My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[4luv]

Nicole...

PLEASE READ THE THREAD TITLED "The Ghandi Approach" in the infidelity forum. I think it will give you an idea and help you formulate a plan on what to do next in regards to DB. Sorry to hi-jack your thread but I just see you making some mistakes that I was guilty of making before I moved out of my marital home. I was not able to detach while under the same roof and the disrespect of an EA was not something I could stomach any longer :-/

anyway, you don't want to ask your husband questions about why this or why that...those questions are PRESSURE and pressure is NOT what you want to give to your husband. LET THE OW PRESSURE HIM...MEN in your husband's state of mind don't do well with pressure...

there is more in the infidelity forum...READ THERE NOW WHILE GOING DIM (don't initiate contact, don't answer all his calls or texts, be vague but NOT cold, etc.) ON YOUR HUSBAND.

[4luv]

The below is the last post from the "Ghandi Approach" thread in infidelity. Not sure if you have read robx's posts but its basically a "drop the rope" kind of mindset to get you WS to second guess. You take yourself out of the equation and PUSH them towards the OW...this took me a LONG time to come to this "mindset" and "attitude" but it REALLY changed my stitch and my overall wellbeing.

Just read about 2 out of every 3 of Robx's posts -- they all advocate the same (I think, brilliant) thing! Rarely do people listen, either; he's like John the Baptist out there, eating locusts and honey and hoping someone will just FOLLOW this stuff.

Here, for your convenience, from my "Puppy Archives": (adapt as you see fit)

RobX’s approach:



Sit her down and have a discussion with her.
No need to be mad, angry, a$$hole, prick on anything,
keep it calm, light but straight forward, direct to the point, etc. Don't make it last more than a few minutes.

You tell her trust is based on actions that are consistent.

You don't trust her because she hasn't been consistent.

You don't trust her because she's been lying to you, in fact you tell her that is what you trust her to continue doing, because she has been lying to your consistently - that's what you can trust.

For you to be able to trust her, she has to build trust.
Sure you can trust her blindly and have faith and all that good stuff but honestly how well has that worked up to this point?

Don't ask for for full disclosure.

Do the opposite.

Tell her this:

"... I don't want your cell phone records, I don't want to look at your cell phone text msg's and call history, I don't want your email or fb password, I don't want your voicemail pw. If I have to monitor you 24/7 to force you to be consistent, that won't work for me because that's not what I want or need.

I wanted you to be trustworthy but I don't need you to be anything, truth be told, I'll be just fine without you, I see that now.

From now on I'm moving in this direction, if you want to come along, go ahead, I won't control you and tell you that can or can't come but I can't wait for you anymore and you already know that if you're with the OM, you aren't with me, I'm not settling for anything less than that.

If you really want to be with the OM, I really can't say or do anything to stop that and you should be with him if you're willing to lie so much to me, if you can't be true to me that means he's more important to you than I am and you know what... I'm ok with that because I'm more important to me and that's all that matters - I see that now.

If you wanted to be with me, you knew that you had alot of trust to rebuild and that's only through consistent action and I'm through with pressuring you to be my wife, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and that's pretty much what it looks like to me so let's stop playing games: you go and be with the OM, I'm ok with that, in fact I'm better than OK, I'm awesome because I'm finally being honest with myself about all of this and that includes being honest about who you are and where you are right now. I know what I'm worth and I've been settling for less for too long.

I can't wait for you anymore, I've spent enough time waiting for you to do the right thing and I know that doesn't work because I would probably have to wait forever and still not get what I wanted. So you can do what you want, be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy and I'm going to start wanting something better for me."


No being mean, spiteful, vindictive, you let her go.
No more discussions, arguments, no more talks about lies, no more sneaking around behind your back, she can do what she wants but you are letting her go to do what she wants to do but at the same time, you are now allowing yourself to be free of this crappy limbo place you've been living in for so long.

Bro, if she wants to be with you, she'll be with you, no amount of a$$ kissing, sneaking, snooping, being mean, angry, standing tall, etc. is going to change that.

You be the best gosh darn example of a MAN for you and for you only. If she wants this great MAN that you are in her life, she'll pursue you and do what it takes to be a part of that.

You need to respect yourself first, that's the first step and letting go of your wife her untrustworthy ways to establish that your self-respect, dignity and integrity are the most important things in your life is what you NEED and WANT to do. You know what you're worth, go out and get what you're worth and let go of the things that are worthy of you - starting feeling your personal value, know it, resonate with it, live it. You are worth better than what she is giving you right now, if you don't set that boundary, you'll allow her to do this to you forever and who could respect that?

Otherwise continue playing this game and you'll be playing this chase & pursue game, pushing & pulling for the rest of your life.

Time to get off the merry go round, this ride isn't that fun anymore.

[awest1217]

Nicole what I just read above is absolutely correct. If you want you can read my post today on my thread, but the key is that you have to let him go and just live your life. EA's, which I have dealt with the whole R with my H (dating, engagement, and through marriage). It eats at your self-worth and it boarders on being abusive because although they say they think you are great the WAS will say little things to blame you for the M problems.

The advice above stinks and like luv said it is hard to do, but it is important and completely correct. Your H may then come back to you because he sees when he is really with OW that she is horrible, but he may also just leave and never come back. Either way what is important is that you have gained back you and that is most important.

Luv-thanks for reposting this here because I have been on that road for a while and felt I was "wrong" for doing it, but now I feel a little better having some support.

[nicole8]

I am not sure what to do. The "ghandi" thing does sound interesting. I just don't know what the h would do. He is so on the fence about everything in his life right now and I do think he really is going through a depression/mlc of some sort. He even said something yesterday that maybe he was going to go through the rest of his life depressed..,,but it isn't fair to me to be with someone who is misserable. Again he thinks there is nothing wrong with me snd he isnt being fair to me. Damn right he isn't being fair to me. He is over at the all inclusive resort on vacation (his moms house) carrying on another life with the ow while his wife Is living in realty 5miles away at our house.....Grrrrr!

I wrote a letter last night basically telling my husband that I am fine if he doesn't choose to be with me and that only he can make himself happy, not me, family, job, new relationship only himself. There was more but I am not sure I should give it to him. My db coach has said I should fear in him by going dark a few days at a time.....

[rr22]

You could start by going dark like DB coach said. Then if you want to clarify it's partially because of OW or "living your own life and moving on" later next month you can.

[gucci loafer]

Bro, if she wants to be with you, she'll be with you, no amount of a$$ kissing, sneaking, snooping, being mean, angry, standing tall, etc. is going to change that.

I have found that to be TRUE..

When a woman has liked me in the right way, she made it EASY for me. They want you to know they like you. I found this to be the best lesson in women I ever received.


When they like you they let you know it. When they don't there is only one thing that you can do.. Let her go. That works the best to get them to reconsider. Once you learn that lesson you will NEVER go back to chasing and pursuing a woman who doesn't give back.

[4luv]

gucci,

would you say the same is true for men also?

Nicole,

the very IMPORTANT part of the ghandi approach is that IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR HUSBAND DOES. This approach is mostly for YOU. Yes your husband may get curious and start wondering about you and pursuing you but the goal is to take your focus off your husband and put it on YOU!!

[awest1217]

I am completely with luv! You need to stop worrying so much about what H is thinking or what H is doing. You need to focus on you.

[nicole8]

I do need to stop worrying about the h so much and what he is doing. I agree 110%. I have got to let go and let what is going to happen, just happen. I can't change his mind or make him get help for his depression. This is just so darn frustrating. If he wants to be miserable and not get help that will have to be fine with me.

[Surviving03]

Nicole... I know just where you are at, my H is (or was? not clear if its over) in an EA as well, and I got to a point where after being so sick and sad and worried and desperate to save us, I started to feel like I am SICK of being disrespected, what set it off was I discovered he was calling OW while I was gone to work and I thought that he had stopped contacting her until we had a better idea of what was going to happen with us... and something just switched in my brain and I kicked him out of the house (only last a few nights, but still) and for the first time since the beginning of my sitch, I felt some control and some power and it felt GOOD to realize that I had enough of his disrespect and I realized that I AM better than this behavior and the way I am being treated. I did back pedal a little bit since and get a little emotional and feel a little desperate, but I snap out of it and it feels GOOD... yes, this whole thing still sucks... but it is becoming more and more clear that if I do not back off and let H run this course all by his big boy self, there is NO chance of our M ever staying together... I love the ghandi thing, its so true. Just reflect on what has transpired in your sitch and ask yourself, Dont I deserve more RESPECT than this?? Just as only your H can make himself happy...only you can make yourself happy, we OBVIOUSLY cant rely on our H right now to do that for us... so we gotta do it ourselves... focus on the parts of your life that are not in turmoil and be happy in those things... go dim or totally dark, whichever works for you and find YOU again, not you as his wife but you as just YOU... its not easy, but its a conscious choice to shift your frame of mind and it really does wonders