What a tough place to be, but you've managed to look at things today without losing sense of you.
I can't imagine how hard things are, but I know that you are strong enough to take the roughest wave dealt to you so far~
Ideas: - Tell him that you have too much hope to sign it. You'll sign it under the condition he agrees to either Retrouvialle (just one weekend, you don't have to do the post sessions) or MC
- Sign it. Move on. Accept in your heart that you will likely see him or hear from him and he'll be a friend. Know that a D will mean more hard days, but they will pass.
- Don't worry about what he might do if you do. Consider it breifly, but he's no longer just separated and in love. He's separated and loves you but isn't committed to your M.
- IF you take the route of not giving up yet, then keep your behaviours positive. Maybe re-read DB to remind you that anything is possible, even at this stage, if YOU want it.
- Pray. Remember God gives you tests, but it is up to you to pass them, and retake the test as many times as needed. There is no full failure in these tests. Divorce is a thing sometimes needed. Forgive you, too. I'm worried in the place you're at you might be thinking "if I had". There's an Islamic phrase that says "if I had" opens the door to the devil.
- Just because he believes it doesn't mean he'll always believe it. Ask him why he wants a separation agreement if your state doesn't need one for a divorce. Is he asking for a year to move as a single person and improve himself or is he asking for closure while a D isn't possible. He might not know the answer to this question, but I think it is worth asking.
- Showing you love him isn't signing papers. I know that there's the phrase, "if you love it, let it go". That means to me don't be possessive. It doesn't mean give up.
- Give up if you want or need to. It is a failure, but you didn't cause it - a M is a two way street full of potholes and in your case, a partial "pothead"! If you really don't want to do this anymore, you do have a choice.
- Don't rush. Take as long as you need. This is your M and the man that you love. He is hurt. You are hurt.
I wanted to add one last thing. I told you how I thought he needed your support and to know that you don't see him as a failure. It sounded like you did that. If he's depressed or, like me sometimes, overwhelmed by responsibilities, even he might not see what he really needs but be looking for that fast route out. Giving it to him is a choice you have.
It is your choice.
Try to look outside and enjoy the beauty of the worst weather. The biggest clouds can destroy, but they also bring new hopes and life to things that had died.
you shared some great ideas, thank you as always for your thoughts.
i won't rush to sign anything or have a lawyer look at the agreement...i'm so confused right now i hardly know which way is up.
i don't think telling him i'll sign on the condition that he do a retro weekend or try MC will work. he knows i'm willing to try MC and he is just not there anymore. if he came to MC with me only because it's the only way i'd sign, i know his heart wouldn't be in it and that would get us nowhere, fast.
i did say to him that he's feeling these things RIGHT NOW and he may feel differently down the road. the agreement says "both parties have no expectation of reconciliation" but my H did say, if we did decide to reconcile, we'd have to file another document with the separation agreement. it didn't give me much hope, but i guess at least he said that much.
i don't want to give up but i also dont' want to struggle so desperately against something that is outside of my control. if this is what he wants, whether or not he'll always want it, it's what he wants and i can't change that. fighting against it or resisting it isn't going to change his mind. in fact, it will probably do the opposite.
in order to file "uncontested" in my state, we must have submitted a signed separation agreement that states that we've already agreed on the division of any property, finances, etc. so essentially, we DO need one for the type of divorce we would file for.
i did assure my H last night that i do not see him as a failure and that i would never think badly of him. maybe one day i will look back and thank him for sending me down an unexpected path in my life that leads to greater happiness than i thought possible. maybe one day we will have a stronger M because of all of this. maybe one day he will send me photos of his first son. i do not know where this road will take me. sometimes i want to curse the road and blame it for my unhappiness and suffering, but i know it's not the road's fault. it's just so much easier to blame what is right in front of you, what you can immediately point to and say, i'm hurt because of YOU. but that's not the way i want to live.
i'm assuming we'll be NC for a while. his sister had to make a few minor adjustments to the agreement before i have a L look over it, and he owes me tax money. my 30th birthday is next friday. it's very easy for me to sit here, like a victim, feeling sorry for myself. but that's not who i want to be. i can and i will celebrate without him, but i know i will be heavy hearted.
i feel like i can no longer reach out to my H and tell him i'm thinking about him, tell him i miss him, tell him i hope he's ok. what if i never see him again? i can't be friends with him. i can be friendly to him...but i can't see him in my life as a friend. i want him to be happy and successfull, with or without me, but i don't know if i could stand to see it if it ends up being without me.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
Came across your thread...my heart breaks for you.
Hang in there....one day at a time. ((((hugs)))
gg
M55 H55 my D31 H D30 1st met her when she was 25 M 22yrs...2nd for me, 1st for H OW 2005 mother of H daughter, came back to introduce D 1bomb 6/05 2bomb 7/08 3bomb 2/10 moved up north
when my H left last night, he had a few minor changes he needed to ask his sister to make to the separation agreement. he was a wreck when he left here last night and she is away visiting family right now, so i assumed it would at least be after the weekend when he got it back to me.
he emailed me the changed agreement tonight with a note saying he'd stayed home from work today and he hoped i was holding up ok.
it took a LOT of willpower not to email him back a very snarky and angry reply. it took him less than 24 hours to turn the updated agreement around and he HOPES I'M HOLDING UP OK??!?!?!
i haven't cried that hard in a LONG time. it got to a point where little kids get...that sort of sobbing inhale/exhale where you think there is no way they can possibly be getting enough air and they just scream and scream.
i feel like i did the day he left. the day he moved out. it still hurts exactly the same, only now it hurts worse.
i had so much hope. and it just keeps fading and fading...
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
also, i haven't responded to his email about the separation agreement. i don't know how to. i don't want to sign it. i did some research today and my understanding is that filing uncontested means that both parties willingly and voluntarily entered into the separation...but that's not true. my H moved out. i never wanted him to move. i don't want to turn this into anything nasty, but i also don't want to sign anything that says, yes, i voluntarily agree to end my marriage.
i would really appreciate any thoughts on how to handle a response. obviously i will say something like, i will have a lawyer look over it and will get back to you if i have any questions. but there's no timeline on signing something like this, right?
god give me the serenity...
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
tta- Tomorrow is a new day..you feel differently each day..don't lose all hope.
Quote:
i feel like i can no longer reach out to my H and tell him i'm thinking about him, tell him i miss him, tell him i hope he's ok. what if i never see him again?
Stop doing this immediately. If this is what you have been doing..complete 180..and as quickly as possible. Don't do the same thing that hasn't been working. It is hard as hell to do...don't say any of these things again!!! ..and as difficult as it is- don't let him see you in this sad state. Cry when you are alone or with a friend..or come on here and vent..but don't let him see your tears. I feel your pain. Stay strong. Continue making some changes in your life for you..the sun always comes out again...although not always easy to believe when you are in the midst of a storm cloud. You will get through this...either as better person for yourself..or a better person prepared to piece back your M. Don't let this be a complete set back for you. Hugs.
Would you want to reply, "I would be doing better if you were willing to give us another opportunity. I'll go through the agreement, but I do wish to reconcile, so I am not sure if I can sign this when I think we could be happy together forever"
i don't know what to reply. i want my dad to look over the agreement and this weekend is easter and next week he's out of town and next friday is my birthday. maybe i'll just briefly respond and say i'll have my father and a lawyer look over it and get back to him later. i think i have a tendency to go on and on and try to talk my feelings out with every email, so a 180 for me would be to keep it short and stictly business.
i ended up in a pile on my closet floor this morning, sobbing. my body feels like it's on auto pilot. it's going on with my life, but i'm not really all there...
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
But you are, TTA, YOU are all there. With or without him, it is you that you live with each and every day.
How much of your feelings are failure, and how much are your desire for him? While hope really must always be remembered - if he is depressed or on med side effects, or just finds his love stronger than his fears, he may one day come running back to see your work in action.
Is it possible to be mixing up those feelings and thinking your sadness is only missing him?
