When you confront your spouse for cheating, it is a negotiation, and consequences are your currency. Your spouse needs to know the PRICE he is giong to have to pay to keep the affair going.
The confrontation is where you prsent him with "the bill" for continued promiscuity. The bill itemizes the consequences he brings on himself should he choose to continue.
AND, you present him the more desirable alternative
End the affair, and I tear up this invoice right now... its an easy choice if you play it well
How about this one? I'm thinking I should do this tonight, but then I lose the element of surprise if I can't get a hold of OWH.
"I have decided that this isn't working for me. I will not live in an open marriage, and have you lie to me about it. I know all about your infidelity (changed from you and OW), and it's incredibly disrespectful. (added->) You are hurting me, the children and your family. I value myself and our family too much to keep doing this. I want to give this M my all and see if we can revive it, and that's impossible with a third party involved. I would like you to choose to end this affair and give our M the chance it deserves. I would like us both to be able to hold our heads high and say we were honest and did things the right way, regardless of what the outcome turns out to be."
If there's an opportunity for discussion after, I'd like to add "You said last night you were scared. Well, I'm scared too. I'm scared you will not give this a chance and throw away years of love and passion because we both hurt each other. I'm scared you won't let yourself forgive me and accept my forgiveness so we can move on and build a new marriage out of the ashes of the old one."
I have stated before that I don't believe OW's M is probably platonic and so I would start with exposing to her H.
After what happened last night though, I would let OW know that your H was intimate with you, because I am betting he has told OW he no longer has sex with you......and he just did have- maybe only because the alcohol made him weak about things - but whatever the reason - he still did, (and it will have served as a good reminder too him). I bet OW will see red and put pressure on your H. It will also have her mind swirling when her own H then starts to talk to her.
If you emailed your H about how much you enjoyed being held and being intimate last night would he respond? If he would, whether it be good or bad, as long as he doesn't deny it, then that is written proof you can put in front of OW in case she doesn't believe you. Just a thought.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
What happens in fiction is well scripted to make sure it looks like it is plausible and will work, in these kind if sitch's. Real life is not always so neat.
I saw it happen on the screen and I knew for a FACT I wouldn't want that to happen to me.
And later on that night I realized that OIN and the OMW in the affair he's dealing with did this to OM. It has more or less been tried and tested here on this forum and it did work well. OMW went berzerk on OIN's wife and it DID scare her off and get her to think a bit about what she was doing... and it completely flattened OM since he worked in the same place.
Originally Posted By: saffie
Personally I think by confronting OW completely in the way you suggested Allen, would actually make passenger look needy and on the hop. It was just a bit too OTT - like the old saying about 'protesting too much'.
I don't think so, but offering an idea that can be moulded to suit the user is fine... My objective is to offer ideas that can be refined rather than leaving a poster with a blank page with nothing to work with at all.
Originally Posted By: saffie
I don't believe that OW's M is probably only platonic, and personally that is where I would start my attack from.
Unfortunatley this is often harder to come by... cell phone records and emails will often reveal contact info for OP, but not often their spouse. But yes if it can be acquired I definitely reccomend taking the fight to thier doorstep.
No, H just came up for break and he said he was really bothered by what happened last night. He thought I initiated it, and I told him no, I did not, he started it. I told him how he was kissing me and that he started crying and saying "I'm just so afraid of losing you." He didn't believe me. Says he doesn't believe it or remember it. He feels "awful" that it happened. Whatever goes on now, it's starting to make him question himself and that's good. I said he called me baby and my name and that he said he was afraid of losing me, and I said he has some deep feelings that his wall is not letting in and he said "I know how I feel." Of course he knows how he feels, but it's WHY he feels that way, it's the brain chemicals doing it to him.
How about this one? I'm thinking I should do this tonight, but then I lose the element of surprise if I can't get a hold of OWH.
"I have decided that this isn't working for me. I will not live in an open marriage, and have you lie to me about it. I know all about your infidelity (changed from you and OW), and it's incredibly disrespectful. (added->) You are hurting me, the children and your family. I value myself and our family too much to keep doing this. I want to give this M my all and see if we can revive it, and that's impossible with a third party involved. I would like you to choose to end this affair and give our M the chance it deserves. I would like us both to be able to hold our heads high and say we were honest and did things the right way, regardless of what the outcome turns out to be."
You want to deliver this message to him right after you've had sex with him? I'm confused.
What do you mean what happened? He got drunk, almost told his kids he was leaving me, he's already exposed it to everyone else, then we ML and now he's upset about it thinking that I brought it on and may or may not believe the truth that he started it.
I thought something new happened just now, the way you phrased that.
I'm sorry to say, but sometimes men just want sex, and I've seen too many times on here where the woman reads WAAAAYYYYY more into it than that, which (along with the obvious STDs concerns) is one of the main reasons I'm against ML while DBing, esp. where infidelity is involved.
I think your planned speech is perfect, don't get me wrong. I just think you weakened your hand considerably by having sex with him right before the confrontation.
What is it we say around here? "Believe none of what they say, and only half of what they do?" Your words SAY one thing to him, but your ACTIONS say otherwise.
I have stated before that I don't believe OW's M is probably platonic and so I would start with exposing to her H.
After what happened last night though, I would let OW know that your H was intimate with you, because I am betting he has told OW he no longer has sex with you......and he just did have- maybe only because the alcohol made him weak about things - but whatever the reason - he still did, (and it will have served as a good reminder too him). I bet OW will see red and put pressure on your H. It will also have her mind swirling when her own H then starts to talk to her.
Just circled back and saw this. This is GREAT ADVICE, Pass -- the part I bolded is VERY much "affair SCRIPT" in many, many situations, and I don't doubt it for a minute!
