Last week I got 14 text messages from H, all that I ignored because I was 1)NC, and 2) they didn't really have anything to do with the kids or ask a question.
4 more text messages today, thinks like "good morning" to "why don't you say good morning to me" to "fine, be like that".
What do I do? It's not about reconciliation. It's not about parenting. It's not an apology. It's not about our marriage. It's not about working towards moving home.
But I feel rude not replying, and I don't see how it could become about any of the above if I don't reply.
But I also think he's doing this to get a text to show his L that we are "attempting reconciliation" so he can move the separation date to his favor!!!
And I'm really not up for another ride on the emotional/MLCer roller coaster.
He could TELEPHONE me or go out with me to talk about these things, but no, it's just TEXT MESSAGE - a means of recording a message.
But I really don't want to be D, and if I never speak to him then that's exactly what I will be!!!
I hate this!
Maybe I should just text back that if he wants to talk we can chat tonight (his night with the kids) or he can CALL me.
Though I have to talk to him about the kids tonight, which is sort of more important, because I think the stress of the separation and everything else is starting to wear on the teenager and he's starting to act out and needs co-parenting rules.
Hi SC-who knows what he is thinking! You can always just text back that you have been busy. If he wants to talk about something important, he will find a way to get a hold of you! I, too felt like I had to answer every call and be here when H came to get kids but it didn't do any good for me! Hopefully you get some other input but I'd stay dark!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
But I really don't want to be D, and if I never speak to him then that's exactly what I will be!!!
I do NOT agree. Stay dark. Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
NC is a form of communication. He can hear what you are saying. He may not like it but he "hears it". If he really wants to send you a message you will know by his actions not his words!
You are fine on your present course. You are not rude, you are just protecting yourself.
SecondChance, Forgive me, but I had to chuckle over the messages you've been receiving. He sounds like he's checking your temperature/gauge on whether you are angry at him or not. I can honestly say this, they can't stand for us not to react to them. They can't stand it when we are silent. He's just trying to engage you and suck you in again.
I would wait a bit longer before responding and then say "Happy Easter". The less you say to him, the more he's going to text, call and bug you. It's the nature of the best. He's pursuing you! The game is on! Whether or not you play, that is up to you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H wants to reconcile. Give our marriage one last try. Says there's never been anyone else for him but me. Says "WE" are special. But if I don't want to, OK, he will move on.
What do I do?????
Upside of reconciling - if it works my family is back together, kids have their father around all the time, we go on planning the future we were sort of working on before. Nice picture.
Downside of reconciling - piecing does not look like any fun, or very easy. Even when both partners appear 150% committed to it, (is he? am I?). There is no "one" PA to just get over, though it's likely he went outside the marriage ... the issues/relationship rift or maybe even his personality (or mine) are unclear. If it doesn't work, I will be an emotional wreck AGAIN, kids will have to readjust AGAIN, and I will have to start all over again in 6, 12, or 24 months or so (whenever). Major loss of relationship trust. If we go back to arguing and not being happy then it will not set a good role model for the kids, especially teenager who only has few years left at home.
Why does he want to reconcile - optimistic version - he loves me and doesn't want to live without me. (And I do love him and I do think he's special - to me).
Why does he want to reconcile - pessimistic version - he will have to pay alot of support for many years, but if he can stall for 1 year he will probably cut support owing in half to two-thirds, making it easier to move on to a new life in a short while. He already spent most of the savings we had, so he'd be appartment bound for a long time. He misses seeing the kids all the time. Hanging out in an appartment without an OW is just not that much fun. He misses having control over the family finances and decisions and people. He "shot himself in the foot" and is trying to get a better deal.
Weird things he said - it's still very much my fault what happened, if our marriage doesn't work out after the reconciliation attempt then he's planning on moving to France (from North America) in 2 years time!!!! (FRANCE??? where did that come from?). Will just see his kids once a year for a month in the summer in France. He has no intention of doing the normal D and seeing me every few days to trade off the kids, not interested in being "that" man. I must decide very soon whether to start "dating" him, preferably by Monday!! No clear plan on how he will live in this city with us, just says don't worry he can work it out when the time comes.
Not sure about this France stuff. Is it the first you've ever heard of it? Does it fit his personality or does it seem like sudden craziness this France thing?
I would factor that in. If he is foggy in some way, I'd be more scared.
I guess the bottom line he's saying is... should we try one more time, or should he sign the papers and go do something else with his life. My choice (assuming he's out of the fog, or it's all not a ploy).
