Into my arms... #70

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Maria,
So are you two are still together? So at least he called and also (rather sweetly I thought) spoke to your BFF several times to get some outside help/perspective! He doesnt know what to do does he? I guess you think it is simple.. he should talk to you. But for him, that is a fearful and shameful thing to do.

So even in what you say is my loved up, committed new R, here is what happened this week...

That issue of the photos came up - BF was repacking photos into a new box, so I asked him was he intending to keep them? He was suprised, he didnt realise they were in amongst the other pictures, but no, he would rather throw them away. I got them out..I said I wanted us to look at them, to talk about them, the look on his face, the way he was holding her, before he binned them... he was shocked.

He stood up away from me, v defensive body language, he even got angry. He said, why, for what purpose? I said because they were here all year and it would be healing for me to be able to look at them with you and ask questions, to exorcise them and then I dont need to think about it/ask questions again.

He got very upset and refused, he said - what about me? What about what I want?? I dont want to look at them. I said that was ok then, but I was curious, why was he reacting so badly?? He said..

because it makes me feel foolish and bad, because I feel ashamed. I feel an idiot for what I did and awful for how much I hurt you, I dont want to be reminded of that and in fact, I never want to look at pictures like that again or go over the details, I'd rather just forget all about it, because for me its past, gone.

I said I understood, but explained why it had been important to go over details (we didnt though) to mend the gap in our R.. he then bought up my EA from 6 years ago!! I didnt react and let it go. I understood it was his way of explaining how HE felt, in a similiar situation and how he handled it then.

Which is what I see your H was doing when he mentioned NY.

Its all about how you choose to react? You could have reacted differently to his reaction, if you see what I mean. There are your feelings/reactions/needs and then there are your H's reactions/needs/feelings.. you said he was being selfish for not handling it how you need, or telling you what you need to know. But going over the details just makes him feel bad and fearful of your anger and your reactions, and of hurting you further, which he doesnt want to do. He doesnt want to "pour salt in your wounds". And for himself, he doesnt want to feel guilty and ashamed anymore. Men hate to be shamed right. DBing 101.

Hugs and happy Easter sunbeam, I hope you get to go away as a family together xxx