Pass, I think you are putting WAY TOO MUCH emphasis on Retro right now.
Your H has some serious problems... Retro is NOT the place to deal with alcoholism or infidelity...
He needs to be sat down with his family around him and he needs to be told to make a committment to stop the cheating and stop the drinking OR he will be CUT OUT of EVERYONE's lives. Retro is NOT giong to do that for you... It's not designed to.
Do you HAVE a family therapist that you see regularly? This sort of work really should be handled by a professional family therapist, not be Retro.
Pass, I think you are putting WAY TOO MUCH emphasis on Retro right now.
Your H has some serious problems... Retro is NOT the place to deal with alcoholism or infidelity...
He needs to be sat down with his family around him and he needs to be told to make a committment to stop the cheating and stop the drinking OR he will be CUT OUT of EVERYONE's lives. Retro is NOT giong to do that for you... It's not designed to.
Do you HAVE a family therapist that you see regularly? This sort of work really should be handled by a professional family therapist, not be Retro.
I wouldn't call him an alcoholic. I wonder if there's such a thing as a situational alcoholic? He's only been drinking heavily since the A started, and if past performance is any indicator, he'll stop when it stops.
He'd never see a therapist, and I'm in no position in his mind to force the issue. I get what you're saying and I agree totally, but right now, I'm his therapist.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING INCLUDES SEX TALK, FOR THOSE OF YOU SHRINKING VIOLETS. I know it's a roller coaster and I'm not putting a ton of emphasis on this just yet. He's just gotten up to go to the bathroom and I'm just on here to say - ummm, woohoo? Or WTH? I just don't know.
Around 11:30, I woke slightly to find he was next to me again, and so I took a chance and touched him. He pushed a bit closer so I initiated ML. Not only did he go for it, he totally was into it. He kept calling me baby and I wondered for a few moments if he knew who I was or was confused - having been drinking and awoken in the middle of the night. He was so passionate and kissed me... and when we were done, he cried and said "I'm so scared, I'm just so scared." I said there was nothing to be afraid of, we'd get through this together and he held me very tightly. Now, 4.5 hours later, he's been holding me all night, and I mean really holding me. Tight, next to me, holding my hand.
I know, I know, he could go to work and email OW and be gone again... I know. BTDT. But this is a huge breakthrough. After the last A, he said that ML was instrumental in keeping us together, making us feel connected. It sounds cold, but I made sure to hold him long after the O to make sure all that oxytocin and vasopressin was released and used in my favor. And after this first hurdle, I feel he may begin to let down some walls.
H is way too emotional and sensitive to just allow ML without following up with allowing it again, and also breaking through and maybe allowing other touching, like hand holding, etc.
Watch the movie first.. I TOOK that from the FILM lol
What happens in fiction is well scripted to make sure it looks like it is plausible and will work, in these kind if sitch's. Real life is not always so neat.
Personally I think by confronting OW completely in the way you suggested Allen, would actually make passenger look needy and on the hop. It was just a bit too OTT - like the old saying about 'protesting too much'.
I don't believe that OW's M is probably only platonic, and personally that is where I would start my attack from.
I totally agree though that somehow OW needs to be gotten on 'the hop'. I also think it is getting to the point where passenger has left exposure too long as her H is now doing it for her - sounds like he is on his way out the door. She needs to act quickly. Retro is too far away, IMO.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Alcohol lowers a person's inhibitions. In your H's case, he's been consciously avoiding you, shunning your touch, etc. But the alcohol allowed him to not remember that he's supposed to be ignoring you.
I'm sorry that it seemed so positive. He shouldn't have done that. Confront him as soon as possible for your sake and your self respect. He can't be using you when it's convenient for him.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yes, Saffie, totally agree on that. Can't you hear the desperation in my voice? LOL - that's why I'm so worked up about this. I do need to fix this ASAP. I guess now is a great time to do it as he's going to be confused and thrown off his game by what happened last night. He's not going to know why he did that or how it happened, and second guessing himself, so now's a great time.
Oh, I know all of that, Mr Bond. But, whether he uses me or not, the chemicals are still there and I was using those, in a way. Again, don't want to sound cold, but last time they worked in my favor, and this time I was doing the same. And the crying was a big breakthrough because now I can ask him what he's so scared of.
As I said, he went back to being cold. Maybe not cold, but when he got back from the bathroom, he turned his back to me and kept sighing. I asked if he wanted to talk and he said "probably not the best time to talk." He's confused and totally thrown off of his game. I expect a huge down today on the roller coaster. He did still allow his back to touch me, so not totally back to being distant, but not holding me either. Hoping this doesn't push him faster but rather puts a doubt in his mind. H is very emotional right now and is a romantic, so the fact that it happened at all, alcohol-induced or not, is going to throw a wrench into his neat little world of I'm out and she's in.
I don't know if I could take twice as hard as he has been. It's been pretty awful. I read my old threads to see if it seemed the same as back then. I was pretty positive back then. I guess I didn't let my pain come through as much... it may be me rewriting history but this time just feels different. More serious, like he thinks there's no way out of it.
You're older and he's older. Both of you learned something different the first time it happened and because you never fully dealt with the problem there was never a real resolution to it.
That's why it seems different now.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
