'd be better served over in the Infidelity forum, actually, but whatever is going on in your marriage right now, it's not "piecing."
Premature doesn't begin to describe this Mike, and I think deep down that you know this.
My only hope is that no other newcomers view this thread (and it's companion in Newcomers) and somehow come to believe that consenting to a spouse's desire to travel across country to have sexual relations with an old friend is a reasonble approach to solving their marriage problems.
Perhaps your story will surprise us. Maybe your situation is that one in a million where agreed upon infidelity is actually the key to rebuilding a marriage. You will pardon us I hope if we don't place much money on that however.
Your best approach right now would be to pack the remainder of your wife's belongings and have them waiting by the door. Change the locks on the house and when she arrives home, open the door only long enough to allow her to gather her things.
Don't trivialize your mistake here by in anyway suggesting that this is for your son. You made this decision because it was the one that did NOT require you to stand up to your wife and what she was proposing to do.
I don't wish misfortunane on you Mike. I have experienced divorce and betrayal - I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm sorry that you allowed your contribution to the marital mess make you think that the answer was for your wife to join you by making serious mistakes of her own.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Premature doesn't begin to describe this Mike, and I think deep down that you know this.
My only hope is that no other newcomers view this thread (and it's companion in Newcomers) and somehow come to believe that consenting to a spouse's desire to travel across country to have sexual relations with an old friend is a reasonble approach to solving their marriage problems.
Perhaps your story will surprise us. Maybe your situation is that one in a million where agreed upon infidelity is actually the key to rebuilding a marriage. You will pardon us I hope if we don't place much money on that however.
Your best approach right now would be to pack the remainder of your wife's belongings and have them waiting by the door. Change the locks on the house and when she arrives home, open the door only long enough to allow her to gather her things.
Don't trivialize your mistake here by in anyway suggesting that this is for your son. You made this decision because it was the one that did NOT require you to stand up to your wife and what she was proposing to do.
I don't wish misfortunane on you Mike. I have experienced divorce and betrayal - I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm sorry that you allowed your contribution to the marital mess make you think that the answer was for your wife to join you by making serious mistakes of her own.
Blessings,
Bill
You said it far better than I had the patience or ability to, Bill. Spot-on.
You guys were right - she came back today and said she would be lieing if she told me she wanted to work on our relationship.
It was wierd though as she told me it's not the affair but the idea that menapause had brought some changes to her life so she felt it was time to change everything.
I read in "Hold On To Your Nuts" that a Man keeps his family together at all cost.
It was wierd though as she told me it's not the affair but the idea that menapause had brought some changes to her life so she felt it was time to change everything.
If she's smitten with her cross-country bed buddy, she could well act first, try for a temporary custody order on your son, and move the both of them way out there.
And if you don't call bs on her menopause comment, shame on you.
You've allowed your guilt for the things YOU did wrong to screw up your head and make you think that whatever your wife wants, she should get. Now hopefully you see how very wrong that is.
I'm serious Mike, if you want to protect yourself from a woman who is high on her new endorphin rush, you better start moving yourself off of top dead center. Tell her it's time for her to leave. But first I'd consult with your lawyer and find out how to protect yourself.
Sorry we were right.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
