Question

[awest1217]

Well...today is the one year anniversary of H first leaving. I have been reflecting for a couple of weeks about what has changed in the last year because when it comes to H, he is still exactly where he was a year ago (even back at his parents, but really with OW). Everything with him is the same, but although I can't yet decide if this major change that happened a year ago is really for the best or not there are many things that I have come away with and am proud of, and kind of sad I didn't notice before...

1. I have grown tremendously in my faith in God. The fact that I have been able to live in my house and pay the bills, but still not really skimp on anything is all God because I don't have any other way of explaining how I did that and saved. It is all God and I have learned to rely on Him.

2. I have gained my self-worth, self-esteem back. For years, dealing with EA's and now this one which I believe is a PA, but H won't ever confirm, it has destroyed by self-esteem. Each time I would always wonder what is wrong with me. H would always say it is his fault, but then point out how I am not helping him or didn't listen or was too controlling. Ultimately always putting everything on me. He would belittle me in front of my friends and subtly (although I don't think he did it on purpose), emotionally abuse me. I have come from a family history of spousal abuse. My dad who died was physically and sexually abusive to my mom, which at the age of 5 I started to break up. My step-dad is emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. I swore I wouldn't ever be in that situation and through counselling I have found that I was right in where I didn't want to be. Through counselling, prayer, and being on here, I have gained my self-worth back.

3. I have learned to be more patient, be a better listener, and stop controlling everything. Those who have followed everything know that I have had a tramatic life so I have always wanted to control things since I have become an adult. I have learned not to do that because all that I can control is me. I have finally let H go completely. I have stopped snooping completely. That is huge because since the first EA, I have always once in a while checked in on him because he is a liar, and I would always find a new or reaccurring EA. He would deny it. I would say I found XY or Z, and then he would fess up to parts and leave others out and I would keep him because he said he would stop and the cycle would continue. I now don't do any snooping or checking. I am not even friends with H on FB because that way I can't check his page at all.

4. I have learned I can do this on my own. H has not been around for a year. He only sees S once a week if that. Right now he hasn't seen S since two fridays ago and hasn't asked to see him. I do need some financial help, but I can do this on my own. I can take care of my S on my own and raise him to be a good boy. He is already being very polite and a gentleman (opening doors, saying I am beautiful, etc). He is a really good kid who has bad days like anyone, but he is good and it is because of me. I have raised him. The house looks better than it ever has. That is because of me. I do the yard work and manicure the lawn. I landscaped and cleaned. I fixed the bathtub spout. I can do it.

There is more, but those are the most important. I have gained new friends and reconnected with old ones. I am happier. I am more fulfilled.

Most importantly I have gained my self-respect back. That is probably the most important thing to me because with that back everything else falls into place. I can't believe I let H suck out my vibrancy and life, but now I have gained it back. Is my M saved? Not at all, actually now I am the one pushing D, but I have to let H go and do what he wants. He is not going to change until he wants to so I can't control that. I can only control me and I am not going to allow him to continue to feed off of my energy or tear me down. I am worth more than that.

This is what I have learned in the past year and I want to thank all those who since I started this in September have helped me along the way.